Hey! Are you Joking? - Funny Jokes

Women and Home Depot

2012-01-30T21:39:00.000+08:00

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missingHe asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Army Jokes: Singapore Dessert Soldier

2012-01-20T04:45:00.000+08:00

Two Singaporean soldiers are talking.Tan: “Pass the tiramisu.”Lim: “Cannot-la.”Tan: “Why not?”Lim: “Against army regulations to help another soldier to dessert.”

The Truth is 'Out There'

2012-01-15T20:00:00.000+08:00

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p.ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f..k knows what!

A Trilogy of Funny Commercials that never made TV

2012-01-10T04:09:00.000+08:00

Three (3) funny commercials you will probably never see on TV - Tidy up with Ikea

Comments:

poor kid ..im w8ing for the video where he finds out what he was holding when he was little

amraKAMC 3 hours ago

...

MrThomasCWest 1 day ago

The shoe-lace one is the best but that one with the kid is a bit disturbing :-|

yokhana 1 day ago

Theses are awesome commercials

PiefaceclownPrdctns 1 day ago

Christ, Ikea must be the sole reason everyone thinks Swedes are pervs :/

einarssone 2 days ago

mtta1979 you must have never seen a couch, because if you did you would know they have these things called crevices all over them where things like forks like to hide and receipts and socks and tons of crap. So your statement is well...generally retarted. Very funny commercials ;)

dustinx45 4 days ago

In the first commercial were the fork goes in the womans back but if you noticed the couch was completly clean nothing was on it not even the fork so just watching that commercial didn't make any sence at all *FAIL*

mtta1979 5 days ago

240p.. We meet again

LawlietJP 5 days ago

looks like the first couple skipped spooning and went straight to forking.

TheMostEpicNameEver 6 days ago 11

I find the last middle one hilarious simply for the fact that she's now on Parenthood.

RCycleRider4Eva 1 week ago

too funny! love it!

jezdamayel 1 week ago

Too bad the vibrator commercial DID reach Dutch television. Because we're cool like that :P

VertigoZero555 1 week ago

@VertigoZero555 we had the last one in england too :p

BrightonPablo 1 week ago

The last one" Behold The 10cm toy bullet!"

Physicspilot 1 week ago 5

Ikea or I kill ya.

250videos 1 week ago 4

The 1st commercial brings a new definition to "do it yourself".

cheesecak152 1 week ago

Just proves what gods ikea are

infinityeelTV 2 weeks ago

Dildo! Lmao

Bigbone92a 2 weeks ago

Where were these aired. Not here in US, we're too conservative for good fun

OuiBlank 3 weeks ago

jajjajaja limpia tu cuarto

CristhianEscurra 3 weeks ago

Haha love the last one xd

TheHallowiebenik 3 weeks ago

Lol hilarious! XD

peaceperson21 3 weeks ago

Haha I love the dildo one LOL :D

11goff 3 weeks ago

1:20 is some funny shit lol

XXkupkakeXXxx 3 weeks ago

they need to put this stuff on tv lol.i would rather watch commercials then these actual commercials that made it on tv xD funny stuff

davidchernikov 3 weeks ago

@CEthomas11 it was a vibrator

laxinFL0R1DA 4 weeks ago

what os that thing the kid was holding?

CEthomas11 4 weeks ago

Hahaha love the last one the kid is so cute

SWAGKINGSson 1 month ago

Lmfao the dildo is funny

moeali777 1 month ago

lol at the kid playing with the dildo

BreadForButter 1 month ago

wow ikea is nasty hahaha

51dumbdumb 1 month ago

This has been flagged as spam show

xChrizmax 1 month ago

lmao the last one was hilarious expessially how the little kid was laughing hahahah! (:

Hailey7713 1 month ago

MOM!!!!!!!!!!

saidivhs 1 month ago

first of all who leeves a fork on a couch second who eats spgetti like that besides your mom third who would want to have secs wit you after you have a kid so just throw that dill away or it time to have that talk to your son.....

singamijig 1 month ago

wtf the third one

rayxbrowning1122 1 month ago

The first one !!!!!!!! LMAO

RoseyLovesBritney1 1 month ago

I bet the last one was awkward for the producers.. "okay... now hand the child the dildo"

jsanford91 1 month ago 115

@jsanford91 ITS A VIBRATOR!!!

Doh616 1 week ago 24

@Doh616 It's a vibrating dildo.

MagePoO 1 week ago

@Doh616 back massager

cza2099 6 days ago

I .love the last one!!!!!! X'D

macko8626 1 month ago

Last one Fail

13XFACEX31 1 month ago

another funny commercial is "slobbersome gum infomercial" its really funny and even has funny bloopers!

randomhahahaa 1 month ago

Oh no! Awe man.. Why would they have a baby play with that..

Vdub15x 1 month ago

why the fuck would ikea, let a child play with a dildo ¿¡ :§

blackninga27 1 month ago

that last commercial was wrong very wrong

foreve331 1 month ago

im at the wird part of youtube again

thegamer13531 1 month ago

Bahahahaa ... Baby playing with a dildo... Can't stop laughing...

johnreyc18 1 month ago

What is so funny about the last one ?

omar52334 1 month ago

OH MY GOD @ last one! That was funny.

peachescrashmacgyver 1 month ago

I'm surprised the second one didn't make the cut. That was fairly clean. The corpse and the vibrator... Not so much.

mistriousfrog 1 month ago

That last one was the best

bubajumo 1 month ago

The last one, Not only for the ladies , Kids can enjoy them too

NB5BHVL 1 month ago

Lmao #SWAG!

DeeJayAyy 1 month ago

wut... hehehehehehe

Kittykatkiddo101 1 month ago

You sure they never made tv? Pretty sure I saw the first and last one before...

08codys90 1 month ago

hahaha. LMFAO

Halo3fanatic1998 1 month ago

LOL

JollyGreenGordon 1 month ago

When that kid grows up, everybody will make fun of him for playing with dildos :P

RainingBrokenHeartz 1 month ago

that's wrong in soo many levels

latinsuga121 1 month ago

ROFL the little kid haha thts great

LazerXX2234 1 month ago

LOL@ THE 3RD ONE!!!

eeagirl128 1 month ago

She got stabbed in the back by a fork.....you know what this mean ladies?

you have angered the the kitchen gods!

mrtundra45 1 month ago

Smh that was not okay get real.

AmbiiEmoRock 1 month ago

Who keeps shoes on their bed while they have dinner? Funny, but it makes no sense

TBIRD0625 1 month ago

OMG!! that is soo funny!! Like kids NEVER find vibrators??

Bjmorgan73 2 months ago

Ok the first two were funny, but the last was...still funny but I wouldn't let my kid even act that part! come on guys get real.

stygianapproach 2 months ago

@stygianapproach

i think the vibro is new, never used. xD

Doze67 2 months ago

@stygianapproach

and the kid have some fun !

Doze67 2 months ago

frgswrgswfrg

Noah414 2 months ago

Nah the first one was how he wants it.

Number1ricky 2 months ago

كيف جت الشوكة ؟

lexus4i 2 months ago

agree only th last one was good, the 1st one na, 2nd one , i saw that coming a mile away..

oakland002 2 months ago

@oakland002 thank you nostradickmus

StupidFatFag 2 months ago

lmfao at 1:27 !!!!

Mr5dollarfootlongs 2 months ago

rofl @ Comercial 3 XD

dreamerz 2 months ago

last one was the best!

24MindyMoo1 2 months ago

lol

tonyandangienc 2 months ago

LOL

athirson101 2 months ago

Check out more funny videos of GOGO - crazy man in a green turtle suit roaming the streets of London and making a lasting impression. Street performance at its best. Must see.

Click my name to witness the awesomeness of the GOGO channel.

AlphaMobileUK 2 months ago

ok what is up with ikea?

