Dr Tony Tan, Chickens, Sexy Quotes & Mandarin (Singapore Presidential Election 2011 Parody)

The chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a domesticated fowl, a subspecies of the Red Junglefowl. As one of the most common and widespread domestic animals, and with a population of more than 24 billion in 2003, there are more chickens in the world than any other species of bird. Humans keep chickens primarily as a source of food, consuming both their meat and their eggs.

The Singapore presidential election of 2011 is the fourth Singapore presidential election to be held on 27 August 2011. Nomination day for eligible candidates was held on August 17, 2011. The incumbent President S.R. Nathan's term is to end on August 31, 2011. He could have sought re-election as there are no term limits, but declined to do so.

Four candidates were issued certificates of eligibility by Singapore's Presidential Elections Committee. As all four candidates are expected to stand nominated on Nomination Day, this would most likely be the first contested election since the 1993 election, and the first multi-candidate presidential race in Singaporean history.

Candidates
Tan Cheng Bock
Tan Jee Say
Tony Tan Keng Yam
Tan Kin Lian

Standard Chinese
普通話 / 普通话 Pǔtōnghuà
國語 / 国语 Guóyǔ
華語 / 华语 Huáyǔ
現代標準漢語 / 现代标准汉语 Xiàndài Biāozhǔn Hànyǔ
Spoken in
People's Republic of China,
Republic of China (Taiwan),
Singapore

Standard Chinese or Modern Standard Chinese, also known as Mandarin or Putonghua, is the official language of the People's Republic of China and Republic of China (Taiwan), and is one of the four official languages of Singapore.

A parody (pronounced /ˈpærədi/; also called send-up, spoof or lampoon), in contemporary usage, is a work created to mock, comment on, or trivialise an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of humorous, satiric or ironic imitation. As the literary theorist Linda Hutcheon puts it, "parody ... is imitation, not always at the expense of the parodied text." Another critic, Simon Dentith, defines parody as "any cultural practice which provides a relatively polemical allusive imitation of another cultural production or practice." Parody may be found in art or culture, including literature, music (although "parody" in music has an earlier, somewhat different meaning than for other art forms), animation, gaming and film.

The writer and critic John Gross observes in his Oxford Book of Parodies, that parody seems to flourish on territory somewhere between pastiche ("a composition in another artist's manner, without satirical intent") and burlesque (which "fools around with the material of high literature and adapts it to low ends").

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


original video courtesy of Mediacorp & YouTube channel 154media
民选总统竞选广播 Pt3/4 - 陈庆炎 Dr Tony Tan - 18Aug2011


Did you know?
Originally, the production team was to simply add english subtitles for the non-mandarin speaking community, deaf & users without computer audio. However, it was nearly impossible to decipher or even understand what exactly the speaker was trying to convey and the rest is history...


Comments:

His English and mandarin sounds like my classmate from hong kong....TT confirm is Singaporean and not new citizen?? If he need to visit China and taiwan then he going to communicate in this mandarin??
1blursotong 23 minutes ago

This an old fox!
minstral18 1 hour ago

My skin is black in colour and i swear my mandarin beats him =)
JMX12 1 hour ago

TT is just another elite, just like GCT. His wife like GCT's wife. No diff. As a chinese, I would him to speak chinese or mandarin well enough. With all these, I doubt he can connect well with common sporeans, only able to connect with the inner circle of spore society. He keeps talking about economy, as a President, what can he do? He might as well run for election and be the PM!! Then maybe he can use his expertise in economics and finance!
ongqien 4 hours ago 2

He should spend his final years brushing up on his mandarin than to run for presidency of Singapore IF he considers himself a Chinese . His ancestors will be turning over in their graves TWICE if they hear him speak!! PHONEY TONY ! Hahaha! All u ever think

About is Money !
ZHENSHUN 4 hours ago 4

If my dick had a sense of humor it would be laughing till it puked! LoLx!!! I bet this moron doesn't even know half of what that TelePrompTer is displaying! Muhahaha! My 5 year old semi autistic daughter has better pronunciation skills than phoney Tony. And that handshake is just so rude,insincere and downright discriminating . What a fake shit bastard he is !
ZHENSHUN 4 hours ago 2

