Prospective Employer to Applicant: 'So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: 'The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'
Jul 9, 2009
Jul 8, 2009
Cooking vs Driving
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful...... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
T H E S A L T!"
The wife stared at him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I am driving with you in the car."
"Careful ... CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful...... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
T H E S A L T!"
The wife stared at him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I am driving with you in the car."
Jul 7, 2009
Mow the Lawn
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."
After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."
After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Jul 6, 2009
Heart attack
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
Jul 5, 2009
The Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing.'
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?'
'Didn't feel a thing.'
Jul 4, 2009
How thing changes
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."
Jul 3, 2009
What to do during honeymoon
Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thing.
SON: Got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
MOM: Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thing.
SON: Got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
He's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Jul 2, 2009
Reading not fishing
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'). 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'). 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Jul 1, 2009
Three-Character Classic - 三字經
The Three-Character Classic [三字經 Sanzi Jing] is a 700 year old classic which Chinese kids have been required to memorize even before they could read and write. It is a very compact "poem" that summarizes all of the basic tenets of Confucianism, serving a very similar function that a catechism has in a Catholic school. Confucianists, despite their tremendous influence on Chinese thought for over 2,000 years, have a reputation as being serious folks without the zest for life that Taoists have. But maybe that impression is incorrect. Maybe the text has been misinterpreted for 2,000 years. Here is a new, improved translation which traditionalists would not approve but it is arguably valid.
Chinese original
人之初
性本善
性相近
習相遠
苟不教
性乃遷
教之道
貴以專
昔孟母
擇鄰處
子不學
斷機杼
竇燕山
有義方
教五子
名俱揚
養不教
父之過
教不嚴
師之惰
子不學
非所宜
幼不學
老何為
玉不琢
不成器
人不學
不知義
Traditional Translation
People at birth,
are naturally good.
Their natures are similar;
their habits become different.
If, negligently, not taught,
their nature deteriorate.
The right way to teach,
is with absolute concentration.
Formerly, the mother of Mencius
chose a neighborhood.
When her child would not learn,
she broke the shuttle from the loom.
Dou Yanshan,
had the right method.
He taught five sons,
each of whom raised the family reputation.
To feed without teaching,
is the father's fault.
To teach without severity,
is the teacher's laziness.
If the child does not study,
it is improper.
If he does not study while young,
how will he act when old?
Jade that has not been polished
cannot be used.
Person that has not studied
cannot know righteousness.
New, Improved Translation
At the beginning of life.
sex is good.
Basically, all the sex are the same.
but it depends on the way you do it.
If you do not practice all the time.
sex will leave you.
The way of learning it
is very important to make love with only one person.
Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
chose her neighbor to avoid bad sex influence.
If you don't study hard,
your dick will become useless.
Dou, the Famous
owned a very effective and exciting medicine
All his five son took it
and their sexual abilities were well-known.
If your children don't know how to do it,
it is all your fault.
If they had lots of problems with it,
their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details of sex.
You may refuse to study this
but that is a real mistake
If you don't learn it in childhood,
you will lose your ability when old
If you don't exercise your dick,
it won't become hard and strong.
If you don't learn sex,
you cannot enjoy its sweetness.
Chinese original
人之初
性本善
性相近
習相遠
苟不教
性乃遷
教之道
貴以專
昔孟母
擇鄰處
子不學
斷機杼
竇燕山
有義方
教五子
名俱揚
養不教
父之過
教不嚴
師之惰
子不學
非所宜
幼不學
老何為
玉不琢
不成器
人不學
不知義
Traditional Translation
People at birth,
are naturally good.
Their natures are similar;
their habits become different.
If, negligently, not taught,
their nature deteriorate.
The right way to teach,
is with absolute concentration.
Formerly, the mother of Mencius
chose a neighborhood.
When her child would not learn,
she broke the shuttle from the loom.
Dou Yanshan,
had the right method.
He taught five sons,
each of whom raised the family reputation.
To feed without teaching,
is the father's fault.
To teach without severity,
is the teacher's laziness.
If the child does not study,
it is improper.
If he does not study while young,
how will he act when old?
Jade that has not been polished
cannot be used.
Person that has not studied
cannot know righteousness.
New, Improved Translation
At the beginning of life.
sex is good.
Basically, all the sex are the same.
but it depends on the way you do it.
If you do not practice all the time.
sex will leave you.
The way of learning it
is very important to make love with only one person.
Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
chose her neighbor to avoid bad sex influence.
If you don't study hard,
your dick will become useless.
Dou, the Famous
owned a very effective and exciting medicine
All his five son took it
and their sexual abilities were well-known.
If your children don't know how to do it,
it is all your fault.
If they had lots of problems with it,
their teacher must be too lazy to tell them details of sex.
You may refuse to study this
but that is a real mistake
If you don't learn it in childhood,
you will lose your ability when old
If you don't exercise your dick,
it won't become hard and strong.
If you don't learn sex,
you cannot enjoy its sweetness.
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