Mrcabletwitch 2 months ago

ikea makes really dumb commercials

optimisticgrl 2 months ago

who the fuck lets theyre kid play with a vibrator for a commercial

kennyp521 3 months ago

ladies like em big ladeis like em small, ladies like em all

acookiemonster1 3 months ago

Hahahahaahahhaa

AJUKking 3 months ago

geez the way that kid mad his face in the last oone ude think it was in his but

burtonloco1 3 months ago

well, @ 1st commercial -> She's still warm :P

traicachua96 3 months ago 86

@traicachua96 LOL ur crazy man:))))

EmyY2J 1 month ago

hahahaha last one!!!! that should have made it to tv!

PixieGem247Yo 3 months ago

that was funny

Wisdom162 3 months ago

Aaaaagh lil boy playin w the dildo

GENskateboards 3 months ago

he loves the smell and the way its so slimy

minikeast 3 months ago

Oh....My....Goodness...My jaw dropped at the last one..And i was gagging on the second one..

OfficialBlueOctober 3 months ago

wow, they are so weird. I can see why the last one didnt get on.

Marissaf7 4 months ago

wow, they are so weird. Ican see why the last one didnt get on.

Marissaf7 4 months ago

the last 2 had me rolling

MrJSU2010 4 months ago

did u notice in the first one when they were kissing they were also h**ping O.O

juleahcharisma1 4 months ago

OMG!!! That last one was HILARIOUS!!!

920chrissy 4 months ago

wen da camera went off he boned her unconscious/dead body.

Thebeastwitin1 4 months ago

1:34 skip the ads

ibrahimsub 4 months ago 3

dildo FAIL LOL XD

505pwned 4 months ago

i wonder what that chiled was smelling

505pwned 4 months ago

Oh damn, that wasn't a vibrator, that was mommies special space ship

staightedge801 4 months ago

That kid in the last one is gonna be so screwed when he grows up haha....

TheCatsLastWord 4 months ago

that fork was all like get back to the kitchen bee-yoch!!!

DGMK3672 4 months ago 57

kids dont play with dildos unless its ur girl freinds dildo but make sur she doesnt loloololololololol

MrFunkynutts 4 months ago

the last one made tv ....

hunsaja 4 months ago

poor child

enlargemedia 4 months ago

Lol

xavishep 5 months ago

wooww ..XD

DeathThreatsAndRoses 5 months ago

The Man used 2 FORKs; the one in the FRONT killed her......

prchat 5 months ago

FAIL

greeneyes7377 5 months ago

i wonder how the ppl felt to act that out ... :O

TheAncientSpartan 5 months ago

lol at the last one what a pervert mom

lamascara66 5 months ago

@Inuyasha0261 that's funny, and btw, the last one was just like TOTALLY FUNAY LOL HEHEH! AHAH

ulysses12341 5 months ago

lmao at the last one

KINGVONTAE 5 months ago

Wow. Just wrong! Lmao!

Four2Forty 5 months ago

the ikea one

wat.jpg

SparkSSBM 5 months ago

That last one was so funny. That happend to some girl I know. Her kid found her vibrater and was playing with it.

scloco831 6 months ago

thats not even right .. that shit aint even fuckin funny come on now a fuckin kid playing with a vibrator

e36boyz 6 months ago

OMG!!!!! THE LAST ONE WAS JUST WRONG HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ThePureHeartSora 6 months ago 4

the last one is soo wrong xDDD

SpyengoEen 6 months ago

great bud light commercials budlightcommercials(.)net

brandonsince1986 6 months ago

IKEA adverts are jokes

LadyKosmo 6 months ago

lol thats last one !

jcfreakyomii 7 months ago

That last one was uncalled for.

AnimalLover1977 7 months ago

Excellent!

11ryan23 7 months ago

thats not a vibrator, its a Japanese Bullet Train! ^^

pugosisiw 7 months ago

This has been flagged as spam show

tummieloveable 7 months ago

This has been flagged as spam show

scrygor 7 months ago

This has been flagged as spam show

scrygor 7 months ago

lol awkward.

hanniebby 7 months ago

lol ikea

SLYR237 7 months ago

i like the last one

TheALYSSAisawsome 7 months ago

Well I guess that's why these didn't make it to TV XD LMAO at em all buy WAY too inappropriate XDDD lol at the last one xD

JijiGoesRawr 7 months ago

lol

Alefevre101 7 months ago

tehehe!

fresherdanyou5 8 months ago

he started laughing

foxshot97 8 months ago

YOU SICK FILTH IDIOT PRICK

shahidur1992 8 months ago

Last one made ROFL!

SmallLegacy 8 months ago

haha awesome!

youngbostongirl 8 months ago

thats not a vibrator its a new japanese train :P

Inuyasha0261 8 months ago 135

what was he holding?!?!!?

tinkforeverxoxo 9 months ago

WTF IS THAT KID DOING WITH A VIBRATOR IN THE FIRST PLACE SECOND WHO IN THE HELL LEAVES A 70 DOLLAR VIBRATOR OUT IT MUST BE COVERED IN BIO-LUBE

narutosakura144 9 months ago 2

@narutosakura144 woow, you sure know about it..haha

colombiantom 8 months ago

@colombiantom I JUST WATCH TO MUCH MTV AND E

narutosakura144 8 months ago

LAST ONE WAS AWESOME

Hilarygirl93 9 months ago

thta lil boi rotfl

loveable446 9 months ago

stupid

manfam14 9 months ago

wtf all ikea commericals?

SydtheKiddy 9 months ago

ROFL

KevinLuhrs 9 months ago

WTF a dildo for the kid O.o

I'll never buy ikea stuff again !!

liquidus2172 9 months ago

HAHAHAHA

Lobbinit 9 months ago

Funny

dsalmeron 9 months ago

WTF! I've seen all of these on TV in Norway!

MyGuruLife 10 months ago

the last one was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sassyfrass1234567890 10 months ago

That last one was awesome, too funny. They had another good vibrator one where the grandmother was using it to stir pancake mix.

samanthasue 10 months ago

thats not right xD

MusicForALifetime123 10 months ago

Ikea was very stupid to think the last one would make TV :P

ShaddsSaidSo 10 months ago

i hope his momma washed that thing lol

Ketterashley82 10 months ago

@Ketterashley82

Especially if it was actually his dad using it. XD

PSReldus 10 months ago

Last one was fkn wrong.

ChaziChaz89 10 months ago 3

the second one was ared

greptor 10 months ago

WTF that last one was a shocker LOL

naru24dude 10 months ago

i like how coincidentally all these are sexual.

MrBluedso 11 months ago

Lauren the kid was playing with a dildo....

acsmith4461 11 months ago

ikea makes some pretty messed up commercials...

myapplesarepurple 11 months ago

didn't understand the last one...

Lauren50381 11 months ago

@Lauren50381 the kid was holding a vibrator...

horsebonanza 10 months ago

@horsebonanza

flashvlad 9 months ago

my favorite was the last one.

McCrystalc123 11 months ago

lmfao wwwwwwoooooowwwwwww

TheM1NN13 11 months ago

laughed so hard i cried lmao!!

jmg102380 1 year ago

LOL made me laugh so hard

XINIX100 1 year ago

Thumbs up if funnyjunk brought you here!

Iownyoujk 1 year ago

It's pretty obvious y these neve made tv

forevertweetie 1 year ago

vibrater classic

MrFichino 1 year ago

If the kid ever realized that he was playing with Mommy's special toy I would suggest telling him it was a misunderstanding as it was actually a model of the Titan Booster used to launch the Gemini manned missions in the 60's preparing NASA for the Apollo Program. I am sure he would buy that explanation.

nolarobert 1 year ago

of i get it he left a fork in the couch, haha thats funny

funfetticupcakes12 1 year ago

funny like - search dem guys

Aldoj77 1 year ago

hole in one shit....

what da f.....

krekkrekmu 1 year ago

Ok So The Kid Playing With The Vibrator Was The Best 1 Hands Down!!lol

ecrump10 1 year ago

Last on lmfao

gogetitbaby1 1 year ago

That was horrible!~

TwinHoN 1 year ago

lmaooo. that's cute (;

bamxtay 1 year ago

oh my lol at the last one

kmk2707 2 years ago 102

the third of the clips (the one with the vibrator) has been shown in swedish television

nissafors 2 years ago

ooooooopppppppppps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

daniCajoe 2 years ago

no wonder why these videos are so fucking stupid, not even funny... who would give a USED dildo to a kid and let him play with it for a commercial?...

drumerboy223 2 years ago

@drumerboy223 it wasnt used and that was the point of all the commericials 2 tidy up .becuz his mom or whoever was so sloppy kid ends up finding her vibrator n having something he shouldnt.so it tells her 2 "tidy up" and do so by going 2 ikea.

ecrump10 1 year ago

GAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

dildo + little kid = ?

