Dirty poem: Sky is blue

The sky is blue,
grass is green,
harder the f*ck
the louder the scream,
louder the scream the better the f*ck,
give me a ring u might be in luck.

A girl is like a radio

Girl: I'm like a radio, my mouth speaker, my left breast tuner, right one volume.

Man: Can I try?

(touches d breats)-no sound.

Girl: You haven't plugged in yet!

Take a picture

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, then I can always look at them.

Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

Dirty poem

Nipple Nipple don't be far,
can I press u in my car.
Up above the chest so high,
always milky never dry.
Let me suck you, don't feel shy.

CAR hybrid with human urine

The real, doggy style

Which part of your body goes first to heaven?

The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her.

Anger management really does work

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

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When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

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One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

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Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up..

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now..'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

A local law enforcement officer

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling.

I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.

So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream.

Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD.

So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)

Best wishes

Three men came across a female genie, who promised to grant each one a wish. “Make me 25 percent smarter!” said the first man. The genie blinked, and the man said, “Hey, I feel smarter already!” The second man said, “I wish I were 50 percent smarter!” The genie blinked, and the man exclaimed, “That’s wonderful!

I think I know things now that I didn’t know before!” “I’d like to be 100-percent smarter!” screamed the third man.

The genie blinked, and the man became a woman.

Holy potty-mouth

A crusty old man walks into a local church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?” “Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!” “I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won P36 million in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

WIPEOUT

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “Use more soap on panties!”

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “Use more soap on panties!” The laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I use plenty soap on panties!!! Use more paper on ass!!!”

Bill & Marla

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

How to do business with two cows - International Business skills

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu

Idiots go to heaven

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."

And the idiot went to Heaven.

Japanese Prime Minister English skills

As stated in email - This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.

Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.... .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

The Chinese stays in Italy

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them. Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate.

"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back
at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

The cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Ah Pek, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Ah Pek, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"

Grandma's clothes

1st night grandma wore a see-through dress, grandpa didn't react...

2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...

3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said 'what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!'

Go to hell

WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.

HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early.

Mp3 player and farting

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized ... . . . . that you have your MP3 player on your ears !

Past tense of birds fly

Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?

One of the kids is yours

Wife: ' Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all
our five kids wth him.'

Radio Host: ' Ok, go ahead!'

Wife: ' Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of
them is yours.'

Applicant jokes

Prospective Employer to Applicant: 'So why did you leave your previous job?'

Applicant: 'The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'

Cooking vs Driving

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL!

Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK!

Careful...... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them.

Use the salt. USE THE SALT!

T H E S A L T!"


The wife stared at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"


The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I am driving with you in the car."

Mow the Lawn

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Heart attack

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband.

"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'

'Didn't feel a thing.'

How thing changes

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."

What to do during honeymoon

Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.

MOM: Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thing.

SON: Got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

He's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Reading not fishing

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'). 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Three-Character Classic - 三字經

The Three-Character Classic [三字經 Sanzi Jing] is a 700 year old classic which Chinese kids have been required to memorize even before they could read and write. It is a very compact "poem" that summarizes all of the basic tenets of Confucianism, serving a very similar function that a catechism has in a Catholic school. Confucianists, despite their tremendous influence on Chinese thought for over 2,000 years, have a reputation as being serious folks without the zest for life that Taoists have. But maybe that impression is incorrect. Maybe the text has been misinterpreted for 2,000 years. Here is a new, improved translation which traditionalists would not approve but it is arguably valid.


Chinese original

人之初
性本善
性相近
習相遠

苟不教
性乃遷
教之道
貴以專

昔孟母
擇鄰處
子不學
斷機杼

竇燕山
有義方
教五子
名俱揚

養不教
父之過
教不嚴
師之惰

子不學
非所宜
幼不學
老何為

玉不琢
不成器
人不學
不知義


Traditional Translation

People at birth,
are naturally good.
Their natures are similar;
their habits become different.

If, negligently, not taught,
their nature deteriorate.
The right way to teach,
is with absolute concentration.

Formerly, the mother of Mencius
chose a neighborhood.
When her child would not learn,
she broke the shuttle from the loom.

Dou Yanshan,
had the right method.
He taught five sons,
each of whom raised the family reputation.

To feed without teaching,
is the father's fault.
To teach without severity,
is the teacher's laziness.

If the child does not study,
it is improper.
If he does not study while young,
how will he act when old?

Jade that has not been polished
cannot be used.
Person that has not studied
cannot know righteousness.


New, Improved Translation

At the beginning of life.
sex is good.
Basically, all the sex are the same.
but it depends on the way you do it.

If you do not practice all the time.
sex will leave you.
The way of learning it
is very important to make love with only one person.

Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
chose her neighbor to avoid bad sex influence.
If you don't study hard,
your dick will become useless.

Dou, the Famous
owned a very effective and exciting medicine
All his five son took it
and their sexual abilities were well-known.

If your children don't know how to do it,
it is all your fault.
If they had lots of problems with it,
their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details of sex.

You may refuse to study this
but that is a real mistake
If you don't learn it in childhood,
you will lose your ability when old

If you don't exercise your dick,
it won't become hard and strong.
If you don't learn sex,
you cannot enjoy its sweetness.