Nathan: "...see this old man, why the hell is he still here.."
crazycrazycrazy83 11 hours ago

Mr Brown for president !
fymZxZ 12 hours ago

If you observe his eyes carefully, he is watching the teleprompter beside the camera... watching it reaaaaaallly hard
neonpeony 13 hours ago 3

Dr Tan, do you feel constipated 5:25
xodadjianx 13 hours ago 2

he worst then my sec 3 chinese... shame lo
geee77 15 hours ago 2

Wojciech Szczęsny is so adorable! <3
xBlueWinter 15 hours ago 2

Fuck off la cb old man create n lvl dog fuck you old man go die
MrsForeverlovely 15 hours ago

my goodness. ... he is insulting the chinese speaking older generation lah. can speak dialect TT? Malay? I'm sure our old people can understand Malay better than you hanyu pinyin english. ahahhaaa
myrtung 15 hours ago

wo liao...ken tang. i'm sure his script goes: wo shee chen jinx yen. ben jeer de hoh suen ren. her way lai de .... wo ken wo de dai dai..... zong zoo pao dong sir jeer hoon...

&^*&%$*&)( if TJS speaks funny, TT speaks like shit
myrtung 15 hours ago 3

His generation does not have bilingual education. As the last batch of Chinese stream, I respect him for trying as I know it is not easy. Those who laughed at his Mandarin have actually benefited from the bilingual language policy.
yxlooi 16 hours ago

@yxlooi

He's a chinese isn't he? Does a chinese need to "learn" how to speak chinese? I don't get it. I looked down on chinese who doesn't know how to speak chinese or mandarin well, what a shame!!
ongqien 4 hours ago 2

@yxlooi

He's a chinese isn't he? Does a chinese need to "learn" how to speak chinese? I don't get it. I looked down on chinese who doesn't know how to speak chinese or mandarin well, what a shame!!
ongqien 4 hours ago

lol
MrAssholeTan98 16 hours ago

i miss watching win lose or draw
faeleia 16 hours ago
Comment removed
bb6456224 16 hours ago

the pause at 3:01 is classic .. seems like he is hving a hard time reading the english pronunciation of his chinese speech
bbsonya 17 hours ago

its killing me just to listen his mandarin
bbsonya 17 hours ago

wahlau ....i kept rolling on the ground seeing he speak ....crying ...crying ...laugh till dead


kkwushu 17 hours ago

He is "reading" a mandarin speech using English alphabets. Really feels so sadistic watching it, but at the same time tears almost roll out while laughing, really salute the producers. This is as good as the "hitler" series!
hoosiers90 18 hours ago

funny how he shook people's hand. its like he needed disinfectant after that.
MizusawaMa0 18 hours ago

CCCny, haha!
rapha24mt 20 hours ago 3

laugh until "lao sai"
lesliefan79 21 hours ago 2

I thought my chinese was terrible. But this is exceptionally terrible. No wait It redefines terrible
noobie098 22 hours ago 9

Its like he is taking his chinese oral exam
Molke89 22 hours ago 9

The Camera and crews must be holding back their laughter till their toilet break.
DPTW88 22 hours ago 9

i think preseident SR Nathan's chinese better
budong88 23 hours ago 14

If I am him, I will not speak in Mandarin at all. His body language is also awful! I am quite sure that he is not speaking from his own mind but reading from charts.
denzuko1 23 hours ago 2

I feel so constipated after watching this................
mspisces1995 1 day ago 7

It's obvious he is reading from the script place in front of him , not from his heart.
bondings 1 day ago 5

6:04 - 6:06 notice his thumb is still up during the hand shake.. whereas the store keeper gives a firm grab. No respect for a man who doesn't know how to give a firm handshake.

Anyway blatantly obvious he's teleprompter is all in han yu pin yin. Being a Chinese himself, it will be kind of odd having a translator when he hosts Chinese delegates.
kelvinsiew 1 day ago 5

He can't speak Chinese!
babymonsterist 1 day ago 4

lol what if the teleprompter crash?
1234567friend 1 day ago 6

Singapore will be snowing in December if he really cares about the welfare of Singaporeans! Goddamn liar !.

