Get her the skin graft set

1: What does Megan want for her birthday?

2: get her the skin graft set

1: She is Hannibal lecter now? WTF

2: lol I meant the "skin care" set we talked about from Macy's

1: Put the lotion in the basket!!!

Wisdom of the Indian Barber

While cutting the (Prime Minister) PM's hair one day, the Indian barber suddenly asked, "What's this Swiss Bank issue?" The PM shouted, "ARE YOU cutting my hair or making inquiry?" Barber: "Sorry Sir, I simply asked." Next day, while cutting the (Deputy Prime Minister) DPM's hair, he again asked, "Sir, what's this money laundering issue?'' The DPM shouted, ''WHY do you ask me this question?'' Barber: ''Sorry Sir, just a simple question." On the following day, MACC called in the barber and interrogated him, "Are you an agent of PKR?" Barber: "No, Sir." MACC: "Then while cutting their hair, why did you ask our PM and DPM about Swiss Bank and money laundering issues?" Barber: "Sir, the reason is, when I asked them about these, their hair stand up straight. And that helps me to cut their hair easily !"

I'm in the bathroom with syphilis

1: Heyyy where are u

2: I'm in the bathroom with syphilis. P
2: Steph*++***** omg autocorrect

1: Hahaha what???

Coking up

1: I miss u, are u coming to bed soon?

2: yes coking up in one sec!

1: Coking up? WTF?
1: What r u, Lindsay Lohan now?

2: haha. sorry babe. COMING UP, not coking. there will be no coke.

I'm playing hooker with your dad

1: Note: Avoid FiberOne bars. They cause intense flatulence.

2: Will do!

1: Haha =]

2: I'm playing hooker with your Dad today!
2: No I meant hockey! Damn that auto correct!

1: Oh lord.

Alphabet Jokes

What is A B C D E F G stand for:

 

A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.

 

After A B C D E F G………………………….

What about H I J K?

 

He is just kidding……

Iraqis

1: Please keep warm. Iraqis it will hit -23 tonight. Counting the days.

1: Not Iraqis. It was supposes to say "it says". I suck at texting.

Have cum for me too

1: My pleasure. Have cum for me too!!

2: LOL

1: Oh my heavens. That was supposed to be FUN. I am mortified!! I would never say that. I am sooo sorry...

2: Freudian slip LOL I got a good laugh

1: Not freudian.... Stupid fill in in iPhone!! Glad you found it funny. I am finding that embarrassing!!!

Buy you a casket

1: I just wanted to say: I love you!

2: Oh babe. I love you too. So much.
2: If I could, I'd buy you a casket.
2: Gah! A castle! Damn auto correct. Way to ruin a moment.
2: I definitely do not want you in a casket.
2: Hello?

Send fleas to the funeral

1: Centenary Methodist Saturday at 10am is Thoms Mothers Funeral. Her name is ****.

2: Do you want us to send fleas to the funeral. Or something to tom's house

1: I don't think he would appreciate fleas

I'm having a baby right now

1: I'm having a baby right now
1: Got damn spell check!!!
1: I'm having a beer right now

2: Lmao

Riding his bisexual

1: Can you come over in like 5 mins to watch the kids?

2: Sure... wheres John?

1: He's outside riding his bisexual
1: **bike! Omg! His bike. Hahahah.

2: Yiikes, sorry I asked. Haha

Assface

1: And quick question...what is the name of that place you get the carne assface from

1: OMG!!! Asada....my phone changed it to assface. Must text that too

Have some lesbian or lesgauna

1: Have some lesbian.

2: WTF???

1: Spell check I was trying to spell lesgauna

2: What?!? Lesguana???
2: Is that a cross between a lesbian and an iguana?
2: Lmfao

1: Spell check on this thing gave me lesbian

2: What is lesguana

1: Lol. Oi am crying

Bloody tampon

1: For christs sake stop leaving the bloody tampon!!!!!

2: What?? Where?!

1: Lmfao. The bloody lamp on, in the bathroom. Not the tampon. Laughing so hard. Can not breathe.

