Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Jul 19, 2009
Jul 18, 2009
How to do business with two cows - International Business skills
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them and hope to have more cows.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk.
They go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. The two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu
Jul 17, 2009
Idiots go to heaven
Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."
And the idiot went to Heaven.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."
And the idiot went to Heaven.
Jul 16, 2009
Japanese Prime Minister English skills
As stated in email - This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.... .'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.... .'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
Jul 15, 2009
The Chinese stays in Italy
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.
If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.
The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them. Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back
at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."
The cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Ah Pek, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Ah Pek, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.
If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.
The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them. Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked back
at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."
The cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Ah Pek, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Ah Pek, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"
Jul 14, 2009
Grandma's clothes
1st night grandma wore a see-through dress, grandpa didn't react...
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said 'what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!'
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said 'what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!'
Jul 13, 2009
Go to hell
WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early.
Jul 12, 2009
Mp3 player and farting
You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized ... . . . . that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
Jul 11, 2009
Past tense of birds fly
Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
Jul 10, 2009
One of the kids is yours
Wife: ' Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all
our five kids wth him.'
Radio Host: ' Ok, go ahead!'
Wife: ' Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of
them is yours.'
our five kids wth him.'
Radio Host: ' Ok, go ahead!'
Wife: ' Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of
them is yours.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
