I have one crime story tell you......
There are 5 friends living in a room. Their name are: Crazy, Fool, Brain, Somebody and Nobody.
One day Somebody killed Nobody, and Brain was in bathroom. Crazy called police.
Crazy: Sir, Somebody killed Nobody.
Police: Don't you have Brain?
Crazy: Brain was in bathroom.
Police: Are you Crazy?
Crazy: Yes, I am.
Police: You really fool.
Crazy: No, sir Fool's reading.....
Can you see it?
Dec 31, 2008
Dec 30, 2008
Dying of AIDS
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor after an examination, sighed & said, "I have some bad news,you have cancer & you'd best put your affairs in order". The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself & walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, & we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer, let's head to the club & have a martini". After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs & more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends were aghast & gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over & whispered, " Momma, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, & you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS".
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone".
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends were aghast & gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over & whispered, " Momma, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, & you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS".
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone".
Dec 29, 2008
A calm & respectable lady went into the pharmacy & walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide".
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big, he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill you husband. That's against the law, I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen, absolutely not, you cannot have cyanide".
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION".
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big, he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill you husband. That's against the law, I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen, absolutely not, you cannot have cyanide".
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION".
Dec 28, 2008
Better Sex
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later]
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but *I* think your wife's a way better lay."
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later]
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but *I* think your wife's a way better lay."
Dec 27, 2008
It takes an Italian to make a woman feel like a woman
On a recent trans Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die", she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, reviled, at the desperate woman in front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark hair & hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle toward the woman, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves
He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest.
She grasps.....
He whispers: "Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die", she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, reviled, at the desperate woman in front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark hair & hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle toward the woman, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves
He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest.
She grasps.....
He whispers: "Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
Dec 26, 2008
Getting Hard
A young man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Dec 25, 2008
Matchstick
One day, a matchstick feels his head damn itchy so he scratch it furiously and suddenly *POOF*, his head burst into a flame! "Blah Blah Blah!!", he started cursing. He was then admitted to the hospital. So now, guess what he became when he was discharged the next day?
Cotton bud - Whole head bandaged
Cotton bud - Whole head bandaged
Dec 24, 2008
Christmas Eve Joke
3 men died on Christmas eve & were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates, "In honor of this holy season", Saint Peter said, "You must each posses something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".
The 1st man fumbles through his pockets & pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle.", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.
The 2nd man reached into his pocket & pulled out a set of keys. He shook them & said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The 3rd man started searching desperately through his pockets & finally pulled out women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow & asked, "And just what to do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols"
The 1st man fumbles through his pockets & pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle.", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.
The 2nd man reached into his pocket & pulled out a set of keys. He shook them & said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The 3rd man started searching desperately through his pockets & finally pulled out women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow & asked, "And just what to do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols"
Submarine Sinks
There's one hundred people weighing 100kg each in a submarine.
Why did the submarine sink?
Because submarines are meant to be submerged.
Why did the submarine sink?
Because submarines are meant to be submerged.
Dec 23, 2008
Ten Ants
An ant knocks the door of a HDB flat.
House owner opens the door. "I want a place to stay", said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner.
Ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this ant to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow that ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continued i.e ant brings in one more ant and owner agrees for it.
On one fine day, the ant brought in tenth ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth ant also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".
Now the question is Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth ant came in?
Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants)
House owner opens the door. "I want a place to stay", said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner.
Ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this ant to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow that ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continued i.e ant brings in one more ant and owner agrees for it.
On one fine day, the ant brought in tenth ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth ant also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".
Now the question is Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth ant came in?
Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants)
Dec 22, 2008
Perm Hair
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So, Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, ok!"
So, Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, ok!"
Dec 21, 2008
Dec 20, 2008
Dec 19, 2008
Latest Christmas Carol for 2008
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
Dec 18, 2008
Bear Hunter
A man was hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bears on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose, the bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible & so the man, who had never been particularly religious prayed, "God if you will make this bear a Christian, I will be happy with whatever you give me for the rest of my life". The bear was no more than 3 feet away when it stopped, looked up the sky and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partak, Amen".