ZHENSHUN 1 day ago 6

very boring video
Evening001 1 day ago

People who say that Tan Jee Say can't speak English for nuts, please take a look at Tony Tan speaking Mandarin. By that comparison, Tan Jee Say is more effectively bilingual. 
greeneggsandparmaham 1 day ago 8

HAHAHAHA! Bao Zi, and Mian Bao.... check out 6:45 too!
fatyandao 1 day ago 3

1:42 is lol.
Wakka4LiFE 1 day ago 2

Talk to my hand!
Ericeric00 1 day ago 3

I think he should change those specs...
shamz58 1 day ago 2

oh no, he is so tensed up .... reading from the script ... in pinying or/and englisg sounds like words
rchangkh 1 day ago

to think he was once our education minister...
bloodhound900 1 day ago 2

ha ha !!!!! hilarious!! 吃鸡的努力. The strength from eating chicken!!!! LOL!! hahahahaha!
limyengchuan 1 day ago

Why is this so soft... so hard to hear the interesting parts
javierliyongen 1 day ago

script reading...
SHlNeeFAN 1 day ago 2

lol....Ok I admit my chinese sucks as much as him. But well the difference here is..Im a normal citizen and his running for presidency...I hope we dont get him as a president?

:O
GUNDAM00745 1 day ago 2

i think it would be good to have english and chinese subtitles in every speaker to avoid misunderstandings
tanyongrui88 1 day ago

@SGRevolution... those are CHINESE dialeccts ( just as Tamil is an Indian dialect). And they are recognised all over the world as Chinese, except in SG.

ahnyaahnya 2 days ago

*imagines a dialogue between him and Wen Jiabao and company.

"wo men xing jia po, kao chi ji de nu li."

Wen: "HUH?"
l0v3v0lv3 2 days ago 3

Trying too hard to be funny. The parody is as tedious as the speech. *shakes head* this is the best you got hur?
koutanot 2 days ago

@koutanot The whole idea is to say his speech is very hard to listen... can be painful..
eiizumi 1 day ago

What warrants the vuglarities part? Mock all u want, without resorting to that. This parody makes no sense generally. Mocking for the sake, u must ne so proud of urself
koutanot 2 days ago

TonyTan 在先告图力后， 靠着吃鸡的努力， 用明显总统的钱力，做我国的盐手！
zeroeximus 2 days ago 10

You can see him struggling to read the hanyu pinyin on the teleprompter at 1:41.
bayenor 2 days ago

听到幹辛苦。。。真的是超级白。。。
xkevxify 2 days ago 2

Sibei Xia Suay...
oOoLyRrAdoOo 2 days ago

I bet the producers think his pronunciation is so lousy until they do not want to edit his voice
MrLittledicks 2 days ago 4

epic fail mandarin
boboshooters 2 days ago 2

nice 1 ! :)
bloca20 2 days ago 2

FYI, most of the older generation did NOT grow up speaking Mandarin. Most spoke their TRUE mother tongues... Hokkien, Teochew, Cantonese etc., which by the way are also Chinese.
ahnyaahnya 2 days ago 2

@ahnyaahnya those are called dialects
SGRevolution2011 2 days ago

jim carrey..andy...chicken...natha­n n more too!! hahaa~~
MGSP 2 days ago 2

haha omg this is hilarious! heheheh..is he memorizing?
MGSP 2 days ago

i have difficulty following the speech too
hiveyhive 2 days ago

It's not like the PAPigs are strong in cyberspace - everyone knows PAPigs got their asses kicked online during GE.

Now, Now! There is only 1 target on which the online bombardment and firestorm is concentrated on... Think Tony a bit xiao liao....