2: Ohhhh my goddddd. I was like WTF? I have my period so I was totally mortified. Lmao

Dr Tony Tan, Chickens, Sexy Quotes & Mandarin (Singapore Presidential Election 2011 Parody)

The chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a domesticated fowl, a subspecies of the Red Junglefowl. As one of the most common and widespread domestic animals, and with a population of more than 24 billion in 2003, there are more chickens in the world than any other species of bird. Humans keep chickens primarily as a source of food, consuming both their meat and their eggs.

The Singapore presidential election of 2011 is the fourth Singapore presidential election to be held on 27 August 2011. Nomination day for eligible candidates was held on August 17, 2011. The incumbent President S.R. Nathan's term is to end on August 31, 2011. He could have sought re-election as there are no term limits, but declined to do so.

Four candidates were issued certificates of eligibility by Singapore's Presidential Elections Committee. As all four candidates are expected to stand nominated on Nomination Day, this would most likely be the first contested election since the 1993 election, and the first multi-candidate presidential race in Singaporean history.

Candidates
Tan Cheng Bock
Tan Jee Say
Tony Tan Keng Yam
Tan Kin Lian

Standard Chinese
普通話 / 普通话 Pǔtōnghuà
國語 / 国语 Guóyǔ
華語 / 华语 Huáyǔ
現代標準漢語 / 现代标准汉语 Xiàndài Biāozhǔn Hànyǔ
Spoken in
People's Republic of China,
Republic of China (Taiwan),
Singapore

Standard Chinese or Modern Standard Chinese, also known as Mandarin or Putonghua, is the official language of the People's Republic of China and Republic of China (Taiwan), and is one of the four official languages of Singapore.

A parody (pronounced /ˈpærədi/; also called send-up, spoof or lampoon), in contemporary usage, is a work created to mock, comment on, or trivialise an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of humorous, satiric or ironic imitation. As the literary theorist Linda Hutcheon puts it, "parody ... is imitation, not always at the expense of the parodied text." Another critic, Simon Dentith, defines parody as "any cultural practice which provides a relatively polemical allusive imitation of another cultural production or practice." Parody may be found in art or culture, including literature, music (although "parody" in music has an earlier, somewhat different meaning than for other art forms), animation, gaming and film.

The writer and critic John Gross observes in his Oxford Book of Parodies, that parody seems to flourish on territory somewhere between pastiche ("a composition in another artist's manner, without satirical intent") and burlesque (which "fools around with the material of high literature and adapts it to low ends").

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


original video courtesy of Mediacorp & YouTube channel 154media
民选总统竞选广播 Pt3/4 - 陈庆炎 Dr Tony Tan - 18Aug2011


Did you know?
Originally, the production team was to simply add english subtitles for the non-mandarin speaking community, deaf & users without computer audio. However, it was nearly impossible to decipher or even understand what exactly the speaker was trying to convey and the rest is history...


Comments:

His English and mandarin sounds like my classmate from hong kong....TT confirm is Singaporean and not new citizen?? If he need to visit China and taiwan then he going to communicate in this mandarin??
1blursotong 23 minutes ago

This an old fox!
minstral18 1 hour ago

My skin is black in colour and i swear my mandarin beats him =)
JMX12 1 hour ago

TT is just another elite, just like GCT. His wife like GCT's wife. No diff. As a chinese, I would him to speak chinese or mandarin well enough. With all these, I doubt he can connect well with common sporeans, only able to connect with the inner circle of spore society. He keeps talking about economy, as a President, what can he do? He might as well run for election and be the PM!! Then maybe he can use his expertise in economics and finance!
ongqien 4 hours ago 2

He should spend his final years brushing up on his mandarin than to run for presidency of Singapore IF he considers himself a Chinese . His ancestors will be turning over in their graves TWICE if they hear him speak!! PHONEY TONY ! Hahaha! All u ever think

About is Money !
ZHENSHUN 4 hours ago 4

If my dick had a sense of humor it would be laughing till it puked! LoLx!!! I bet this moron doesn't even know half of what that TelePrompTer is displaying! Muhahaha! My 5 year old semi autistic daughter has better pronunciation skills than phoney Tony. And that handshake is just so rude,insincere and downright discriminating . What a fake shit bastard he is !
ZHENSHUN 4 hours ago 2

Nathan: "...see this old man, why the hell is he still here.."
crazycrazycrazy83 11 hours ago

Mr Brown for president !
fymZxZ 12 hours ago

If you observe his eyes carefully, he is watching the teleprompter beside the camera... watching it reaaaaaallly hard
neonpeony 13 hours ago 3