Dec 17, 2008
Searching for a Husband
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
Dec 16, 2008
30 Years Younger Wife
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!
..the husband became 92 years old.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!
..the husband became 92 years old.
Dec 15, 2008
Bachelors
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner.
One friend asked, "It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?"
The friend replied, "Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!"
One friend asked, "It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?"
The friend replied, "Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!"
Dec 14, 2008
Comparative Study: Appraisal and Resignation
In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors & failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements & success.
In appraisal u may need to cry & beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation u can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying u didn't meet the expectation, u don't have leadership qualities, & u had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say u are the core member of team, u are the vision of the company how can u go, u have to take the project in shoulder & lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after u put the resignation.
So, if u want your appraisal, submit your resignation immediately.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements & success.
In appraisal u may need to cry & beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation u can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying u didn't meet the expectation, u don't have leadership qualities, & u had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say u are the core member of team, u are the vision of the company how can u go, u have to take the project in shoulder & lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after u put the resignation.
So, if u want your appraisal, submit your resignation immediately.
Dec 13, 2008
Future Family
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
Dec 12, 2008
The Idiot, Philosopher and Mathematician
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven
Dec 11, 2008
Getting Married
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighbourhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom, I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls... you're NOT his son!!"
With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom, I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls... you're NOT his son!!"
Dec 10, 2008
Smart Student
A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
Dec 9, 2008
New to His Post
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel, hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
Dec 8, 2008
Modern Love Letter and Reply
Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years...
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
Dec 7, 2008
Irresistible to women
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."
POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!
He turned into a box of chocolates.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."
POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!
He turned into a box of chocolates.
Dec 6, 2008
Impotency
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. You want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. You want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Dec 5, 2008
Snail wins Bee
蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶，蝴蝶却嫁给了蜗牛。
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
Dec 4, 2008
Dec 3, 2008
Duck and Crab Race
鸭子和螃蟹赛跑,一起到达终点，难分胜负，
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
Dec 2, 2008
Frog Couple
兩只青蛙相爱了，结婚后生了一个蛤蟆，
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
Dec 1, 2008
Man and his Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
Nov 30, 2008
Nov 29, 2008
Sorry, I can't respond to emails today
Sorry, I can't respond to emails today. Something has crashed on my computer, and the mouse is missing.
Nov 28, 2008
Henry Ford Dies, Goes to Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Nov 27, 2008
Nov 26, 2008
Mechanic and Doctor
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ..... What did he say ???
Guess .....
He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ..... What did he say ???
Guess .....
He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".
Nov 25, 2008
Different Skin
Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white???
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!
Nov 24, 2008
Marriage Certificate
Wife: Honey, what are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing
Wife: Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date!!!
Husband: Nothing
Wife: Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date!!!
Nov 23, 2008
Hot and Burnt
A white couple had a black baby......
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt!!!!!
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt!!!!!
Nov 22, 2008
Disgrace His Family
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date, her mother warned her......
'First, he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name.'
Next day, girl told Mom, 'Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family.'
'First, he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name.'
Next day, girl told Mom, 'Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family.'
Nov 21, 2008
Can't Drive It
70 years old man asks his wife, 'Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?'
Wife replied 'No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it'
Wife replied 'No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it'
Nov 20, 2008
Ah Lek's Composition
This is hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric,which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he runaway.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to comeback 4 work. ! He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he runaway.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to comeback 4 work. ! He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Nov 19, 2008
Small Penis
"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied...
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied...