Think Tony will be very xian of the daily, even hourly online mocking...
2011Decision 2 days ago

His chinese like a fail.
aaandric 2 days ago 7

and he was the education minister. shows how our bilingual policy has been working eh? leading by example. pfft. bet he's reading pinyin haha
clementckw 2 days ago

LKY madarin sucks as well, but at least he knows he's weak in it (at least he understands han yu pin yin) and had personal training on it. This guy, TT, wanting (so desperately) to reach out to the local Chinese community, can't even make it work with han yu pin yin ( i can't even understand 1/2 sentence he's saying). I really wonder what if the speech is in chinese characters... it's a painful experience listening to his mandarin...
ic3st0rmer 2 days ago 2
Comment removed
ic3st0rmer 2 days ago

This is a very very naughty clip...

Nice... but xiao! You guys must have spent a crazy long time on it...
2011Decision 2 days ago

hard to read in han yu pin yin?
evoked87 2 days ago

OMG this is so funny!
MyDeppy 2 days ago 2

 a parrot can do better...
shahrenzo 2 days ago 4

man...he must've been through a CRASH COURSE or something... just by listening to him ramble incoherently for d first few minutes,is already a painful experience.
shahrenzo 2 days ago 2

So obvious that he's trying to read his script..
lefttosmile 2 days ago 2

He become president of singapore... damn... my god!!! That's utterly embarrassing
Edgedale 2 days ago 5

He speaks Chinese as good as Zoe Tay speaks english
ashura39 2 days ago 2

Wow, 5:10 mins ..... even in the presidential election speech he thinks of Money sia....... 
ultraseven2012 2 days ago 3

3:55 mins...I had a good laugh... :D
ultraseven2012 2 days ago

he sounds like a foreign talent .
marcus1407 2 days ago 58

@marcus1407  haha !! which foreign talent.
MGSP 2 days ago

script!!!! hahaha....
djkzee 2 days ago

lol
lordnewbiez 2 days ago

This is really embarrassing!!
severionz 2 days ago

How can a fella who is born in the 60s or even earlier can be so weak in mother tongue? Still run for president? Pls la Tan Jee Say can be better so much.
calaminelotionsux 2 days ago 41

@calaminelotionsux

So someone has to be 'strong' in his mother tongue to run for president?

Does that apply to only the Chinese men? How come no one ever put President Nathan to the Tamil test??

Is the Chinese mother tongue you learn in school, our national language?

To quote your good self, "Pls la," Comment on something else.
junyahrebel 18 hours ago

@calaminelotionsux I don't think Mr Nathan can speak chinese.
philotze 12 hours ago 3

@philotze I don't think Mr Tony Tan is an Indian.
McBliz 5 hours ago

@calaminelotionsux he is a Baba-Nyonya
SoiYulk 1 hour ago

i think i need an interpreter... he's reading off the lines on the camera hahaha
marcus13227 2 days ago

@marcus13227 teleprompter
takahashikyoko1987 2 days ago
Comment removed
marcus13227 2 days ago

HAHAHAHA this is the funniest thing I've seen all week. Nicely done!
legitbusinessman 2 days ago

To be fair. His mandarin really sounds a lil bit off.

Scratch that, really off o_o
KasaruKisuke 2 days ago

Lol , Wtf

ultramaxify 2 days ago

Cute and Funny Chinese Cartoon

It's in Chinese. The world is coming to an end and all the celebrities are revealing their true selves on the television programme. When the last guy, the magician, shows his true supernatural power by saving the Earth, the other celebrities quickly change back to their usual fake forms.

Free bus ride for breasts tapping

A young hot girl was using a mobile phone that has a bus pass feature. Since her hands were full and that her phone was hanging near her breasts, she simply moved her breasts near the detector. The auntie who queued up behind the hot girl thought by putting her breasts on the detector, she would get a free bus ride.