Dr Tan, do you feel constipated 5:25
xodadjianx 13 hours ago 2

he worst then my sec 3 chinese... shame lo
geee77 15 hours ago 2

Wojciech Szczęsny is so adorable! <3
xBlueWinter 15 hours ago 2

Fuck off la cb old man create n lvl dog fuck you old man go die
MrsForeverlovely 15 hours ago

my goodness. ... he is insulting the chinese speaking older generation lah. can speak dialect TT? Malay? I'm sure our old people can understand Malay better than you hanyu pinyin english. ahahhaaa
myrtung 15 hours ago

wo liao...ken tang. i'm sure his script goes: wo shee chen jinx yen. ben jeer de hoh suen ren. her way lai de .... wo ken wo de dai dai..... zong zoo pao dong sir jeer hoon...

&^*&%$*&)( if TJS speaks funny, TT speaks like shit
myrtung 15 hours ago 3

His generation does not have bilingual education. As the last batch of Chinese stream, I respect him for trying as I know it is not easy. Those who laughed at his Mandarin have actually benefited from the bilingual language policy.
yxlooi 16 hours ago

@yxlooi

He's a chinese isn't he? Does a chinese need to "learn" how to speak chinese? I don't get it. I looked down on chinese who doesn't know how to speak chinese or mandarin well, what a shame!!
ongqien 4 hours ago 2

@yxlooi

He's a chinese isn't he? Does a chinese need to "learn" how to speak chinese? I don't get it. I looked down on chinese who doesn't know how to speak chinese or mandarin well, what a shame!!
ongqien 4 hours ago

lol
MrAssholeTan98 16 hours ago

i miss watching win lose or draw
faeleia 16 hours ago
Comment removed
bb6456224 16 hours ago

the pause at 3:01 is classic .. seems like he is hving a hard time reading the english pronunciation of his chinese speech
bbsonya 17 hours ago

its killing me just to listen his mandarin
bbsonya 17 hours ago

wahlau ....i kept rolling on the ground seeing he speak ....crying ...crying ...laugh till dead


kkwushu 17 hours ago

He is "reading" a mandarin speech using English alphabets. Really feels so sadistic watching it, but at the same time tears almost roll out while laughing, really salute the producers. This is as good as the "hitler" series!
hoosiers90 18 hours ago

funny how he shook people's hand. its like he needed disinfectant after that.
MizusawaMa0 18 hours ago

CCCny, haha!
rapha24mt 20 hours ago 3

laugh until "lao sai"
lesliefan79 21 hours ago 2

I thought my chinese was terrible. But this is exceptionally terrible. No wait It redefines terrible
noobie098 22 hours ago 9

Its like he is taking his chinese oral exam
Molke89 22 hours ago 9

The Camera and crews must be holding back their laughter till their toilet break.
DPTW88 22 hours ago 9

i think preseident SR Nathan's chinese better
budong88 23 hours ago 14

If I am him, I will not speak in Mandarin at all. His body language is also awful! I am quite sure that he is not speaking from his own mind but reading from charts.
denzuko1 23 hours ago 2

I feel so constipated after watching this................
mspisces1995 1 day ago 7

It's obvious he is reading from the script place in front of him , not from his heart.
bondings 1 day ago 5

6:04 - 6:06 notice his thumb is still up during the hand shake.. whereas the store keeper gives a firm grab. No respect for a man who doesn't know how to give a firm handshake.

Anyway blatantly obvious he's teleprompter is all in han yu pin yin. Being a Chinese himself, it will be kind of odd having a translator when he hosts Chinese delegates.
kelvinsiew 1 day ago 5

He can't speak Chinese!
babymonsterist 1 day ago 4

lol what if the teleprompter crash?
1234567friend 1 day ago 6

Singapore will be snowing in December if he really cares about the welfare of Singaporeans! Goddamn liar !.