Nov 18, 2008
Chinese Sentence Completing
祝开心一笑
1、题目：一边……一边……
小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。
老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？
２、题目：其中
小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。
老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？
３、题目：陆陆续续
小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。
老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？
４、题目：难过
小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。
老师批语：老师更难过。
５、题目：又 又
小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。
老师批语；你的妈妈 是变形金钢吗？
６、题目：你看
小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊
老师批语：没看过
７、题目：欣欣向荣
小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。
老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！
８、题目：好吃
小朋友写：好吃个屁。
老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。
９、题目：天真
小朋友写：今天真热。
老师批语：你真天真。
10、题目：果然
小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。
老师批语：是词组，不能分开的。
11、题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。
小朋友写：先生，再见！
老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。
12、题目：况且
小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况
老师批语：我死了算了
1、题目：一边……一边……
小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。
老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？
２、题目：其中
小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。
老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？
３、题目：陆陆续续
小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。
老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？
４、题目：难过
小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。
老师批语：老师更难过。
５、题目：又 又
小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。
老师批语；你的妈妈 是变形金钢吗？
６、题目：你看
小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊
老师批语：没看过
７、题目：欣欣向荣
小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。
老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！
８、题目：好吃
小朋友写：好吃个屁。
老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。
９、题目：天真
小朋友写：今天真热。
老师批语：你真天真。
10、题目：果然
小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。
老师批语：是词组，不能分开的。
11、题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。
小朋友写：先生，再见！
老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。
12、题目：况且
小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况
老师批语：我死了算了
Nov 17, 2008
Nov 16, 2008
Diet
Woman: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet. (dye it)
Woman: Really? What color?
Doctor: You should diet. (dye it)
Woman: Really? What color?
Nov 15, 2008
Cake for Wife's Birthday
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. He goes to order a birthday cake. The baker asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
He thinks for a while and says: "Let's put, you are not getting older, you are getting better".
The baker asks: "How do you want to put it?"
Man replies: "Well, put' YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER at the top, and YOU ARE GETTING BETTER, at the bottom".
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened, the guests read the message on the cake.
YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM
He thinks for a while and says: "Let's put, you are not getting older, you are getting better".
The baker asks: "How do you want to put it?"
Man replies: "Well, put' YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER at the top, and YOU ARE GETTING BETTER, at the bottom".
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened, the guests read the message on the cake.
YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM
Nov 14, 2008
Empty the Bath Tub
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology dept. "How do you determine if a patient is cured?"
The Psychologist explains: "We take them to the bath tub which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bath tub."
"I see", says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger and would empty the tub faster?"
"Actually, no." replies the Psychologist, "A normal person would simply pull the plug."
The Psychologist explains: "We take them to the bath tub which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bath tub."
"I see", says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger and would empty the tub faster?"
"Actually, no." replies the Psychologist, "A normal person would simply pull the plug."
Nov 13, 2008
The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign ! on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord
The second floor sign reads
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign re! ads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 5,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign ! on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord
The second floor sign reads
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign re! ads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 5,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Nov 12, 2008
Cool meanings
CIGARETTE - a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
MARRIAGE - it's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
DIVORCE - future tense of marriage
CONFERENCE - the confusion of one man multiplied by the number of present.
TEARS - the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.
CONFERENCE ROOM - a place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
ECSTACY - a feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
YAWN - the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
EXPERIENCE - the name men given to their mistakes.
CRIMINAL - a guy no different from the rest. Except that he got caught.
FATHER - a banker provided by nature.
BOSS - someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
POLITICIAN - one who shakes you hand before elections and your confidence after.
DOCTOR - a person who kills your ill by pills, and kills you with his bills.
TEACHERS - are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
MARRIAGE - it's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
DIVORCE - future tense of marriage
CONFERENCE - the confusion of one man multiplied by the number of present.
TEARS - the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.
CONFERENCE ROOM - a place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
ECSTACY - a feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
YAWN - the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
EXPERIENCE - the name men given to their mistakes.
CRIMINAL - a guy no different from the rest. Except that he got caught.
FATHER - a banker provided by nature.
