Collective unconscious

How can anybody possibly believe in the collective unconscious?

It's easy - if you're Jung at heart.

Why did the movie theater employee have to enter therapy?

Why did the movie theater employee have to enter therapy for blaming others for his problems?

He's a projectionist.

Bush Health Plan

A congressional committee has passed the first version of the Bush Health Plan, including a special prevision for pathological sexual addiction. The bill is sponsored by Senator Ted Kennedy, and it encourages mental and physical well being through extensive cardio-vascular exercise -- without pants.

What does a codependent order for lunch?

What does a codependent order for lunch?

I don't know. What do you think I should say?

How did Sigmund's wife get him turned on?

How did Sigmund's wife get him turned on?

She'd show up wearing only her Freudian slip.

Neurotic and squirrel

What does a neurotic have in common with a near-sighted, horny squirrel?

They're both @#$%ing nuts!

Pathological narcissist

To define Pathological Narcissist, see Madonna. She recently opened her new restaurant down in Miami. It didn't take long for the health inspector to get involved when they found an infestation of disgusting bacteria and assorted vermin throughout the place. Turns out it was just Madonna inviting her old boyfriends to the grand opening.

Manic-depressive

Why did the manic-depressive cross the road?

Who cares?

What does any of it matter?

I can't make any friends

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and complains, "I can't make any friends, doctor."

He replies, "Why do you think that is?"

She answered, "I don't know, you stupid, fat, ugly idiot."

New answering system at the clinic

They just installed a new answering system at the clinic. It asks anyone suffering from obsessive/compulsive disorder to press one repeatedly. If he or she is paranoid, press two but don't look behind you. If you have multiple personalities, have your alter ego, Mr. Pretzels, press three, four and five. And, if you have a self-esteem problem, don't waste our time.

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'