ZHENSHUN 1 day ago 6

very boring video
Evening001 1 day ago

People who say that Tan Jee Say can't speak English for nuts, please take a look at Tony Tan speaking Mandarin. By that comparison, Tan Jee Say is more effectively bilingual. 
greeneggsandparmaham 1 day ago 8

HAHAHAHA! Bao Zi, and Mian Bao.... check out 6:45 too!
fatyandao 1 day ago 3

1:42 is lol.
Wakka4LiFE 1 day ago 2

Talk to my hand!
Ericeric00 1 day ago 3

I think he should change those specs...
shamz58 1 day ago 2

oh no, he is so tensed up .... reading from the script ... in pinying or/and englisg sounds like words
rchangkh 1 day ago

to think he was once our education minister...
bloodhound900 1 day ago 2

ha ha !!!!! hilarious!! 吃鸡的努力. The strength from eating chicken!!!! LOL!! hahahahaha!
limyengchuan 1 day ago

Why is this so soft... so hard to hear the interesting parts
javierliyongen 1 day ago

script reading...
SHlNeeFAN 1 day ago 2

lol....Ok I admit my chinese sucks as much as him. But well the difference here is..Im a normal citizen and his running for presidency...I hope we dont get him as a president?

:O
GUNDAM00745 1 day ago 2

i think it would be good to have english and chinese subtitles in every speaker to avoid misunderstandings
tanyongrui88 1 day ago

@SGRevolution... those are CHINESE dialeccts ( just as Tamil is an Indian dialect). And they are recognised all over the world as Chinese, except in SG.

ahnyaahnya 2 days ago

*imagines a dialogue between him and Wen Jiabao and company.

"wo men xing jia po, kao chi ji de nu li."

Wen: "HUH?"
l0v3v0lv3 2 days ago 3

Trying too hard to be funny. The parody is as tedious as the speech. *shakes head* this is the best you got hur?
koutanot 2 days ago

@koutanot The whole idea is to say his speech is very hard to listen... can be painful..
eiizumi 1 day ago

What warrants the vuglarities part? Mock all u want, without resorting to that. This parody makes no sense generally. Mocking for the sake, u must ne so proud of urself
koutanot 2 days ago

TonyTan 在先告图力后， 靠着吃鸡的努力， 用明显总统的钱力，做我国的盐手！
zeroeximus 2 days ago 10

You can see him struggling to read the hanyu pinyin on the teleprompter at 1:41.
bayenor 2 days ago

听到幹辛苦。。。真的是超级白。。。
xkevxify 2 days ago 2

Sibei Xia Suay...
oOoLyRrAdoOo 2 days ago

I bet the producers think his pronunciation is so lousy until they do not want to edit his voice
MrLittledicks 2 days ago 4

epic fail mandarin
boboshooters 2 days ago 2

nice 1 ! :)
bloca20 2 days ago 2

FYI, most of the older generation did NOT grow up speaking Mandarin. Most spoke their TRUE mother tongues... Hokkien, Teochew, Cantonese etc., which by the way are also Chinese.
ahnyaahnya 2 days ago 2

@ahnyaahnya those are called dialects
SGRevolution2011 2 days ago

jim carrey..andy...chicken...natha­n n more too!! hahaa~~
MGSP 2 days ago 2

haha omg this is hilarious! heheheh..is he memorizing?
MGSP 2 days ago

i have difficulty following the speech too
hiveyhive 2 days ago

It's not like the PAPigs are strong in cyberspace - everyone knows PAPigs got their asses kicked online during GE.

Now, Now! There is only 1 target on which the online bombardment and firestorm is concentrated on... Think Tony a bit xiao liao....

Think Tony will be very xian of the daily, even hourly online mocking...
2011Decision 2 days ago

His chinese like a fail.
aaandric 2 days ago 7

and he was the education minister. shows how our bilingual policy has been working eh? leading by example. pfft. bet he's reading pinyin haha
clementckw 2 days ago

LKY madarin sucks as well, but at least he knows he's weak in it (at least he understands han yu pin yin) and had personal training on it. This guy, TT, wanting (so desperately) to reach out to the local Chinese community, can't even make it work with han yu pin yin ( i can't even understand 1/2 sentence he's saying). I really wonder what if the speech is in chinese characters... it's a painful experience listening to his mandarin...
ic3st0rmer 2 days ago 2
Comment removed
ic3st0rmer 2 days ago

This is a very very naughty clip...