BOSS - someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
POLITICIAN - one who shakes you hand before elections and your confidence after.
DOCTOR - a person who kills your ill by pills, and kills you with his bills.
TEACHERS - are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
Nov 11, 2008
Commercials
For toothpaste commercials they show teeth.
For shampoo, they show hair.
But, for feminine wash, why they're not showing it?
IT'S UNFAIR!!!!!
For shampoo, they show hair.
But, for feminine wash, why they're not showing it?
IT'S UNFAIR!!!!!
Nov 10, 2008
Be Strong Honey, I Love You
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Nov 9, 2008
Wild Son
An old man was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair with colors green,red,orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him that irritated the boy.
Teenager: Never done anything wild in your life?
Old man: Got drunk once & had sex with peacock, I'm wondering if you're my son.
Teenager: Never done anything wild in your life?
Old man: Got drunk once & had sex with peacock, I'm wondering if you're my son.
Nov 8, 2008
Before and After Marriage
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
He: YES!! At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!!! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes!
She: Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE - Simply read from bottom to top.
He: YES!! At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!!! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes!
She: Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE - Simply read from bottom to top.
Nov 7, 2008
Good Husband
A good husband was asked: Do u sleep with other women?
He replied: I sleep with my wife, with other women, I'm awake all the time.
He replied: I sleep with my wife, with other women, I'm awake all the time.
Nov 6, 2008
Four Catholic Women
Four Catholic women were having coffee.
The first catholic woman tell her friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him "FATHER".
The 2nd catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people call him "YOUR GRACE".
The 3rd catholic woman says, "My son is a cardinal, when he enters a room, people call him "YOUR EMINENCE".
The 4th catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first 3 women give her the subtle, "well...?".
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6 ft and 2 inches in height, hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "OH, MY GOD!!!!!".
The first catholic woman tell her friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him "FATHER".
The 2nd catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people call him "YOUR GRACE".
The 3rd catholic woman says, "My son is a cardinal, when he enters a room, people call him "YOUR EMINENCE".
The 4th catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first 3 women give her the subtle, "well...?".
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6 ft and 2 inches in height, hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "OH, MY GOD!!!!!".
Nov 5, 2008
Two Doctors after Sex
male doctor: Are you a Surgeon?
female doctor: How did you know?
male doctor: Because you washed your hands after sex.
female doctor: Are you an Anesthesiologist?
male doctor: How did you know?
female doctor: I felt nothing.
female doctor: How did you know?
male doctor: Because you washed your hands after sex.
female doctor: Are you an Anesthesiologist?
male doctor: How did you know?
female doctor: I felt nothing.
Nov 4, 2008
One or More
Little girl: Mom, what's a penis?
Mom: Be a good girl, when you grow up, you'll get one.
Little girl: What if I'm bad?
Mom: You'll get plenty!!!
Mom: Be a good girl, when you grow up, you'll get one.
Little girl: What if I'm bad?
Mom: You'll get plenty!!!
Nov 3, 2008
American and Iraqi Soldiers
A squad of marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American marine in a similar but less serious state…
The marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened. The marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier.”
“What happened then?” The corpsman asked.
“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and he yelled back, “Bush, Cheney and Rumsfield are miserable pieces of shit.”
We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.
The marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened. The marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier.”
“What happened then?” The corpsman asked.
“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and he yelled back, “Bush, Cheney and Rumsfield are miserable pieces of shit.”
We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.
Nov 2, 2008
Good Father
Man died. At the funeral, priest spoke of deceased's good traits: honest, understanding, loving husband and kind father.
Widow whispered to son, "Go and look in the coffin, check if it's your dad."
Widow whispered to son, "Go and look in the coffin, check if it's your dad."
Nov 1, 2008
Clean the Dishes
A maid fired..
Before leaving, she gave $100 to the family dog. When asked why, she said:
"I don't forget a friend. He helped me clean the dishes everyday."
