What does a dyslexic devil worshiper do on weekends?
He worships Santa.
May 27, 2010
May 25, 2010
May 23, 2010
Barbra Streisand's ego
Hundreds of Barbra Streisand's possessions will be sold at an auction in Los Angeles. Amongst all these items there is one rumored to be so big, so spectacularly grand, so priceless that no dollar amount could possibly be placed on it. Fortunately, her ego's not for sale.
May 21, 2010
Fill in the blank
Fill in the blanks.
1. B O O _ S
2. _ _ N D O M
3. F _ _ K
4. P _ N _ S
5. P U _ S _
Have you done this?
Good.
Now check your answers.
The correct answers are:
1. B O O K S
2. R A N D O M
3. F O R K
4. P A N T S
5. P U L S E
Dirty mind!
1. B O O _ S
2. _ _ N D O M
3. F _ _ K
4. P _ N _ S
5. P U _ S _
Have you done this?
Good.
Now check your answers.
The correct answers are:
1. B O O K S
2. R A N D O M
3. F O R K
4. P A N T S
5. P U L S E
Dirty mind!
May 20, 2010
Shit jokes
A clinical hypnotherapist induced a trance to a large group of volunteers and ordered them to do whatever he said immediately upon command. Unfortunately, he tripped over his own couch and yelled, "Shit!"
May 19, 2010
Today's thought about Woman
Women are basically greedy. They want all things from one man.
While men are so simple that they want only one thing from all women.
We are all in line 2
While men are so simple that they want only one thing from all women.
We are all in line 2
May 17, 2010
Do you smoke after sex?
A doctor asked his patient trying to quit smoking, "Do you smoke after sex?"
She responded, "I don't know. I never looked."
She responded, "I don't know. I never looked."
May 15, 2010
Humour - 2 priests on vacation
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
May 12, 2010
Oral for an extra $20
An ugly guy walks into a bar and asks the best-looking woman if he can buy her a drink. She shouts, "No, I won't sleep with you, you disgusting pig."
A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she's a psych student researching humiliation.
He shouts back, "What do you mean you'll do for oral for an extra $20?"
A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she's a psych student researching humiliation.
He shouts back, "What do you mean you'll do for oral for an extra $20?"
May 10, 2010
How does someone with chronic memory loss shop for groceries?
How does someone with chronic memory loss shop for groceries?
What? Hmm? Sorry?
What? Hmm? Sorry?
May 9, 2010
Office Sign
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it ok, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Assholes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally decided on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it ok, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Assholes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally decided on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
May 7, 2010
What happens if all the big companies start selling condoms?
What happens if all the big companies start selling condoms?
DENTONIC CONDOM
Twice a day esprecially before going to bed.
NOKIA COMDOM
Connecting people.
PEPSODENT CONDOM
Whole night fights with germs
LUX CONDOM
Be more filmy be more celebrity outlook.
DENTONIC CONDOM
Twice a day esprecially before going to bed.
NOKIA COMDOM
Connecting people.
PEPSODENT CONDOM
Whole night fights with germs
LUX CONDOM
Be more filmy be more celebrity outlook.
May 6, 2010
A Man & his Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress..
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly after the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table....
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp... When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress..
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly after the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table....
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp... When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
May 1, 2010
Multiple personality patient
A psychiatrist asked her multiple personality patient, "So, do you feel like you're cured."
He replied, "Absolutely. We've never felt better."
He replied, "Absolutely. We've never felt better."
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