MacMachineMan 2 years ago 2

Funny kid ! Dildo ? Damn man that's cold.

Put a dong in a kids hands to sell a few fuckin tables , not rite!! €{:(¡) King monkey 3D Dj.

Lvduggo69 2 years ago

Hahaah the kid with the dildoo, funny!!

jackieswirlgirl 2 years ago

oh emm gee . I see why that was banned !! especially the last one aka the funniest !

SenoritaNatalia 2 years ago

one epic fucking kid. :D

Kayatya 2 years ago

Loooooooool! I love the last one.

KaroLovesGames 2 years ago

OMG the last one was HILARIOUS! lololol XD

RikusHeartless 2 years ago 2

omgizzle a vibrator!!

haha holy shiz xD lmao

shiversshivering 2 years ago

ha the kid was playing with a dildo!!!

CrazyChimp 2 years ago 2

hahaha! so funny!!!

Fuzzyllama9 2 years ago

that last vid rockkkkkdd

st3pahniie 2 years ago

LMAO @ LAST VID

K3V1N9993 2 years ago

LMFAO!!!! lat one is hilarious!!!!

xxemoxxanna 2 years ago

the first was kinda stupid but the other to were lol

lazeman95 2 years ago

hahahaha!!! kid playing with vibrator...

Tidy up!

FiveoSmash 2 years ago

rotflmfao hahahahahaah she fucking ate his shoe string lmfao\

this made my fucking day

fatman10103 2 years ago

so funny that kid was playin wit a vibrator i love the way he laughed lol

mileyfan234 2 years ago

lol that kid was playin wit a dildo

Jere2DaMiah 2 years ago

wow HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO

wow lol thats amazing

musicislifez 2 years ago

ROFLMFAO hahahaaa all funny xD

Jeffery0514 2 years ago

LMAO!!!I luv da last 1!

SinThePirateGrl 2 years ago

what was the last 1 about?

angel44444444444 2 years ago

vibrater kid was playing with one

SuperHappyClaw 2 years ago

Rofl Omg This so messed up...

DutsonEntertainment 2 years ago

Lmfao...those are the best IKEA commercials I have ever seen!

DirtyLove87 2 years ago

rofllllll okayy that was funnyyyy. but that kid was too cute, and his laugh and stuff.

SamanthaaMariee9 2 years ago

Comment removed

varro666 2 years ago

omg the kid with the dildo :O lol my jaw dropped...that was nuts

tracyness22 2 years ago

omg! the last one was so nasty how could they think that even funny!!!!!!!!!!!

Beefjerkyy 2 years ago

wow... that was too funny

SaraiVampira 2 years ago

now dis ish isz lyke 2 2 2 2 2 2 funnnneeeee LOL.Zz

Mikejunior252 2 years ago

HAHAHAHAHA i wish television allowed these...

GreatMcGoogler 2 years ago

lmfao rofl... hey Atleast the kid didnt chew on the dildo.

lokibacha 2 years ago

the kid gets all laughy and happy when the vibrator startes up, lmao

MalfoysGirl14 2 years ago 3

shoe string? how could that happen i mean who keeps shoes where they gonna eat

URSOGAY2008 2 years ago 3

lmao I was just about to comment that.

Retribution077 2 years ago

I didn`t get the last one

clonecody2 2 years ago

what didnt you get????

MalfoysGirl14 2 years ago

The boy was playing with a dildo.

Retribution077 2 years ago

it was a dildo

1foldedcrazyfrog1 2 years ago

rofl the dildo!!!!!!!

Gears2JunkieOfWar 2 years ago

hahaha the dildo

overkill7000 2 years ago 3

lmao, the kid with the dildo! lol

2412jojo 2 years ago

when that kid looks back on that day when he is old enough to understand what we held he is going to go through a lot of counciling lol.

DevilChildDante 2 years ago 55

i read ur comment and i was laughing so hard i was crying witch i have never done.

peytonredrocks 2 years ago

lmfao the vibrator start to vibrate and he was all excited

3DGFORLYFE 2 years ago

wow..the second was sooo creepy..

ambyrae 2 years ago

1:21 lol

fartsandeggsxx 2 years ago

lololo vibrator lol

Rockyhorrorfan5 2 years ago

OMG LOL

Mikejunior252 2 years ago

the last was the funniest lol

tylerdork1 2 years ago

omfg the vibrator was hysterical!!

luvbutton78 2 years ago

haha omg the vibrator haha that poor kid

ThnksfrthMmrs1114 2 years ago

oh shit that vibrator was funny as hell omg i shit myself!!!!

brownie21566 2 years ago

the kid with the vibrater stole the show, omg i almost pissed laughing LMAO

XxPunkRockChikaxX 2 years ago 2

ohmygawd!!! i love the last one!!

sarahgboo 2 years ago

HAHAH THE DILDO!

VampirexVickii 2 years ago

haha funny

fredbirdusa 2 years ago

LOL.

maskofmemories 2 years ago

lmao the last one was the funniest

haynwarrior5 2 years ago 2

HAHA the shoelace one xD

puddlesofdoom 2 years ago

lol, all of these did make it onto TV in california!

EgotisticPain 2 years ago

LOL DILDO

lolisjason 2 years ago

This has been flagged as spam show

Rommette 2 years ago

Lmfao! at the last one. oH my god.

Favorited

IHaveAMask 2 years ago 2

man it passive

nikkj2 2 years ago

holy shit!!! I get it violence against Women.

e22378 2 years ago

Hmmm- I hadn't thought about it that way - maybe I should put a warning on it.

skydiverjim 2 years ago

@e22378 Ofc its violence against women

deadforsakenn 1 year ago

@e22378 good eye dude, i just noticed it.

greenchavez13 1 year ago

Old hunter's checkup

2012-01-05T13:20:00.001+08:00

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Get her the skin graft set

2011-12-30T22:36:00.000+08:00

1: What does Megan want for her birthday?

2: get her the skin graft set

1: She is Hannibal lecter now? WTF

2: lol I meant the "skin care" set we talked about from Macy's

1: Put the lotion in the basket!!!

Wisdom of the Indian Barber

2011-12-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

While cutting the (Prime Minister) PM's hair one day, the Indian barber suddenly asked,"What's this Swiss Bank issue?"The PM shouted, "ARE YOU cutting my hair or making inquiry?"Barber: "Sorry Sir, I simply asked."Next day, while cutting the (Deputy Prime Minister) DPM's hair, he again asked,"Sir, what's this money laundering issue?''The DPM shouted, ''WHY do you ask me this question?''Barber: ''Sorry Sir, just a simple question."On the following day, MACC called in the barber and interrogated him,"Are you an agent of PKR?"Barber: "No, Sir."MACC: "Then while cutting their hair, why did you ask our PM and DPM aboutSwiss Bank and money laundering issues?"Barber: "Sir, the reason is, when I asked them about these, their hair stand up straight.And that helps me to cut their hair easily !"

I'm in the bathroom with syphilis

2011-12-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

1: Heyyy where are u

2: I'm in the bathroom with syphilis. P
2: Steph*++***** omg autocorrect

1: Hahaha what???

Coking up

2011-12-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

1: I miss u, are u coming to bed soon?

2: yes coking up in one sec!

1: Coking up? WTF?
1: What r u, Lindsay Lohan now?

2: haha. sorry babe. COMING UP, not coking. there will be no coke.