Before leaving, she gave $100 to the family dog. When asked why, she said:
"I don't forget a friend. He helped me clean the dishes everyday."
Oct 31, 2008
Best Mother-in-law Joke
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
Oct 30, 2008
You Got Male
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male (mail) !
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male (mail) !
Oct 29, 2008
Bee joke
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered,
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered,
Oct 28, 2008
I'm loving it
In Memory of all those who love their bosses !
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
He replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
He replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."
Oct 27, 2008
学生是天才也
老师问学生: 人生自古谁无死... 你接下一句!
学生答: 人生自古谁无屎, 有谁大便不用纸!
老师很生气. 叫学生罚站.
隔年, 老师又问回同样的问题...
学生回答他答: 人生自古谁无 屎, 有谁大便不用纸.
若君不用卫生纸, 除非你是用手指.
老师很生气, 又叫学生罚站!
老师看见窗外下着雪, 就遗憾的说: 天上下雪不下雨, 雪到地上变成雨. 雪变雨来多麻烦, 为何当初不下雨...
学生又回复老师: 老师吃饭不吃屎, 饭到肚里变成屎. 饭变屎来多麻烦, 为何当初不吃屎...
老师当场晕倒!!!
学生答: 人生自古谁无屎, 有谁大便不用纸!
老师很生气. 叫学生罚站.
隔年, 老师又问回同样的问题...
学生回答他答: 人生自古谁无 屎, 有谁大便不用纸.
若君不用卫生纸, 除非你是用手指.
老师很生气, 又叫学生罚站!
老师看见窗外下着雪, 就遗憾的说: 天上下雪不下雨, 雪到地上变成雨. 雪变雨来多麻烦, 为何当初不下雨...
学生又回复老师: 老师吃饭不吃屎, 饭到肚里变成屎. 饭变屎来多麻烦, 为何当初不吃屎...
老师当场晕倒!!!
Oct 26, 2008
The Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the "after-life" with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than Men*
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the "after-life" with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than Men*
Oct 25, 2008
No Speakah De English
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig' she retorted indignantly,
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives'.
'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig' she retorted indignantly,
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives'.
'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'
Oct 24, 2008
Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names
Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)
Oct 23, 2008
Confusing Chinese Names
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
Oct 22, 2008
Apartment Rent
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady
Oct 21, 2008
Hired Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the GAY guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o 'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around
Two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the GAY guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o 'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around
Two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Oct 20, 2008
Philosophy Gone Wrong - The Grasshopper and the Ant
Once upon a time, there lived an ant and a grasshopper. The grasshopper does nothing else but jump around and play. On the other hand, the ant is so hardworking, looking for food all day long and storing them in it's nest.
Looking at his hardworking friend work so hard, the grasshopper asked, "Hey, Ant! You don't have to relax ah? Always busy one. Come and play with me lah."
To which the ant replied, "I can't lah, I have to store all these food."
"Haiyah! Relax lah. Why u bother storing all these food? When u hungry just go find lah." the grasshopper replied.
"Eh,cannot lah. I have to standby for the coming winter season. Then I no need to panick mah. I think u oso better standby u know," the ant advised his friend.
"Where got time...I go play better. U wanna store food u go ahead lah. I will look for someone else to play with me ok.. bye!" And hop goes the grasshopper.
The Ant is a hardworking guy... oops i mean insect. Not like the grasshopper. But as days, weeks, months go by, the winter still has not come yet and the ant is still seen searching and storing food.
The two friends happen to meet again. "Hey Ant! U stil haven't finished storing food ah? Last time all the food go where liao? So fast finish already ah?" asked grasshopper.
"I got keep but all overdue liao. So cannot eat anymore. All because winter not here yet. Now i have to go and look for new food." sighed the ant.
"But ant ah.. U dun mind i ask ah.. Did u ever have a thought that Singapore where got winter one?" asked the grasshopper again.