(網易)「我已經貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」湖南長沙、株洲等 地的民眾，現正流行「嘟」手機付款坐巴士。近日一段短片在網上廣泛流傳，只見一名衣着 性感的年輕女子，將手機掛在胸口前，然後將胸部靠近巴士的嘟卡機付款。一名婦人見狀有 樣學樣，但將胸口怎麼貼近嘟卡機都沒有反應，車上隨即爆出一陣哄笑。這段長 47秒的短片，點擊率已超過 170萬。短片在一輛巴士上拍攝，一名穿低胸緊身衣的性感女子，上巴士時，因兩手均拿 着東西、而手機又掛在頸上，無手刷卡，於是將胸部靠近刷卡機，嘟一聲後便進入車廂。她 身後的一名婦人見狀，於是有樣學樣，也直接將胸前手機貼近嘟卡機，但連「撞」兩次都沒 有反應。巴士司機要求婦人嘟卡，但她不耐煩地回應：「我都貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去 ，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」司機解釋年輕女子用的是可「嘟」卡付款的手機，但是該名婦人不 依，還滿臉鄙夷地回答：「那是甚麼牌子的手機啦？聽都沒聽過，我用的還是『蘋果』手機 呢！」網民大讚該片段搞笑，但是也有網民質疑它的真實性，認為可能是廣告片。

Owe Me Ten Bucks - Jay Chou Qian Li Zhi Wai Spoof

Spoof of Jay Chou's Qian Li Zhi Wai

The Men In Titanic

The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.

So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.

To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.

To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.

To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.

To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.

Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:

"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."

Swine flu - health warning

Check out below the look of a human after he was infected by swine flu a long time ago in Chinese history.

How to do business with two cows - International Business skills

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu

The Chinese stays in Italy

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them. Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate.

"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back
at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

The cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Ah Pek, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Ah Pek, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"

Three-Character Classic - 三字經

The Three-Character Classic [三字經 Sanzi Jing] is a 700 year old classic which Chinese kids have been required to memorize even before they could read and write. It is a very compact "poem" that summarizes all of the basic tenets of Confucianism, serving a very similar function that a catechism has in a Catholic school. Confucianists, despite their tremendous influence on Chinese thought for over 2,000 years, have a reputation as being serious folks without the zest for life that Taoists have. But maybe that impression is incorrect. Maybe the text has been misinterpreted for 2,000 years. Here is a new, improved translation which traditionalists would not approve but it is arguably valid.


Chinese original

人之初
性本善
性相近
習相遠

苟不教
性乃遷
教之道
貴以專

昔孟母
擇鄰處
子不學
斷機杼

竇燕山
有義方
教五子
名俱揚

養不教
父之過
教不嚴
師之惰

子不學
非所宜
幼不學
老何為

玉不琢
不成器
人不學
不知義


Traditional Translation

People at birth,
are naturally good.
Their natures are similar;
their habits become different.

If, negligently, not taught,
their nature deteriorate.
The right way to teach,
is with absolute concentration.

Formerly, the mother of Mencius
chose a neighborhood.
When her child would not learn,
she broke the shuttle from the loom.

Dou Yanshan,
had the right method.
He taught five sons,
each of whom raised the family reputation.

To feed without teaching,
is the father's fault.
To teach without severity,
is the teacher's laziness.

If the child does not study,
it is improper.
If he does not study while young,
how will he act when old?

Jade that has not been polished
cannot be used.
Person that has not studied
cannot know righteousness.


New, Improved Translation

At the beginning of life.
sex is good.
Basically, all the sex are the same.
but it depends on the way you do it.

If you do not practice all the time.
sex will leave you.
The way of learning it
is very important to make love with only one person.

Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
chose her neighbor to avoid bad sex influence.
If you don't study hard,
your dick will become useless.

Dou, the Famous
owned a very effective and exciting medicine
All his five son took it
and their sexual abilities were well-known.

If your children don't know how to do it,
it is all your fault.
If they had lots of problems with it,
their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details of sex.

You may refuse to study this
but that is a real mistake
If you don't learn it in childhood,
you will lose your ability when old

If you don't exercise your dick,
it won't become hard and strong.
If you don't learn sex,
you cannot enjoy its sweetness.

兩封信~有夠絕

親愛的David:

經過我詳細的考慮, 我認為我還是離開你比較好. 我們一起己經七年了 , 七年來我自問盡力做一個好太太. 昨日我剛剛收到你公司的來電, 得知你己離職的消息. 老實說, 我對你的將來有一點擔憂.