I'm playing hooker with your dad

2011-11-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

1: Note: Avoid FiberOne bars. They cause intense flatulence.

2: Will do!

1: Haha =]

2: I'm playing hooker with your Dad today!
2: No I meant hockey! Damn that auto correct!

1: Oh lord.

Alphabet Jokes

2011-11-25T19:53:00.000+08:00

What is A B C D E F G stand for:

A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.

After A B C D E F G………………………….

What about H I J K?

He is just kidding……

Iraqis

2011-11-20T22:33:00.000+08:00

1: Please keep warm. Iraqis it will hit -23 tonight. Counting the days.

1: Not Iraqis. It was supposes to say "it says". I suck at texting.

Have cum for me too

2011-11-10T22:32:00.000+08:00

1: My pleasure. Have cum for me too!!

2: LOL

1: Oh my heavens. That was supposed to be FUN. I am mortified!! I would never say that. I am sooo sorry...

2: Freudian slip LOL I got a good laugh

1: Not freudian.... Stupid fill in in iPhone!! Glad you found it funny. I am finding that embarrassing!!!

Buy you a casket

2011-10-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

1: I just wanted to say: I love you!

2: Oh babe. I love you too. So much.
2: If I could, I'd buy you a casket.
2: Gah! A castle! Damn auto correct. Way to ruin a moment.
2: I definitely do not want you in a casket.
2: Hello?

Send fleas to the funeral

2011-10-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

1: Centenary Methodist Saturday at 10am is Thoms Mothers Funeral. Her name is ****.

2: Do you want us to send fleas to the funeral. Or something to tom's house

1: I don't think he would appreciate fleas

I'm having a baby right now

2011-10-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

1: I'm having a baby right now
1: Got damn spell check!!!
1: I'm having a beer right now

2: Lmao

Riding his bisexual

2011-09-30T22:29:00.000+08:00

1: Can you come over in like 5 mins to watch the kids?

2: Sure... wheres John?

1: He's outside riding his bisexual
1: **bike! Omg! His bike. Hahahah.

2: Yiikes, sorry I asked. Haha

Assface

2011-09-20T22:28:00.000+08:00

1: And quick question...what is the name of that place you get the carne assface from

1: OMG!!! Asada....my phone changed it to assface. Must text that too

Have some lesbian or lesgauna

2011-09-10T22:27:00.000+08:00

1: Have some lesbian.

2: WTF???

1: Spell check I was trying to spell lesgauna

2: What?!? Lesguana???
2: Is that a cross between a lesbian and an iguana?
2: Lmfao

1: Spell check on this thing gave me lesbian

2: What is lesguana

1: Lol. Oi am crying

Bloody tampon

2011-08-30T22:27:00.000+08:00

1: For christs sake stop leaving the bloody tampon!!!!!

2: What?? Where?!

1: Lmfao. The bloody lamp on, in the bathroom. Not the tampon. Laughing so hard. Can not breathe.

2: Ohhhh my goddddd. I was like WTF? I have my period so I was totally mortified. Lmao

Dr Tony Tan, Chickens, Sexy Quotes & Mandarin (Singapore Presidential Election 2011 Parody)

2011-08-25T14:27:00.001+08:00

The chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a domesticated fowl, a subspecies of the Red Junglefowl. As one of the most common and widespread domestic animals, and with a population of more than 24 billion in 2003, there are more chickens in the world than any other species of bird. Humans keep chickens primarily as a source of food, consuming both their meat and their eggs.

The Singapore presidential election of 2011 is the fourth Singapore presidential election to be held on 27 August 2011. Nomination day for eligible candidates was held on August 17, 2011. The incumbent President S.R. Nathan's term is to end on August 31, 2011. He could have sought re-election as there are no term limits, but declined to do so.

Four candidates were issued certificates of eligibility by Singapore's Presidential Elections Committee. As all four candidates are expected to stand nominated on Nomination Day, this would most likely be the first contested election since the 1993 election, and the first multi-candidate presidential race in Singaporean history.

Candidates
Tan Cheng Bock
Tan Jee Say
Tony Tan Keng Yam
Tan Kin Lian

Standard Chinese
普通話 / 普通话 Pǔtōnghuà
國語 / 国语 Guóyǔ
華語 / 华语 Huáyǔ
現代標準漢語 / 现代标准汉语 Xiàndài Biāozhǔn Hànyǔ
Spoken in
People's Republic of China,
Republic of China (Taiwan),
Singapore

Standard Chinese or Modern Standard Chinese, also known as Mandarin or Putonghua, is the official language of the People's Republic of China and Republic of China (Taiwan), and is one of the four official languages of Singapore.

A parody (pronounced /ˈpærədi/; also called send-up, spoof or lampoon), in contemporary usage, is a work created to mock, comment on, or trivialise an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of humorous, satiric or ironic imitation. As the literary theorist Linda Hutcheon puts it, "parody ... is imitation, not always at the expense of the parodied text." Another critic, Simon Dentith, defines parody as "any cultural practice which provides a relatively polemical allusive imitation of another cultural production or practice." Parody may be found in art or culture, including literature, music (although "parody" in music has an earlier, somewhat different meaning than for other art forms), animation, gaming and film.

The writer and critic John Gross observes in his Oxford Book of Parodies, that parody seems to flourish on territory somewhere between pastiche ("a composition in another artist's manner, without satirical intent") and burlesque (which "fools around with the material of high literature and adapts it to low ends").

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

original video courtesy of Mediacorp & YouTube channel 154media
民选总统竞选广播 Pt3/4 - 陈庆炎 Dr Tony Tan - 18Aug2011

Did you know?
Originally, the production team was to simply add english subtitles for the non-mandarin speaking community, deaf & users without computer audio. However, it was nearly impossible to decipher or even understand what exactly the speaker was trying to convey and the rest is history...

Comments:

His English and mandarin sounds like my classmate from hong kong....TT confirm is Singaporean and not new citizen?? If he need to visit China and taiwan then he going to communicate in this mandarin??
1blursotong 23 minutes ago

This an old fox!
minstral18 1 hour ago

My skin is black in colour and i swear my mandarin beats him =)
JMX12 1 hour ago

TT is just another elite, just like GCT. His wife like GCT's wife. No diff. As a chinese, I would him to speak chinese or mandarin well enough. With all these, I doubt he can connect well with common sporeans, only able to connect with the inner circle of spore society. He keeps talking about economy, as a President, what can he do? He might as well run for election and be the PM!! Then maybe he can use his expertise in economics and finance!
ongqien 4 hours ago 2

He should spend his final years brushing up on his mandarin than to run for presidency of Singapore IF he considers himself a Chinese . His ancestors will be turning over in their graves TWICE if they hear him speak!! PHONEY TONY ! Hahaha! All u ever think

About is Money !
ZHENSHUN 4 hours ago 4

If my dick had a sense of humor it would be laughing till it puked! LoLx!!! I bet this moron doesn't even know half of what that TelePrompTer is displaying! Muhahaha! My 5 year old semi autistic daughter has better pronunciation skills than phoney Tony. And that handshake is just so rude,insincere and downright discriminating . What a fake shit bastard he is !
ZHENSHUN 4 hours ago 2

Nathan: "...see this old man, why the hell is he still here.."
crazycrazycrazy83 11 hours ago

Mr Brown for president !
fymZxZ 12 hours ago

If you observe his eyes carefully, he is watching the teleprompter beside the camera... watching it reaaaaaallly hard
neonpeony 13 hours ago 3

Dr Tan, do you feel constipated 5:25
xodadjianx 13 hours ago 2

he worst then my sec 3 chinese... shame lo
geee77 15 hours ago 2

Wojciech Szczęsny is so adorable! <3
xBlueWinter 15 hours ago 2

Fuck off la cb old man create n lvl dog fuck you old man go die
MrsForeverlovely 15 hours ago

my goodness. ... he is insulting the chinese speaking older generation lah. can speak dialect TT? Malay? I'm sure our old people can understand Malay better than you hanyu pinyin english. ahahhaaa
myrtung 15 hours ago

wo liao...ken tang. i'm sure his script goes: wo shee chen jinx yen. ben jeer de hoh suen ren. her way lai de .... wo ken wo de dai dai..... zong zoo pao dong sir jeer hoon...