"AHHHH????!!!!!" the ant was shocked!
Moral of the Story:
The moral of the story is whatever u do better think properly first. Dun anyhow hantam only... :) Sometimes we get too busy in life and following our routine too tightly but most importantly, work towards where you wanna go in your life, what is it that you want, is that what you REALLY want, what's your dream, are you moving towards your dream? If it's not, dun just keep on working hard n keep on hantaming only just because someone in your life tells you that this is the way and just
because everyone else is doing it !!
Don't just keep on working hard with no direction ....... focus in the direction of your life not your work.
Plan your life, Live life cool. :P
Looking at his hardworking friend work so hard, the grasshopper asked, "Hey, Ant! You don't have to relax ah? Always busy one. Come and play with me lah."
To which the ant replied, "I can't lah, I have to store all these food."
"Haiyah! Relax lah. Why u bother storing all these food? When u hungry just go find lah." the grasshopper replied.
"Eh,cannot lah. I have to standby for the coming winter season. Then I no need to panick mah. I think u oso better standby u know," the ant advised his friend.
"Where got time...I go play better. U wanna store food u go ahead lah. I will look for someone else to play with me ok.. bye!" And hop goes the grasshopper.
The Ant is a hardworking guy... oops i mean insect. Not like the grasshopper. But as days, weeks, months go by, the winter still has not come yet and the ant is still seen searching and storing food.
The two friends happen to meet again. "Hey Ant! U stil haven't finished storing food ah? Last time all the food go where liao? So fast finish already ah?" asked grasshopper.
"I got keep but all overdue liao. So cannot eat anymore. All because winter not here yet. Now i have to go and look for new food." sighed the ant.
"But ant ah.. U dun mind i ask ah.. Did u ever have a thought that Singapore where got winter one?" asked the grasshopper again.
"AHHHH????!!!!!" the ant was shocked!
Moral of the Story:
The moral of the story is whatever u do better think properly first. Dun anyhow hantam only... :) Sometimes we get too busy in life and following our routine too tightly but most importantly, work towards where you wanna go in your life, what is it that you want, is that what you REALLY want, what's your dream, are you moving towards your dream? If it's not, dun just keep on working hard n keep on hantaming only just because someone in your life tells you that this is the way and just
because everyone else is doing it !!
Don't just keep on working hard with no direction ....... focus in the direction of your life not your work.
Plan your life, Live life cool. :P
Oct 19, 2008
Jim and Mary Story
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I've good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
Morale of the Story - What you see in a person may not necessary be in that person. Never judge a person just by one correct deed. You may be into big trouble.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I've good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
Morale of the Story - What you see in a person may not necessary be in that person. Never judge a person just by one correct deed. You may be into big trouble.
Oct 18, 2008
Funny Phrases
Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect...... So why practice?
Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. - They are so tasty.
Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !
"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, - three's the result!
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........
Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. - They are so tasty.
Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !
"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, - three's the result!
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........
Oct 17, 2008
Don't be over smart
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the Side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise; the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The person sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him; he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfathers words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said........................
Guess What????????
................................................
.........................................
..................................
.............................
.......................
...................
.................
........
......
'You think only you have a grandfather?!!!'
He looked up and to his surprise; the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The person sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him; he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfathers words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said........................
Guess What????????
................................................
.........................................
..................................
.............................
.......................
...................
.................
........
......
'You think only you have a grandfather?!!!'
Oct 16, 2008
Believe
An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water.
“Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
“As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back.
The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water.
“Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
“As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back.
The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive
Oct 15, 2008
Drunk wife
A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times.
Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.
The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."
Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.
The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."
Oct 14, 2008
Bra size
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
Oct 13, 2008
Business & Marketing Logics
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!' That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.' That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.' That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich 'Will you marry me?' That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich, I want to marry you.' That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!' That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.' That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.' That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich 'Will you marry me?' That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich, I want to marry you.' That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