Nice... but xiao! You guys must have spent a crazy long time on it...
2011Decision 2 days ago

hard to read in han yu pin yin?
evoked87 2 days ago

OMG this is so funny!
MyDeppy 2 days ago 2

 a parrot can do better...
shahrenzo 2 days ago 4

man...he must've been through a CRASH COURSE or something... just by listening to him ramble incoherently for d first few minutes,is already a painful experience.
shahrenzo 2 days ago 2

So obvious that he's trying to read his script..
lefttosmile 2 days ago 2

He become president of singapore... damn... my god!!! That's utterly embarrassing
Edgedale 2 days ago 5

He speaks Chinese as good as Zoe Tay speaks english
ashura39 2 days ago 2

Wow, 5:10 mins ..... even in the presidential election speech he thinks of Money sia....... 
ultraseven2012 2 days ago 3

3:55 mins...I had a good laugh... :D
ultraseven2012 2 days ago

he sounds like a foreign talent .
marcus1407 2 days ago 58

@marcus1407  haha !! which foreign talent.
MGSP 2 days ago

script!!!! hahaha....
djkzee 2 days ago

lol
lordnewbiez 2 days ago

This is really embarrassing!!
severionz 2 days ago

How can a fella who is born in the 60s or even earlier can be so weak in mother tongue? Still run for president? Pls la Tan Jee Say can be better so much.
calaminelotionsux 2 days ago 41

@calaminelotionsux

So someone has to be 'strong' in his mother tongue to run for president?

Does that apply to only the Chinese men? How come no one ever put President Nathan to the Tamil test??

Is the Chinese mother tongue you learn in school, our national language?

To quote your good self, "Pls la," Comment on something else.
junyahrebel 18 hours ago

@calaminelotionsux I don't think Mr Nathan can speak chinese.
philotze 12 hours ago 3

@philotze I don't think Mr Tony Tan is an Indian.
McBliz 5 hours ago

@calaminelotionsux he is a Baba-Nyonya
SoiYulk 1 hour ago

i think i need an interpreter... he's reading off the lines on the camera hahaha
marcus13227 2 days ago

@marcus13227 teleprompter
takahashikyoko1987 2 days ago
Comment removed
marcus13227 2 days ago

HAHAHAHA this is the funniest thing I've seen all week. Nicely done!
legitbusinessman 2 days ago

To be fair. His mandarin really sounds a lil bit off.

Scratch that, really off o_o
KasaruKisuke 2 days ago

Lol , Wtf

ultramaxify 2 days ago

Tell dad not to lick me out tonight

1: Can you tell dad not to lick me out tonight plz?
1: Oh god I meant to say 'lock me out' worst typo ever

2: Sorry? Type that again!

1: WORST TYPO EVER

2: Oh lord. I will do the latter. Scarred for life. Thank you.

1: Sorry. :-(

2: You have given me lolz

Sat in the frogs

1: Monday night jersey shore special

2: ohhh.. i didnt know they had that. but yea snookis nasty shit.

1: She had a rash on her ass so she sat in the frogs and announced she had to poop

2: she sat in frogs? and pooped? shits gross.

1: Oh shit that was autocorrect. She sat in the "fridge"

Cumming in his cubicle

1: I can't concentrate today. I don't want to be here!!!

2: Totally. I know.

1: Is john cumming in his cubicle? The sound is driving me nuts!

2: Omg. What are you hearing????

1: Bwahaha ***humming. Not cumming. Ewww

2: Please pass the brain bleach.

My husband just got head

1: Oh you know who I hate? That Andy guy on bravo who hosts those reunions.

2: I hate Oprah Winfrey.

1: I hate Guy Fieri.

2: Hahaha I could do this all day but I gotta go. My husband just got head.
2: Here! HERE!!!

1: That was hlarious. I dont hate autocorrect!