&^*&%$*&)( if TJS speaks funny, TT speaks like shit
myrtung 15 hours ago 3

His generation does not have bilingual education. As the last batch of Chinese stream, I respect him for trying as I know it is not easy. Those who laughed at his Mandarin have actually benefited from the bilingual language policy.
yxlooi 16 hours ago

@yxlooi

He's a chinese isn't he? Does a chinese need to "learn" how to speak chinese? I don't get it. I looked down on chinese who doesn't know how to speak chinese or mandarin well, what a shame!!
ongqien 4 hours ago 2

@yxlooi

He's a chinese isn't he? Does a chinese need to "learn" how to speak chinese? I don't get it. I looked down on chinese who doesn't know how to speak chinese or mandarin well, what a shame!!
ongqien 4 hours ago

lol
MrAssholeTan98 16 hours ago

i miss watching win lose or draw
faeleia 16 hours ago
Comment removed
bb6456224 16 hours ago

the pause at 3:01 is classic .. seems like he is hving a hard time reading the english pronunciation of his chinese speech
bbsonya 17 hours ago

its killing me just to listen his mandarin
bbsonya 17 hours ago

wahlau ....i kept rolling on the ground seeing he speak ....crying ...crying ...laugh till dead

kkwushu 17 hours ago

He is "reading" a mandarin speech using English alphabets. Really feels so sadistic watching it, but at the same time tears almost roll out while laughing, really salute the producers. This is as good as the "hitler" series!
hoosiers90 18 hours ago

funny how he shook people's hand. its like he needed disinfectant after that.
MizusawaMa0 18 hours ago

CCCny, haha!
rapha24mt 20 hours ago 3

laugh until "lao sai"
lesliefan79 21 hours ago 2

I thought my chinese was terrible. But this is exceptionally terrible. No wait It redefines terrible
noobie098 22 hours ago 9

Its like he is taking his chinese oral exam
Molke89 22 hours ago 9

The Camera and crews must be holding back their laughter till their toilet break.
DPTW88 22 hours ago 9

i think preseident SR Nathan's chinese better
budong88 23 hours ago 14

If I am him, I will not speak in Mandarin at all. His body language is also awful! I am quite sure that he is not speaking from his own mind but reading from charts.
denzuko1 23 hours ago 2

I feel so constipated after watching this................
mspisces1995 1 day ago 7

It's obvious he is reading from the script place in front of him , not from his heart.
bondings 1 day ago 5

6:04 - 6:06 notice his thumb is still up during the hand shake.. whereas the store keeper gives a firm grab. No respect for a man who doesn't know how to give a firm handshake.

Anyway blatantly obvious he's teleprompter is all in han yu pin yin. Being a Chinese himself, it will be kind of odd having a translator when he hosts Chinese delegates.
kelvinsiew 1 day ago 5

He can't speak Chinese!
babymonsterist 1 day ago 4

lol what if the teleprompter crash?
1234567friend 1 day ago 6

Singapore will be snowing in December if he really cares about the welfare of Singaporeans! Goddamn liar !.

ZHENSHUN 1 day ago 6

very boring video
Evening001 1 day ago

People who say that Tan Jee Say can't speak English for nuts, please take a look at Tony Tan speaking Mandarin. By that comparison, Tan Jee Say is more effectively bilingual.
greeneggsandparmaham 1 day ago 8

HAHAHAHA! Bao Zi, and Mian Bao.... check out 6:45 too!
fatyandao 1 day ago 3

1:42 is lol.
Wakka4LiFE 1 day ago 2

Talk to my hand!
Ericeric00 1 day ago 3

I think he should change those specs...
shamz58 1 day ago 2

oh no, he is so tensed up .... reading from the script ... in pinying or/and englisg sounds like words
rchangkh 1 day ago

to think he was once our education minister...
bloodhound900 1 day ago 2

ha ha !!!!! hilarious!! 吃鸡的努力. The strength from eating chicken!!!! LOL!! hahahahaha!
limyengchuan 1 day ago

Why is this so soft... so hard to hear the interesting parts
javierliyongen 1 day ago

script reading...
SHlNeeFAN 1 day ago 2

lol....Ok I admit my chinese sucks as much as him. But well the difference here is..Im a normal citizen and his running for presidency...I hope we dont get him as a president?

:O
GUNDAM00745 1 day ago 2

i think it would be good to have english and chinese subtitles in every speaker to avoid misunderstandings
tanyongrui88 1 day ago

@SGRevolution... those are CHINESE dialeccts ( just as Tamil is an Indian dialect). And they are recognised all over the world as Chinese, except in SG.

ahnyaahnya 2 days ago

*imagines a dialogue between him and Wen Jiabao and company.

"wo men xing jia po, kao chi ji de nu li."

Wen: "HUH?"
l0v3v0lv3 2 days ago 3

Trying too hard to be funny. The parody is as tedious as the speech. *shakes head* this is the best you got hur?
koutanot 2 days ago

@koutanot The whole idea is to say his speech is very hard to listen... can be painful..
eiizumi 1 day ago

What warrants the vuglarities part? Mock all u want, without resorting to that. This parody makes no sense generally. Mocking for the sake, u must ne so proud of urself
koutanot 2 days ago

TonyTan 在先告图力后，靠着吃鸡的努力，用明显总统的钱力，做我国的盐手！
zeroeximus 2 days ago 10

You can see him struggling to read the hanyu pinyin on the teleprompter at 1:41.
bayenor 2 days ago

听到幹辛苦。。。真的是超级白。。。
xkevxify 2 days ago 2

Sibei Xia Suay...
oOoLyRrAdoOo 2 days ago

I bet the producers think his pronunciation is so lousy until they do not want to edit his voice
MrLittledicks 2 days ago 4

epic fail mandarin
boboshooters 2 days ago 2

nice 1 ! :)
bloca20 2 days ago 2

FYI, most of the older generation did NOT grow up speaking Mandarin. Most spoke their TRUE mother tongues... Hokkien, Teochew, Cantonese etc., which by the way are also Chinese.
ahnyaahnya 2 days ago 2

@ahnyaahnya those are called dialects
SGRevolution2011 2 days ago

jim carrey..andy...chicken...nathan n more too!! hahaa~~
MGSP 2 days ago 2

haha omg this is hilarious! heheheh..is he memorizing?
MGSP 2 days ago

i have difficulty following the speech too
hiveyhive 2 days ago

It's not like the PAPigs are strong in cyberspace - everyone knows PAPigs got their asses kicked online during GE.

Now, Now! There is only 1 target on which the online bombardment and firestorm is concentrated on... Think Tony a bit xiao liao....

Think Tony will be very xian of the daily, even hourly online mocking...
2011Decision 2 days ago

His chinese like a fail.
aaandric 2 days ago 7

and he was the education minister. shows how our bilingual policy has been working eh? leading by example. pfft. bet he's reading pinyin haha
clementckw 2 days ago

LKY madarin sucks as well, but at least he knows he's weak in it (at least he understands han yu pin yin) and had personal training on it. This guy, TT, wanting (so desperately) to reach out to the local Chinese community, can't even make it work with han yu pin yin ( i can't even understand 1/2 sentence he's saying). I really wonder what if the speech is in chinese characters... it's a painful experience listening to his mandarin...
ic3st0rmer 2 days ago 2
Comment removed
ic3st0rmer 2 days ago

This is a very very naughty clip...

