Ah Beng Jokes: All items are missing

Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."

Ah Beng Jokes: Oh My God

Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! U have come again."

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the seashore."

Men Never Listen

A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.

The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.

"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
"Oh, that's him I have on my back."

The sex style

A wife gave birth to a quadruplet....

upon seeing her husband,

she gets up from her bed and slapped him shouting:

LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN YOUR DOGSTYLE????

WE HAVE A LOT OF PUPPIES NOW!

The Victorian Police Test

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Ah Beng Jokes: Remarry

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

The Blonde's Stain

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners on the way out of the door, the lady at the counter says,

"Come again"

The blonde says,

"No it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"

Ah Beng Jokes: Play football

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Indon, Bangla & Malaysian

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian Chinese are in a bar one night having a beer. The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi is obviously impressed. When he finished his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.

He says "Nyamah! In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Ah Beng Jokes: Studying

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

I e-meow U, U e-meow me

This is REALLY FUNNY!

The Malaysian Ministry of Education (MOE) are reverting back to teaching Science and Mathematic in Bahasa Malaysia.

If we do not oppose now, a lot of our young generation of Msians are going to speak and write like this soon....



Enjoy.





Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letters. Wrong time no see you. How anything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your face look? Somemore you must wear high hill kick kok shoe, hope you can wok properly wit out felling over.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working start in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his junk friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. We so drown we no go toilet but pee pees on the floor.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family. My brother eye deer also to in white the kampong head.

I only hope one day we no need write you and send litters to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup you soon. And when you got time, please few free call up to me. Good bye.....

Wormedst regret,
Ah Beng

Small, smaller

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

A piece of advice while flying

After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home to Singapore.

As the plane reached cruising altitude & speed with the seat belt sign switched off,

a 6-footer man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled "HIJACK!"

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.

Two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"


The moral of the story is:

If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever "Hi" him in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep shit!

Ah Beng Jokes: New Mobile

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

Ugly baby

Woman with a baby on a bus -

Driver: "What an ugly baby!"

Hurt, the woman went to another seat.

The Man next to her asked: "What's wrong, lady?"

Woman: "The driver just insulted me."

Man: "What a jerk! He should respect you! Go get his name and ID number. Come on, I'll hold your monkey for you"

Brain

I met a crazy woman, And I asked her,

What is greater, heart or brain?

She answered me, laughing

"I lost my brain because of love,

But I lost my love because I followed my brain."

Wait a Minute

Teacher: "How long is a minute?"

Student: "Which kind of a minute do you mean, Ma'am - a real minute - or "wait a minute"?"

Wanna Know Why Are You So Tired At The End Of Each Work Day?!!!

Have you wondered why office staffs are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees? The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:

1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around incircles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire


NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!

Malaysian Education System - A Very Wise View

A Very Wise View from Datuk Dr Agoes Salim...

The objective of STPM is to pass people?

How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the exams of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed? Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?

Let me put things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:

"In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?"

The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?

So later, they found another way to ask the same question:

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."

The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"

Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:

Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."

60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Yeah!!!!.... 60% managed to pass! So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. So last year, they came out with this gem:

"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"

13% (smart students) handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", 10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and 20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".

The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course! After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. 87%!!!!!.... ........now that's pretty impressive!

So it's true. So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!

Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one.

Duh......

Baby Gatal

funny baby

Communication gap

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Three Phases of Breasts and Penis

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,

If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Best Marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town, and was astonished to notice evidence of the most amazing shooting.

On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.

The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.

The resident introduced him to the shooter.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man.

"How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the person.

"I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

The penis and its reply

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:I do physical labor.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects ur request for the following reasons: you do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You don't always follow the orders of the management team. You don't stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You don't take initiative-u need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before your 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags..

I was trying to tell you

The late Smedley D. Butler, always an impulsive man, was generally careful of the welfare of his men. One time in France he encountered two soldiers emerging from the kitchen with a large soup kettle. "Let me taste that," he ordered.

"But Gen ..."

"No buts! Give me a spoon." Taking a taste, the General sputtered, "You don't call that soup, do you?"

"No, sir," replied the soldier, "I was trying to tell you, sir, it's dishwater!"

Good bye, Mom

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

How do you unlock the door?

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."

Ghost Sex

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience,he asks,How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied, "Ohhhh! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"