Google Map from China to Taiwan

Go to Google Map
Click on get directions
Key in China and Taiwan


1. Head north toward 312国道 4.0 km
2. Turn right onto 312国道 16.1 km
3. Turn left onto the ramp to Ｇ２２青兰高速 Partial toll road 600 m
4. Keep right at the fork and merge onto Ｇ２２青兰高速 Toll road 167 km
5. Exit onto 312国道 Partial toll road 91.9 km
6. 312国道 turns slightly left and becomes 崆峒大道（中段） 2.9 km
7. Continue onto 崆峒大道（东段） Go through 1 roundabout 2.7 km
8. Continue onto 东湖路 2.5 km
9. Turn right onto 312国道 2.8 km
10. Turn left onto the ramp to Ｇ２２青兰高速 Partial toll road 400 m
11. Keep right at the fork and merge onto Ｇ２２青兰高速 Toll road 69.9 km
12. Take exit 罗汉洞/凤口/西安 toward 312国道 500 m
13. Slight right onto 312国道 77 m
14. Keep left at the fork 26.9 km
15. Take the ramp on the left to Ｇ７０福银高速 220 m
16. Slight left onto Ｇ７０福银高速 Partial toll road 293 km
17. Continue onto Ｇ４０沪陕高速 Toll road 574 km
18. Take the exit onto Ｇ４５大广高速 Partial toll road 214 km
19. Exit on the left onto 201省道 4.4 km
20. Slight right onto the ramp to Ｇ７０福银高速 92 m
21. Keep left at the fork to continue toward Ｇ７０福银高速 150 m
22. Keep right at the fork to continue toward Ｇ７０福银高速 500 m
23. Keep right at the fork and merge onto Ｇ７０福银高速 Partial toll road 115 km
24. Take the exit 500 m
25. Continue straight 1.5 km
26. Continue straight onto ０４７乡道 3.2 km
27. ０４７乡道 turns left and becomes 湖北大道 1.3 km
28. Slight right onto 湖北大道/105国道 Continue to follow 105国道 Toll road 4.9 km
29. Merge onto Ｇ７０福银高速 Partial toll road 710 km
30. Take exit 福州/宁德/Ｇ１５沈海高速/厦门 to merge onto Ｇ１５沈海高速 Toll road 23.3 km
31. Take exit 宏路/福清 to merge onto 福政路 Partial toll road 2.4 km
32. Turn left toward 福玉路 400 m
33. Turn right toward 福玉路 400 m
34. Continue straight onto 福玉路 400 m
35. Turn left onto 清荣大道 350 m
36. Exit onto 福融路 1.3 km
37. Turn left onto 清昌大道 900 m
38. Continue straight to stay on 清昌大道 2.7 km
39. At the roundabout, take the 1st exit onto 龙江路 1.8 km
40. Slight left onto 龙江路/305省道 Continue to follow 305省道 47.3 km
41. Take the ferry 3.2 km
42. Continue straight onto 305省道 10.3 km
43. Continue onto 万宝西路 1.1 km
44. Continue onto 万宝中路 1.4 km
45. Turn left onto 西航路 2.0 km
46. Turn right onto 龙凤路 650 m
47. Turn left 86 m
48. Swim across the Pacific Ocean 165 km
49. Continue straight 1.1 km
50. Turn right onto 領港大道 900 m
51. Slight right to stay on 領港大道 450 m
52. Turn left onto 台64線 11.2 km
53. Take exit 五股二交流道 toward 國道1號 210 m
54. Take exit 五股二交流道(五股交流道/五股) toward 國道1號 450 m
55. Take exit 五股二交流道(國1五股交流道) on the left toward 國道1號 1.9 km
56. Take exit 五股交流道 to merge onto 國道1號 66.1 km
57. Take exit 新竹系統交流道 to merge onto 國道3號 137 km
58. Take exit 名間交流道 toward 名間/集集 1.0 km
59. Turn left onto 彰南路/台3線 Continue to follow 台3線 2.5 km
60. Continue onto 員集路/台16線 Continue to follow 台16線 15.3 km
61. Turn right onto 中山路一段/台16線 Continue to follow 台16線 4.3 km
62. Slight right onto 新中橫公路水里玉山線/台21線 Continue to follow 台21線 3.6 km
63. Turn left onto 人倫林道 450 m
64. Turn right to stay on 人倫林道 1.6 km
65. Turn left to stay on 人倫林道 1.6 km
66. Take the 1st left to stay on 人倫林道 1.3 km
67. Turn left to stay on 人倫林道 950 m
68. Turn right to stay on 人倫林道 26.6 km
69. Turn right onto 人倫林道支線 200 m

Erected

1: OM!! Modern Family is HILARIOUS tonight!

2: Yznzm'zjjs
2: Zdzwo

1: Haaaa! Thanks Collin!
1: Grandpa loves you. :D

2: Lol! Sorry! He had my phone when you erected!
2: Lol! Texted!! TEXTED!! sorry dad!