Nice... but xiao! You guys must have spent a crazy long time on it...
2011Decision 2 days ago

hard to read in han yu pin yin?
evoked87 2 days ago

OMG this is so funny!
MyDeppy 2 days ago 2

a parrot can do better...
shahrenzo 2 days ago 4

man...he must've been through a CRASH COURSE or something... just by listening to him ramble incoherently for d first few minutes,is already a painful experience.
shahrenzo 2 days ago 2

So obvious that he's trying to read his script..
lefttosmile 2 days ago 2

He become president of singapore... damn... my god!!! That's utterly embarrassing
Edgedale 2 days ago 5

He speaks Chinese as good as Zoe Tay speaks english
ashura39 2 days ago 2

Wow, 5:10 mins ..... even in the presidential election speech he thinks of Money sia.......
ultraseven2012 2 days ago 3

3:55 mins...I had a good laugh... :D
ultraseven2012 2 days ago

he sounds like a foreign talent .
marcus1407 2 days ago 58

@marcus1407 haha !! which foreign talent.
MGSP 2 days ago

script!!!! hahaha....
djkzee 2 days ago

lol
lordnewbiez 2 days ago

This is really embarrassing!!
severionz 2 days ago

How can a fella who is born in the 60s or even earlier can be so weak in mother tongue? Still run for president? Pls la Tan Jee Say can be better so much.
calaminelotionsux 2 days ago 41

@calaminelotionsux

So someone has to be 'strong' in his mother tongue to run for president?

Does that apply to only the Chinese men? How come no one ever put President Nathan to the Tamil test??

Is the Chinese mother tongue you learn in school, our national language?

To quote your good self, "Pls la," Comment on something else.
junyahrebel 18 hours ago

@calaminelotionsux I don't think Mr Nathan can speak chinese.
philotze 12 hours ago 3

@philotze I don't think Mr Tony Tan is an Indian.
McBliz 5 hours ago

@calaminelotionsux he is a Baba-Nyonya
SoiYulk 1 hour ago

i think i need an interpreter... he's reading off the lines on the camera hahaha
marcus13227 2 days ago

@marcus13227 teleprompter
takahashikyoko1987 2 days ago
Comment removed
marcus13227 2 days ago

HAHAHAHA this is the funniest thing I've seen all week. Nicely done!
legitbusinessman 2 days ago

To be fair. His mandarin really sounds a lil bit off.

Scratch that, really off o_o
KasaruKisuke 2 days ago

Lol , Wtf

ultramaxify 2 days ago

Tell dad not to lick me out tonight

2011-08-20T22:26:00.000+08:00

1: Can you tell dad not to lick me out tonight plz?
1: Oh god I meant to say 'lock me out' worst typo ever

2: Sorry? Type that again!

1: WORST TYPO EVER

2: Oh lord. I will do the latter. Scarred for life. Thank you.

1: Sorry. :-(

2: You have given me lolz

Sat in the frogs

2011-08-10T22:25:00.000+08:00

1: Monday night jersey shore special

2: ohhh.. i didnt know they had that. but yea snookis nasty shit.

1: She had a rash on her ass so she sat in the frogs and announced she had to poop

2: she sat in frogs? and pooped? shits gross.

1: Oh shit that was autocorrect. She sat in the "fridge"

Cumming in his cubicle

2011-07-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

1: I can't concentrate today. I don't want to be here!!!

2: Totally. I know.

1: Is john cumming in his cubicle? The sound is driving me nuts!

2: Omg. What are you hearing????

1: Bwahaha ***humming. Not cumming. Ewww

2: Please pass the brain bleach.

My husband just got head

2011-07-20T22:23:00.000+08:00

1: Oh you know who I hate? That Andy guy on bravo who hosts those reunions.

2: I hate Oprah Winfrey.

1: I hate Guy Fieri.

2: Hahaha I could do this all day but I gotta go. My husband just got head.
2: Here! HERE!!!

1: That was hlarious. I dont hate autocorrect!

Google Map from China to Taiwan

2011-07-14T01:05:00.003+08:00

Go to Google Map
Click on get directions
Key in China and Taiwan

1. Head north toward 312国道 4.0 km
2. Turn right onto 312国道 16.1 km
3. Turn left onto the ramp to Ｇ２２青兰高速 Partial toll road 600 m
4. Keep right at the fork and merge onto Ｇ２２青兰高速 Toll road 167 km
5. Exit onto 312国道 Partial toll road 91.9 km
6. 312国道 turns slightly left and becomes 崆峒大道（中段） 2.9 km
7. Continue onto 崆峒大道（东段） Go through 1 roundabout 2.7 km
8. Continue onto 东湖路 2.5 km
9. Turn right onto 312国道 2.8 km
10. Turn left onto the ramp to Ｇ２２青兰高速 Partial toll road 400 m
11. Keep right at the fork and merge onto Ｇ２２青兰高速 Toll road 69.9 km
12. Take exit 罗汉洞/凤口/西安 toward 312国道 500 m
13. Slight right onto 312国道 77 m
14. Keep left at the fork 26.9 km
15. Take the ramp on the left to Ｇ７０福银高速 220 m
16. Slight left onto Ｇ７０福银高速 Partial toll road 293 km
17. Continue onto Ｇ４０沪陕高速 Toll road 574 km
18. Take the exit onto Ｇ４５大广高速 Partial toll road 214 km
19. Exit on the left onto 201省道 4.4 km
20. Slight right onto the ramp to Ｇ７０福银高速 92 m
21. Keep left at the fork to continue toward Ｇ７０福银高速 150 m
22. Keep right at the fork to continue toward Ｇ７０福银高速 500 m
23. Keep right at the fork and merge onto Ｇ７０福银高速 Partial toll road 115 km
24. Take the exit 500 m
25. Continue straight 1.5 km
26. Continue straight onto ０４７乡道 3.2 km
27. ０４７乡道 turns left and becomes 湖北大道 1.3 km
28. Slight right onto 湖北大道/105国道 Continue to follow 105国道 Toll road 4.9 km
29. Merge onto Ｇ７０福银高速 Partial toll road 710 km
30. Take exit 福州/宁德/Ｇ１５沈海高速/厦门 to merge onto Ｇ１５沈海高速 Toll road 23.3 km
31. Take exit 宏路/福清 to merge onto 福政路 Partial toll road 2.4 km
32. Turn left toward 福玉路 400 m
33. Turn right toward 福玉路 400 m
34. Continue straight onto 福玉路 400 m
35. Turn left onto 清荣大道 350 m
36. Exit onto 福融路 1.3 km
37. Turn left onto 清昌大道 900 m
38. Continue straight to stay on 清昌大道 2.7 km
39. At the roundabout, take the 1st exit onto 龙江路 1.8 km
40. Slight left onto 龙江路/305省道 Continue to follow 305省道 47.3 km
41. Take the ferry 3.2 km
42. Continue straight onto 305省道 10.3 km
43. Continue onto 万宝西路 1.1 km
44. Continue onto 万宝中路 1.4 km
45. Turn left onto 西航路 2.0 km
46. Turn right onto 龙凤路 650 m
47. Turn left 86 m
48. Swim across the Pacific Ocean 165 km
49. Continue straight 1.1 km
50. Turn right onto 領港大道 900 m
51. Slight right to stay on 領港大道 450 m
52. Turn left onto 台64線 11.2 km
53. Take exit 五股二交流道 toward 國道1號 210 m
54. Take exit 五股二交流道(五股交流道/五股) toward 國道1號 450 m
55. Take exit 五股二交流道(國1五股交流道) on the left toward 國道1號 1.9 km
56. Take exit 五股交流道 to merge onto 國道1號 66.1 km
57. Take exit 新竹系統交流道 to merge onto 國道3號 137 km
58. Take exit 名間交流道 toward 名間/集集 1.0 km
59. Turn left onto 彰南路/台3線 Continue to follow 台3線 2.5 km
60. Continue onto 員集路/台16線 Continue to follow 台16線 15.3 km
61. Turn right onto 中山路一段/台16線 Continue to follow 台16線 4.3 km
62. Slight right onto 新中橫公路水里玉山線/台21線 Continue to follow 台21線 3.6 km
63. Turn left onto 人倫林道 450 m
64. Turn right to stay on 人倫林道 1.6 km
65. Turn left to stay on 人倫林道 1.6 km
66. Take the 1st left to stay on 人倫林道 1.3 km
67. Turn left to stay on 人倫林道 950 m
68. Turn right to stay on 人倫林道 26.6 km
69. Turn right onto 人倫林道支線 200 m

Erected

2011-07-10T22:22:00.000+08:00

1: OM!! Modern Family is HILARIOUS tonight!

