Before and After

The advantage of photoshop...

Sorry, I can't respond to emails today

Sorry, I can't respond to emails today. Something has crashed on my computer, and the mouse is missing.

Henry Ford Dies, Goes to Heaven

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Thief Found!

Mechanic and Doctor

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ..... What did he say ???

Guess .....











He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".

Different Skin

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white???

Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!

Marriage Certificate

Wife: Honey, what are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing
Wife: Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date!!!

Hot and Burnt

A white couple had a black baby......
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.

Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt!!!!!

Disgrace His Family

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date, her mother warned her......

'First, he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name.'

Next day, girl told Mom, 'Everything happen exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family.'

Can't Drive It

70 years old man asks his wife, 'Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?'

Wife replied 'No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it'

Ah Lek's Composition

This is hilarious... ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric,which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he runaway.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to comeback 4 work. ! He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Small Penis

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...

Chinese Sentence Completing

祝开心一笑

1、题目：一边……一边……

小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。

老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？


２、题目：其中

小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。

老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？


３、题目：陆陆续续

小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。

老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？


４、题目：难过

小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。

老师批语：老师更难过。


５、题目：又 又

小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。

老师批语；你的妈妈 是变形金钢吗？


６、题目：你看

小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊

老师批语：没看过


７、题目：欣欣向荣

小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。

老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！


８、题目：好吃

小朋友写：好吃个屁。

老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。


９、题目：天真

小朋友写：今天真热。

老师批语：你真天真。


10、题目：果然

小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。

老师批语：是词组，不能分开的。


11、题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。

小朋友写：先生，再见！

老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。


12、题目：况且

小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况

老师批语：我死了算了

Sky ERP

ERP - Electronic Road Pricing

And soon, airplanes need to pay for travelling in the air

Diet

Woman: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet. (dye it)

Woman: Really? What color?

Potential problem with Obama presidency

Cake for Wife's Birthday

A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. He goes to order a birthday cake. The baker asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

He thinks for a while and says: "Let's put, you are not getting older, you are getting better".

The baker asks: "How do you want to put it?"

Man replies: "Well, put' YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER at the top, and YOU ARE GETTING BETTER, at the bottom".

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened, the guests read the message on the cake.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM

Empty the Bath Tub

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology dept. "How do you determine if a patient is cured?"

The Psychologist explains: "We take them to the bath tub which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bath tub."

"I see", says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger and would empty the tub faster?"

"Actually, no." replies the Psychologist, "A normal person would simply pull the plug."

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign ! on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord

The second floor sign reads
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign re! ads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 5,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Cool meanings

CIGARETTE - a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

MARRIAGE - it's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

DIVORCE - future tense of marriage

CONFERENCE - the confusion of one man multiplied by the number of present.

TEARS - the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

CONFERENCE ROOM - a place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.

ECSTACY - a feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

YAWN - the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

EXPERIENCE - the name men given to their mistakes.

CRIMINAL - a guy no different from the rest. Except that he got caught.

FATHER - a banker provided by nature.

BOSS - someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN - one who shakes you hand before elections and your confidence after.

DOCTOR - a person who kills your ill by pills, and kills you with his bills.

TEACHERS - are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.

Commercials

For toothpaste commercials they show teeth.

For shampoo, they show hair.

But, for feminine wash, why they're not showing it?

IT'S UNFAIR!!!!!

Be Strong Honey, I Love You

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Wild Son

An old man was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair with colors green,red,orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him that irritated the boy.

Teenager: Never done anything wild in your life?

Old man: Got drunk once & had sex with peacock, I'm wondering if you're my son.

Before and After Marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

He: YES!! At last, it was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!!! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes!

She: Darling!


AFTER MARRIAGE - Simply read from bottom to top.

Good Husband

A good husband was asked: Do u sleep with other women?

He replied: I sleep with my wife, with other women, I'm awake all the time.

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having coffee.

The first catholic woman tell her friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him "FATHER".

The 2nd catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people call him "YOUR GRACE".

The 3rd catholic woman says, "My son is a cardinal, when he enters a room, people call him "YOUR EMINENCE".

The 4th catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first 3 women give her the subtle, "well...?".

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6 ft and 2 inches in height, hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "OH, MY GOD!!!!!".

Two Doctors after Sex

male doctor: Are you a Surgeon?

female doctor: How did you know?

male doctor: Because you washed your hands after sex.

female doctor: Are you an Anesthesiologist?

male doctor: How did you know?

female doctor: I felt nothing.

One or More

Little girl: Mom, what's a penis?

Mom: Be a good girl, when you grow up, you'll get one.

Little girl: What if I'm bad?

Mom: You'll get plenty!!!

American and Iraqi Soldiers

A squad of marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American marine in a similar but less serious state…

The marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened. The marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier.”

“What happened then?” The corpsman asked.

“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and he yelled back, “Bush, Cheney and Rumsfield are miserable pieces of shit.”

We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.

Good Father

Man died. At the funeral, priest spoke of deceased's good traits: honest, understanding, loving husband and kind father.

Widow whispered to son, "Go and look in the coffin, check if it's your dad."

Clean the Dishes

A maid fired..

Before leaving, she gave $100 to the family dog. When asked why, she said:

"I don't forget a friend. He helped me clean the dishes everyday."