1: When I WHAT!

Feces navidad

1: I'm at my holiday party. Wooooo. Feces navidad!!!!

2: Wow. Talk about a party pooper! Hahah

1: :p I meant Feliz Navidad! Whoops!

2: Festive!

Can't stop douching

1: Dying. I'm dying

2: no

1: Yes
1: I can't stop douching
1: Coughing

2: XD sorry baby but that was hilarious

1: I know I laughed too

Syphilis

1: I'm tired of the snow. The weather report just said like 8-12 inches more or syphilis
1: Or something
1: Hahahaha

2: Syphilis?!?!?! I dont have clothes for that.

1: I'm not prepared either. Hahaha.

Iphone 44G - The world in 30 years

iPhone 44G ?!?!?! HAHAHA

It can do everything!

Bone your wife

1: Hey bro I need to bone your wife tonight is that cool?

2: Ya have her back by morning

1: Wow!!!! Sorry man I meant borrow your wife. WTF!!! Hows that work.
1: Damn iPhone!!!

2: Oh ok just be gentle

1: Thanks man!!!

Funny sex jokes

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife,'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..Finally,they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally,they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’;

Choked on penis

1: Lmfao

2: That made me laugh so much

1: I just choked on my penis
1: Pretzel*** WTF

2: LMFAO!!!!!!

1: Lmfao dammit iPhone 4

Escalator jokes

Oh no.. the escalator is spoiled! Somebody save me!!!

Camel whore

1: Todd wants a new camel whore for Christmas. Not sure one to get him. So many options. Any ideas?!

2: Whoa. What's a camel whore and what type of "options"?

1: Haha. I meant camera bag. I cannot believe it corrected to camel whore!!! How embarrassing. He is NOT getting any type of whore for Christmas.

Cock slap on iphone

1: I just figured out how to use cock slap on my iphone! (kinda feel dumb)

2: Ummmmm. What?

1: HOLY SHIT! I mean: CAPSLOCK! (kinda feel realllly dumb now)

2: COCKSLAP

One spelling mistake can destroy your life

One spelling mistake can destroy your life.

A Husband sent this to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.”

Funny Video; Why so small

The Lady : what bird is this...??why so small...??

the guy : This is Import from Malaysia...!!!

The Lady : didn't see before...it looks small like kids that i saw....

the guy : it it just fly to Thailand here...

The Lady : ooo fly from far away and feather already gone...this bird bang to what why ITS head already flatten ...??go away

the guy : Nooo~~~arghhh falln*

Defacating

1: Heyyyyyy what are you up to

2: Not much. I'm just defacating outside.

1: Eweww. Why? Are your toilets broken?

2: Lmao. No, they're fine. I'm DECORATING outside. Christmas lights.

1: Ha. Good I was starting to worry.

Divorce

1: Your mom and I are going to divorce next month

2: what??? why! call me please?

1: I wrote Disney and this phone changed it. We are going to Disney.

Skin graft for Megan

1: What does Megan want for her birthday?

2: get her the skin graft set

1: She is Hannibal lecter now? WTF

2: lol I meant the "skin care" set we talked about from Macy's

1: Put the lotion in the basket!!!

Ken Lee or Without you by Mariah Carey

A contestant in the second season of the Bulgarian show "Music Idol" performs Mariah Carey's song "Without you" in fake English.

The contestant's name is Valentina Hasan, 29 years old. She's from the village of Zvezdelina, in the Kardzhali Province. Valentina's married and "Hasan" is her husband's surname. She currently lives in Spain.

Ass pounded - with video

1: Guess who just got their ass pounded!

2: I don't know but tell me there's video

1: Omg. I wrote GROUNDED. and I hate this phone.

Whore foods - tall and blonde

1: Be home soon. Do you want anything from whore foods?

2: If you're at whore foods I'll take something tall and blonde.

2: But if you're at whole foods I'll take some peanut butter.

I love your nipples

1: I love your eyes.Period

2: and I love your nipples period.
2: dimples*******
2: LOLOL

1: Lmfaooo wowwww

2: Imfao auto correct fuxked it upp

1: Haha damm my nipless?

2: noo your dimples ***
2: lmfaooo

Funny japanese prank

that first old dude is cooler than any of us ever will be.