2: Yznzm'zjjs
2: Zdzwo

1: Haaaa! Thanks Collin!
1: Grandpa loves you. :D

2: Lol! Sorry! He had my phone when you erected!
2: Lol! Texted!! TEXTED!! sorry dad!

1: When I WHAT!

Feces navidad

2011-06-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

1: I'm at my holiday party. Wooooo. Feces navidad!!!!

2: Wow. Talk about a party pooper! Hahah

1: :p I meant Feliz Navidad! Whoops!

2: Festive!

Can't stop douching

2011-06-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

1: Dying. I'm dying

2: no

1: Yes
1: I can't stop douching
1: Coughing

2: XD sorry baby but that was hilarious

1: I know I laughed too

Syphilis

2011-06-10T22:21:00.000+08:00

1: I'm tired of the snow. The weather report just said like 8-12 inches more or syphilis
1: Or something
1: Hahahaha

2: Syphilis?!?!?! I dont have clothes for that.

1: I'm not prepared either. Hahaha.

Iphone 44G - The world in 30 years

2011-06-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

iPhone 44G ?!?!?! HAHAHA

It can do everything!

Bone your wife

2011-05-30T22:20:00.000+08:00

1: Hey bro I need to bone your wife tonight is that cool?

2: Ya have her back by morning

1: Wow!!!! Sorry man I meant borrow your wife. WTF!!! Hows that work.
1: Damn iPhone!!!

2: Oh ok just be gentle

1: Thanks man!!!

Funny sex jokes

2011-05-25T14:58:00.000+08:00

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife,'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..Finally,they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally,they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’;

Choked on penis

2011-05-20T22:19:00.000+08:00

1: Lmfao

2: That made me laugh so much

1: I just choked on my penis
1: Pretzel*** WTF

2: LMFAO!!!!!!

1: Lmfao dammit iPhone 4

Escalator jokes

2011-05-15T01:09:00.001+08:00

Oh no.. the escalator is spoiled! Somebody save me!!!

Camel whore

2011-05-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

1: Todd wants a new camel whore for Christmas. Not sure one to get him. So many options. Any ideas?!

2: Whoa. What's a camel whore and what type of "options"?

1: Haha. I meant camera bag. I cannot believe it corrected to camel whore!!! How embarrassing. He is NOT getting any type of whore for Christmas.

Cock slap on iphone

2011-04-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

1: I just figured out how to use cock slap on my iphone! (kinda feel dumb)

2: Ummmmm. What?

1: HOLY SHIT! I mean: CAPSLOCK! (kinda feel realllly dumb now)

2: COCKSLAP

One spelling mistake can destroy your life

2011-04-25T01:59:00.000+08:00

One spelling mistake can destroy your life.

A Husband sent this to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.”

Funny Video; Why so small

2011-04-24T17:36:00.000+08:00

The Lady : what bird is this...??why so small...??

the guy : This is Import from Malaysia...!!!

The Lady : didn't see before...it looks small like kids that i saw....

the guy : it it just fly to Thailand here...

The Lady : ooo fly from far away and feather already gone...this bird bang to what why ITS head already flatten ...??go away

the guy : Nooo~~~arghhh falln*

Defacating

2011-04-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

1: Heyyyyyy what are you up to

2: Not much. I'm just defacating outside.

1: Eweww. Why? Are your toilets broken?

2: Lmao. No, they're fine. I'm DECORATING outside. Christmas lights.

1: Ha. Good I was starting to worry.

Divorce

2011-04-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

1: Your mom and I are going to divorce next month

2: what??? why! call me please?

1: I wrote Disney and this phone changed it. We are going to Disney.

Skin graft for Megan

2011-03-30T22:13:00.000+08:00

Ken Lee or Without you by Mariah Carey

2011-03-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

A contestant in the second season of the Bulgarian show "Music Idol" performs Mariah Carey's song "Without you" in fake English.

The contestant's name is Valentina Hasan, 29 years old. She's from the village of Zvezdelina, in the Kardzhali Province. Valentina's married and "Hasan" is her husband's surname. She currently lives in Spain.

Ass pounded - with video

2011-03-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

1: Guess who just got their ass pounded!

2: I don't know but tell me there's video

1: Omg. I wrote GROUNDED. and I hate this phone.

Whore foods - tall and blonde

2011-03-15T22:12:00.000+08:00

1: Be home soon. Do you want anything from whore foods?

2: If you're at whore foods I'll take something tall and blonde.

2: But if you're at whole foods I'll take some peanut butter.

I love your nipples

2011-03-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

1: I love your eyes.Period

2: and I love your nipples period.
2: dimples*******
2: LOLOL

1: Lmfaooo wowwww

2: Imfao auto correct fuxked it upp

1: Haha damm my nipless?

2: noo your dimples ***
2: lmfaooo

Funny japanese prank

2011-02-15T12:46:00.000+08:00

that first old dude is cooler than any of us ever will be.

Haircut

2010-12-01T20:12:00.000+08:00

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about
his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When
the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when
the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts
waiting for him at his door.

Then a UMNOputra came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next
morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen UMNO putras lined up
waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

GIRL IN BIKINI

2010-11-18T20:12:00.001+08:00

Indian LOGIC

2010-11-05T19:21:00.003+08:00

Water is precious
Save water
Drink beer

People who drink, get drunk
People who get drunk, go to sleep
People who go to sleep, do no sin
People who do no sin, go to heaven
So.. so let us all drink, and go to heaven!

Engineer in Hell

2010-11-02T03:22:00.000+08:00

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED!

2010-11-01T20:07:00.000+08:00

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Buy mum

2010-10-26T13:19:00.000+08:00

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Police Station Jokes

2010-10-16T13:17:00.001+08:00

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him"

Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

TV jokes

2010-10-06T13:16:00.000+08:00

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Giving up

2010-09-26T13:14:00.000+08:00

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.'

"What's the matter," asked Larry "Giving up?"

Crazy Japanese Guy

2010-09-23T22:13:00.000+08:00

Go around shouting at people to scare them.

Stupid stands up

2010-09-16T13:12:00.001+08:00

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Prank on washroom

2010-09-02T00:14:00.001+08:00

Both are female washrooms? LOL

Cute and Funny Chinese Cartoon

2010-08-27T15:02:00.002+08:00

It's in Chinese. The world is coming to an end and all the celebrities are revealing their true selves on the television programme. When the last guy, the magician, shows his true supernatural power by saving the Earth, the other celebrities quickly change back to their usual fake forms.

Taylor Swift Parody- I'm So Hungry

2010-08-22T18:29:00.000+08:00

Jaymes and Nathan Conquer Taylor Swift

lyrics:
You're all alone and you're pacing back and forth.
You had your dinner but you probably want some more.
You think about taking a trip to IHOP
I'm chillin out watching old reruns of scrubs.
I ate a pizza but I wanna go get more grub.
I was thinkin maybe we could carpool to IHOP

Make no mistake. I want pancakes.
I'm thinkin' breakfast even though it's gettin kinda late.
I don't have a car and IHOP is kinda far
I could use a ride because....I don't have a car

If we had telephones you'd know I wanted food too
But you closed your curtains before I could tell you
We should get a bite to eat. I'm so hungry

O I remember I wrote down that I'm hungry
But I didn't show you. Probably shoulda shown you.
Then we'd be at IHOP, but we're not at IHOP
and I'm really starving. I should buy a car
Then I wouldn't need a ride.

I must admit sometimes It's hard to understand you.
We should both get cell phones...or just....open the window.
We should get a bite to eat.