上星期, 我去剪了一個新髮型, 煮了一些你愛吃的, 買了套新的睡衣. 你回到家 , 餐飯吃了兩分鐘你就去看電視 , 看完電視就去睡覺, 看都不看我一眼. 我多渴望你可以抱我一下, 說一聲你愛我, 即使是騙我也好 .

無論如何, 我走了, 保重

註: 請不要找我. 我己經搬去同偉文一齊住. 重新建立一個美好的生活.

你的前任太太 Tian


-----



親愛的Tian :

收到妳的分手信, 我感到無限傷心.

不錯妳我在一起己經七年. 只不過你是否是一個好太太, 我內心郤有疑問 .

我去看電視只是因為我不想聽妳嘮叨, 不過似乎作用不大.

當然我上星期我留意到你剪短了頭髮.

不過我見到第一個印象覺得妳好似一個男人 .

妳要知道我不是講假話, 又不想傷妳心. 所以我沒講甚麼.

妳煮那餐晚餐確是花了很多心思 , 不過不知你記不記得,

還是妳煮飯時當我是偉文,我己經不吃豬肉十幾年了. 可能你太大意了 , 妳那套睡衣上星期穿著時忘記除去價錢牌,上面寫著$4,999. 上星期偉文向我借了五千元, 我希望呢是一個巧合.

但無論如何, 我內心還是愛著妳的. 所以當我知道自己中了三億大樂透時 , 立即辭職買了兩張機票, 想著和妳去夏威夷渡假.

但當我回到家想跟妳說時,妳己經走了. 或者冥冥中總有主宰 , 妳我是無緣做夫妻.

今日我去律師事務所幫你問了如果離婚我要分多少錢給妳,

哪知律師看了妳寫給我的那封信 ,就說一分錢都不需要給.

那也好, 保重.

註 : 我不記得我是否有跟妳說過, 我這一生最好的朋友, 偉文 , 是一個變性人, 十年前原本是??個女人, 不過我希望呢對妳不會造成問題 .

妳的前任老公 .......David

狗熊,熊猫

狗对熊说：嫁给我吧,嫁给我你会幸福。
熊说：我才不嫁呢，嫁给你只会生狗熊，我要嫁给猫，生熊猫那才尊贵呢!

Duck and Crab Race

鸭子和螃蟹赛跑,一起到达终点，难分胜负，
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。

Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"

Frog Couple

兩只青蛙相爱了，结婚后生了一个蛤蟆，
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。

Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."

Chinese Sentence Completing

祝开心一笑

1、题目：一边……一边……

小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。

老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？


２、题目：其中

小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。

老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？


３、题目：陆陆续续

小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。

老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？


４、题目：难过

小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。

老师批语：老师更难过。


５、题目：又 又

小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。

老师批语；你的妈妈 是变形金钢吗？


６、题目：你看

小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊

老师批语：没看过


７、题目：欣欣向荣

小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。

老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！


８、题目：好吃

小朋友写：好吃个屁。

老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。


９、题目：天真

小朋友写：今天真热。

老师批语：你真天真。


10、题目：果然

小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。

老师批语：是词组，不能分开的。


11、题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。

小朋友写：先生，再见！

老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。


12、题目：况且

小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况

老师批语：我死了算了

学生是天才也

老师问学生: 人生自古谁无死... 你接下一句!

学生答: 人生自古谁无屎, 有谁大便不用纸!

老师很生气. 叫学生罚站.

隔年, 老师又问回同样的问题...

学生回答他答: 人生自古谁无 屎, 有谁大便不用纸.

若君不用卫生纸, 除非你是用手指.

老师很生气, 又叫学生罚站!

老师看见窗外下着雪, 就遗憾的说: 天上下雪不下雨, 雪到地上变成雨. 雪变雨来多麻烦, 为何当初不下雨...

学生又回复老师: 老师吃饭不吃屎, 饭到肚里变成屎. 饭变屎来多麻烦, 为何当初不吃屎...

老师当场晕倒!!!

Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

Confusing Chinese Names

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!