Tried and trusted

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Bathroom help

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Kittens

A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "how did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Bless us

A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers.

Father : "Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee."

Twins : "Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."

The Biker

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

Wrong Service

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"

So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.

The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.

The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.

The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.

When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"

The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."

Misconception

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it helped. You should try it too!"

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.

The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.

"I see you followed my advice?"

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

The Broken Hearted Man

This guy walks into a bar and buys a bottle of vodka and sculls it down in front of the bartender.

The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".
The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he was gay."

The bartender replies, "that ain't good," just before the guy collapses on the floor in front of him.

The next day the same guy comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.
"The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong this time?"

The guy goes, "My youngest son just told my he was gay."

Once again the bartender goes "Mate, that's fucken shockin," just like before the guy collapses on the floor again.

The guy walks again the next day and buys a bottle of vodka.

The bartender goes "Mate, isn't there anyone in you're family that likes pussy?"

The guy goes, "Apparently my wife does."

The Army Of The Church

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

One Funny Day

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes...

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.