Parody of Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me ("Just A Zombie")

2010-08-12T17:05:00.001+08:00

Parody of Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me ("Just A Zombie")

Office lady asks for the paper from her boss

2010-08-06T16:52:00.002+08:00

Sorry.. this video is in Mandarin but you sure can get the meaning from the actions.

Office lady asks for the paper from her boss repeatedly.
Why??

Testing the guys with upskirt

2010-07-29T03:58:00.001+08:00

Watch their reactions when the girl went up...

Psychology graduate student

2010-07-01T00:56:00.000+08:00

You just might be a psychology graduate student if...

...you spend more on books than on tuition.
...you actually hope your professor assigns homework.
...you get a 4 hour final with 5 questions or less.
...the words "free time" are unfamiliar to you.
...you spend Saturday morning waiting for the library to open.
...you've memorized your professors' home phone numbers.
...your professors know your home phone number.
...more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...you have ever brought a homework to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

Impolite guy

2010-06-27T00:53:00.000+08:00

A beautiful woman goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, I can't help it. Every time I meet an impolite guy, I must immediately have sex with him."

The doctor responded, "Shut up, you whore!"

Psycho humor

2010-06-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

Psychiatric Hot-line.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 4.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 1, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Multiple personality sufferer

2010-06-20T00:52:00.000+08:00

What do you ask a multiple personality sufferer after sex?

"Well, was it good for you guys, too?"

Penile inadequacy

2010-06-17T00:51:00.000+08:00

Do you know the difference between a healthy man and one obsessed with penile inadequacy? Of course, not.

Psychiatrist and prostitute

2010-06-10T00:51:00.000+08:00

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a prostitute?

About $20.

Push-up bra fuse box

2010-06-07T00:49:00.001+08:00

A psychiatrist interviews a patient recovering from a head injury. When asked if the patient had any long-term side effects, he answered, "I'm fine. I used to use the wrong words in a sentence on occasion, but now I'm push-up bra fuse box Hubert Humphrey."

Have you ever had the hump of a camel?

2010-06-01T00:54:00.001+08:00

A middle-aged man went to a therapist while facing a mid-life crisis. The doctor encouraged him to get out into the world and travel: "Experience new places. Eat new foods. In my life, I've eaten shark and snake. Have you ever had the hump of a camel?"

The patient replied: "No, but when I was younger, I was pretty good."

What does a dyslexic devil worshiper do on weekends?

2010-05-27T00:44:00.000+08:00

What does a dyslexic devil worshiper do on weekends?

He worships Santa.

Guy's endurance

2010-05-25T00:24:00.001+08:00

The nude male model sees a hot painter and starts to endure...

Barbra Streisand's ego

2010-05-23T00:48:00.001+08:00

Hundreds of Barbra Streisand's possessions will be sold at an auction in Los Angeles. Amongst all these items there is one rumored to be so big, so spectacularly grand, so priceless that no dollar amount could possibly be placed on it. Fortunately, her ego's not for sale.

Fill in the blank

2010-05-21T00:39:00.001+08:00

Fill in the blanks.

1. B O O _ S

2. _ _ N D O M

3. F _ _ K

4. P _ N _ S

5. P U _ S _

Have you done this?

Good.

Now check your answers.

The correct answers are:

1. B O O K S

2. R A N D O M

3. F O R K

4. P A N T S

5. P U L S E

Dirty mind!

Shit jokes

2010-05-20T00:45:00.001+08:00

A clinical hypnotherapist induced a trance to a large group of volunteers and ordered them to do whatever he said immediately upon command. Unfortunately, he tripped over his own couch and yelled, "Shit!"

Today's thought about Woman

2010-05-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man.

While men are so simple that they want only one thing from all women.

We are all in line 2

Do you smoke after sex?

2010-05-17T00:37:00.000+08:00

A doctor asked his patient trying to quit smoking, "Do you smoke after sex?"

She responded, "I don't know. I never looked."

Humour - 2 priests on vacation

2010-05-15T00:50:00.001+08:00

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Oral for an extra $20

2010-05-12T00:46:00.001+08:00

An ugly guy walks into a bar and asks the best-looking woman if he can buy her a drink. She shouts, "No, I won't sleep with you, you disgusting pig."

A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she's a psych student researching humiliation.

He shouts back, "What do you mean you'll do for oral for an extra $20?"

How does someone with chronic memory loss shop for groceries?

2010-05-10T00:43:00.000+08:00

How does someone with chronic memory loss shop for groceries?

What? Hmm? Sorry?

Office Sign

2010-05-09T00:59:00.000+08:00

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it ok, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Assholes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally decided on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

What happens if all the big companies start selling condoms?

2010-05-07T01:01:00.000+08:00

What happens if all the big companies start selling condoms?

DENTONIC CONDOM
Twice a day esprecially before going to bed.

NOKIA COMDOM
Connecting people.

PEPSODENT CONDOM
Whole night fights with germs

LUX CONDOM
Be more filmy be more celebrity outlook.

A Man & his Ostrich

2010-05-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress..

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly after the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table....

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp... When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Multiple personality patient

2010-05-01T00:05:00.000+08:00

A psychiatrist asked her multiple personality patient, "So, do you feel like you're cured."

He replied, "Absolutely. We've never felt better."

Collective unconscious

2010-04-28T00:13:00.000+08:00

How can anybody possibly believe in the collective unconscious?

It's easy - if you're Jung at heart.

Why did the movie theater employee have to enter therapy?

2010-04-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

Why did the movie theater employee have to enter therapy for blaming others for his problems?

He's a projectionist.

Bush Health Plan

2010-04-24T00:42:00.000+08:00

A congressional committee has passed the first version of the Bush Health Plan, including a special prevision for pathological sexual addiction. The bill is sponsored by Senator Ted Kennedy, and it encourages mental and physical well being through extensive cardio-vascular exercise -- without pants.

What does a codependent order for lunch?

2010-04-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

What does a codependent order for lunch?

I don't know. What do you think I should say?

How did Sigmund's wife get him turned on?

2010-04-20T00:38:00.000+08:00

How did Sigmund's wife get him turned on?

She'd show up wearing only her Freudian slip.

Neurotic and squirrel

2010-04-17T00:11:00.000+08:00

What does a neurotic have in common with a near-sighted, horny squirrel?

They're both @#$%ing nuts!

Pathological narcissist

2010-04-15T00:35:00.001+08:00

To define Pathological Narcissist, see Madonna. She recently opened her new restaurant down in Miami. It didn't take long for the health inspector to get involved when they found an infestation of disgusting bacteria and assorted vermin throughout the place. Turns out it was just Madonna inviting her old boyfriends to the grand opening.

Manic-depressive

2010-04-12T00:12:00.000+08:00

Why did the manic-depressive cross the road?

Who cares?

What does any of it matter?

I can't make any friends

2010-04-05T00:09:00.001+08:00

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and complains, "I can't make any friends, doctor."

He replies, "Why do you think that is?"

She answered, "I don't know, you stupid, fat, ugly idiot."

New answering system at the clinic

2010-04-03T00:31:00.000+08:00

They just installed a new answering system at the clinic. It asks anyone suffering from obsessive/compulsive disorder to press one repeatedly. If he or she is paranoid, press two but don't look behind you. If you have multiple personalities, have your alter ego, Mr. Pretzels, press three, four and five. And, if you have a self-esteem problem, don't waste our time.

The Amish Elevator

2010-04-01T00:39:00.001+08:00

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'

Olympic sex

2010-03-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

Hi Facebook, I got laid

2010-03-29T00:29:00.003+08:00

Thank you too, Michael, I had a great time as well. I'm glad you enjoyed my OTHER pussy :). I must admit, I haven't had sex in a while, so getting mounted by such a strong and powerful man was a pleasant surprise after so many long months of abstinence. I hope this message doesn't scare you off, I just wanted you to know what a wonderful time I had with you. You are permanently invited to "the-love-between-my -legs"

Paranoid

2010-03-28T00:34:00.001+08:00

What does a paranoid have in common with the all-knowing master of time space and dimension that secretly controls all of our lives?

Right, like you don't know.