Psychiatrist and prostitute

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a prostitute?

About $20.

Push-up bra fuse box

A psychiatrist interviews a patient recovering from a head injury. When asked if the patient had any long-term side effects, he answered, "I'm fine. I used to use the wrong words in a sentence on occasion, but now I'm push-up bra fuse box Hubert Humphrey."

Multiple personality patient

A psychiatrist asked her multiple personality patient, "So, do you feel like you're cured."

He replied, "Absolutely. We've never felt better."

I can't make any friends

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and complains, "I can't make any friends, doctor."

He replies, "Why do you think that is?"

She answered, "I don't know, you stupid, fat, ugly idiot."

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.

Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.'

Doctor's Last Word

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.

'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'

'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude.But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.'

'Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand....'

'Did he hold your hand like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'

'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'

'Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'

'It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side'

'Then he kissed me...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'

'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. It means he adores you.'

'Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor... exactly like that'

'It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.'..

'Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... '

'Did you resist?'

'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...'

'Did he take off your clothes like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......'

'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.'

'Then he kissed me and put his **** inside me and had **x with me...'

'Did he do it just like what we do?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same..'

'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.'

'But then he told me that he has AIDS'

All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming, BASTAAAAARRD!!! #$@?%%^?@!#$#!!! @#$@%!&*^%?