A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
Oct 30, 2009
Oct 29, 2009
The One-Day Delicacy
A Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."
Oct 28, 2009
Oct 27, 2009
The solution
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Oct 26, 2009
The Customer
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.
At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor.
“How much do you want for that whistle?”
At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor.
“How much do you want for that whistle?”
Oct 25, 2009
The P. S. (Post Script)
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.
Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.
Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
Oct 24, 2009
The Man, The Chicken And The Officer
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!!"
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!!"
Oct 23, 2009
The Skeleton In The Closet
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Oct 22, 2009
Magic Tricks
Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Oct 21, 2009
Wet Cat
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
Oct 20, 2009
Little Red Riding Hood
Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood, "Lift your top so i can suck your tits."
"no, she said." while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!"
"no, she said." while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!"
Oct 19, 2009
Playing Spades
Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Oct 18, 2009
Melt the condoms
If u have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms to make a tire what would you call it?
a fucking goodyear!
a fucking goodyear!
Oct 17, 2009
Save a smile
The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%.
Suck a dick and save a smile...
Suck a dick and save a smile...
Oct 15, 2009
My Donation
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to forget about it!!
Anybody who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!!
I told them to forget about it!!
Anybody who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!!
Oct 14, 2009
Oct 13, 2009
The Sex Partner
A Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies,
"If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies,
"If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Oct 12, 2009
The Last Virgin Blonde
A Blonde church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know 'I haven't had the flu all winter?
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know 'I haven't had the flu all winter?
Oct 11, 2009
Simple Explanation
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company.
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
Oct 10, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: AM and PM
A man asked Ah Beng why Najib goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Najib is PM not AM
Oct 9, 2009
The Scotsman's Kilt
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.
Oct 8, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Water the Plants
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Oct 7, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Future Tense
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Oct 6, 2009
To All My Female Friends & Their Men
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).
The judge told him, 'In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.'
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'
The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'
So ladies try to move a little during the game even if you're just faking it... as we all do... lol ha ha ha ... now we're busted...
The judge told him, 'In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.'
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'
The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'
So ladies try to move a little during the game even if you're just faking it... as we all do... lol ha ha ha ... now we're busted...
Oct 5, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Only the Winner
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Oct 4, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Weather Forecast
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
Oct 3, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: How do you know?
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
Oct 2, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: School
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
Oct 1, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Parking Fine
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."
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