A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
Dec 10, 2008
Dec 9, 2008
New to His Post
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel, hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
Dec 8, 2008
Modern Love Letter and Reply
Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years...
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
Dec 7, 2008
Irresistible to women
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."
POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!
He turned into a box of chocolates.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."
POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!
He turned into a box of chocolates.
Dec 6, 2008
Impotency
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. You want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. You want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Dec 5, 2008
Snail wins Bee
蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶，蝴蝶却嫁给了蜗牛。
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
Dec 4, 2008
Dec 3, 2008
Duck and Crab Race
鸭子和螃蟹赛跑,一起到达终点，难分胜负，
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
Dec 2, 2008
Frog Couple
兩只青蛙相爱了，结婚后生了一个蛤蟆，
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
Dec 1, 2008
Man and his Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
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