Jokes: Women are better planners

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Taking pictures

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

Jokes: Hospital Names in Singapore

Do you know why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for 'Never Come Home'. That's why business was very bad before it changed its name. ? Now CGH stands for 'Can Go Home'. So business is picking up.

Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for 'Sure Go Home'!

Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name change.
It stands for 'No Use Hospital'! ?

What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good a name, no wonder so much problem.

It stands for ' Tiam Tiam Si Hospital ' and now 'Tan Teo SARs Hospital '.
So, be careful of choosing which hospital to go if anyone is unwell.

How to serve chicken wings to a man

Singapore English radio station jokes

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

Ah Beng photocopies documents

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Jokes: English and Singlish

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)

When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.

When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)

When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)

At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!

When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)

Thermo flask jokes

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Beng : "What does it do?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do?"

Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

Anything to pass exam

Pretty young student walked in to her professor's office late one afternoon the day before midterm exams. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said as she leaned closer to him, stroked her hair and gazed meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispered, "I would do... anything."

The professor returned her gaze. "Anything?" he asked.

"Anything," she replied.

His voice softened. "Really? Anything?" he asked again.

"Absolutely anything," she once again replied.

He leaned close to the woman and lowered his voice to a whisper.

"Would you... study?"

Job application

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.

He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age,

Address etc.

Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the
question. After much thought, he writes "Yes"