A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys; One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers; "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Mar 31, 2009
Mar 30, 2009
Jigsaw puzzle
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".
Mar 29, 2009
Jokes: Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and smart looking...
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but today is my 1st day and I just stepped on a duck!'
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and smart looking...
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but today is my 1st day and I just stepped on a duck!'
Mar 28, 2009
Single or married
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
Mar 27, 2009
Jokes: Night Classes
Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: Oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No.
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No.
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No.
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No.
Narayan: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
Narayan: Oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No.
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No.
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No.
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No.
Narayan: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
Mar 26, 2009
Time Difference
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng: "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng: "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
Mar 25, 2009
Ironing the phone
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But... what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng answered: "That stupid dumbo called back, lah!!!!"
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But... what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng answered: "That stupid dumbo called back, lah!!!!"
Mar 24, 2009
Jokes: Kill your father
Teacher: Who is called "killer"?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: For example; if you kill your father, what would you be called?
Student: Orphan
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: For example; if you kill your father, what would you be called?
Student: Orphan
Mar 23, 2009
Jokes: tomato and cucumbers
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are huge!"
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are huge!"
Mar 22, 2009
Help command
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' Command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer Retailer for support.
Ah Beng: "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah?!"
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' Command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer Retailer for support.
Ah Beng: "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah?!"
Mar 21, 2009
Jokes: The Blonde Bets
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Mar 20, 2009
Ah Beng can't dial 911
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
Mar 19, 2009
Jokes: Women are better planners
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Mar 18, 2009
Taking pictures
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.
Mar 17, 2009
Jokes: Hospital Names in Singapore
Do you know why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for 'Never Come Home'. That's why business was very bad before it changed its name. ? Now CGH stands for 'Can Go Home'. So business is picking up.
Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for 'Sure Go Home'!
Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name change.
It stands for 'No Use Hospital'! ?
What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good a name, no wonder so much problem.
It stands for ' Tiam Tiam Si Hospital ' and now 'Tan Teo SARs Hospital '.
So, be careful of choosing which hospital to go if anyone is unwell.
Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for 'Sure Go Home'!
Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name change.
It stands for 'No Use Hospital'! ?
What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good a name, no wonder so much problem.
It stands for ' Tiam Tiam Si Hospital ' and now 'Tan Teo SARs Hospital '.
So, be careful of choosing which hospital to go if anyone is unwell.
Mar 16, 2009
Mar 15, 2009
Singapore English radio station jokes
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."
The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."
The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."
The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."
The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"
Mar 14, 2009
Ah Beng photocopies documents
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
Mar 13, 2009
Jokes: English and Singlish
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)
Mar 12, 2009
Thermo flask jokes
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
Mar 11, 2009
Anything to pass exam
Pretty young student walked in to her professor's office late one afternoon the day before midterm exams. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said as she leaned closer to him, stroked her hair and gazed meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispered, "I would do... anything."
The professor returned her gaze. "Anything?" he asked.
"Anything," she replied.
His voice softened. "Really? Anything?" he asked again.
"Absolutely anything," she once again replied.
He leaned close to the woman and lowered his voice to a whisper.
"Would you... study?"
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said as she leaned closer to him, stroked her hair and gazed meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispered, "I would do... anything."
The professor returned her gaze. "Anything?" he asked.
"Anything," she replied.
His voice softened. "Really? Anything?" he asked again.
"Absolutely anything," she once again replied.
He leaned close to the woman and lowered his voice to a whisper.
"Would you... study?"
Mar 10, 2009
Job application
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age,
Address etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the
question. After much thought, he writes "Yes"
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age,
Address etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the
question. After much thought, he writes "Yes"
Mar 9, 2009
The Trespassers
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you? "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you? "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
Mar 8, 2009
Colour television joke
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV?"
Salesgirl : "Yes!"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please"
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV?"
Salesgirl : "Yes!"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please"
Mar 7, 2009
Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Under 18
AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean.
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah!
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah!
Mar 6, 2009
Legal versus logical
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Mar 5, 2009
The most appreciative gift
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers and 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
-Luv Ya, Mama
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers and 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
-Luv Ya, Mama
Mar 4, 2009
Blonde and the Doc
A BLONDE comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
BLONDE: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
BLONDE: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
BLONDE (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
BLONDE (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
BLONDE: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
BLONDE: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
BLONDE (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
BLONDE (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."
Mar 3, 2009
Women's future in marriage
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
Mar 2, 2009
Models for sale
Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.
Santa says to the Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?"
Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
Santa says to the Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?"
Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
Mar 1, 2009
Dirty sex poem
Roses are red
Lemons are sour
Open ur legs
and give me an hour
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You dont multiply
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fill you with cream
Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid
Sex is evil
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in!!!
Lemons are sour
Open ur legs
and give me an hour
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You dont multiply
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fill you with cream
Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or gettin paid
Everyone likes gettin laid
Sex is evil
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
