Jun 30, 2009
Jun 29, 2009
Not yet, it's his turn to use the teeth
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Jun 28, 2009
Jun 27, 2009
Ice-cream
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
Jun 26, 2009
Grandma won 1.000.000. pounds
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'
'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'
'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
Jun 25, 2009
It's the tiger
1. NEWTON METHOD: Let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed.
2. EINSTEIN METHOD: run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it.
3. According to most efficient POLICE METHOD: Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
2. EINSTEIN METHOD: run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it.
3. According to most efficient POLICE METHOD: Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
Jun 24, 2009
Pay increment
Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Jun 23, 2009
Full Disclosure when selling your home
The law says you must give full disclosure of any problems with a house when you sell it.
My neighbour is an asshole.
My neighbour is an asshole.
Jun 22, 2009
Diamond jokes
John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: I asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
John: anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND.
Peter: what did you gave her?
John: playing cards.
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: I asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
John: anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND.
Peter: what did you gave her?
John: playing cards.
Jun 21, 2009
Observation
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth
Jun 20, 2009
Wanting to party
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”
…and they lived happily ever after.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”
…and they lived happily ever after.
Jun 19, 2009
Doing the dish
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F...KING DISHES"
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F...KING DISHES"
Jun 18, 2009
兩封信~有夠絕
親愛的David:
經過我詳細的考慮, 我認為我還是離開你比較好. 我們一起己經七年了 , 七年來我自問盡力做一個好太太. 昨日我剛剛收到你公司的來電, 得知你己離職的消息. 老實說, 我對你的將來有一點擔憂.
上星期, 我去剪了一個新髮型, 煮了一些你愛吃的, 買了套新的睡衣. 你回到家 , 餐飯吃了兩分鐘你就去看電視 , 看完電視就去睡覺, 看都不看我一眼. 我多渴望你可以抱我一下, 說一聲你愛我, 即使是騙我也好 .
無論如何, 我走了, 保重
註: 請不要找我. 我己經搬去同偉文一齊住. 重新建立一個美好的生活.
你的前任太太 Tian
-----
親愛的Tian :
收到妳的分手信, 我感到無限傷心.
不錯妳我在一起己經七年. 只不過你是否是一個好太太, 我內心郤有疑問 .
我去看電視只是因為我不想聽妳嘮叨, 不過似乎作用不大.
當然我上星期我留意到你剪短了頭髮.
不過我見到第一個印象覺得妳好似一個男人 .
妳要知道我不是講假話, 又不想傷妳心. 所以我沒講甚麼.
妳煮那餐晚餐確是花了很多心思 , 不過不知你記不記得,
還是妳煮飯時當我是偉文,我己經不吃豬肉十幾年了. 可能你太大意了 , 妳那套睡衣上星期穿著時忘記除去價錢牌,上面寫著$4,999. 上星期偉文向我借了五千元, 我希望呢是一個巧合.
但無論如何, 我內心還是愛著妳的. 所以當我知道自己中了三億大樂透時 , 立即辭職買了兩張機票, 想著和妳去夏威夷渡假.
但當我回到家想跟妳說時,妳己經走了. 或者冥冥中總有主宰 , 妳我是無緣做夫妻.
今日我去律師事務所幫你問了如果離婚我要分多少錢給妳,
哪知律師看了妳寫給我的那封信 ,就說一分錢都不需要給.
那也好, 保重.
註 : 我不記得我是否有跟妳說過, 我這一生最好的朋友, 偉文 , 是一個變性人, 十年前原本是??個女人, 不過我希望呢對妳不會造成問題 .
妳的前任老公 .......David
經過我詳細的考慮, 我認為我還是離開你比較好. 我們一起己經七年了 , 七年來我自問盡力做一個好太太. 昨日我剛剛收到你公司的來電, 得知你己離職的消息. 老實說, 我對你的將來有一點擔憂.
上星期, 我去剪了一個新髮型, 煮了一些你愛吃的, 買了套新的睡衣. 你回到家 , 餐飯吃了兩分鐘你就去看電視 , 看完電視就去睡覺, 看都不看我一眼. 我多渴望你可以抱我一下, 說一聲你愛我, 即使是騙我也好 .
無論如何, 我走了, 保重
註: 請不要找我. 我己經搬去同偉文一齊住. 重新建立一個美好的生活.
你的前任太太 Tian
-----
親愛的Tian :
收到妳的分手信, 我感到無限傷心.
不錯妳我在一起己經七年. 只不過你是否是一個好太太, 我內心郤有疑問 .
我去看電視只是因為我不想聽妳嘮叨, 不過似乎作用不大.
當然我上星期我留意到你剪短了頭髮.
不過我見到第一個印象覺得妳好似一個男人 .
妳要知道我不是講假話, 又不想傷妳心. 所以我沒講甚麼.
妳煮那餐晚餐確是花了很多心思 , 不過不知你記不記得,
還是妳煮飯時當我是偉文,我己經不吃豬肉十幾年了. 可能你太大意了 , 妳那套睡衣上星期穿著時忘記除去價錢牌,上面寫著$4,999. 上星期偉文向我借了五千元, 我希望呢是一個巧合.
但無論如何, 我內心還是愛著妳的. 所以當我知道自己中了三億大樂透時 , 立即辭職買了兩張機票, 想著和妳去夏威夷渡假.
但當我回到家想跟妳說時,妳己經走了. 或者冥冥中總有主宰 , 妳我是無緣做夫妻.
今日我去律師事務所幫你問了如果離婚我要分多少錢給妳,
哪知律師看了妳寫給我的那封信 ,就說一分錢都不需要給.
那也好, 保重.
註 : 我不記得我是否有跟妳說過, 我這一生最好的朋友, 偉文 , 是一個變性人, 十年前原本是??個女人, 不過我希望呢對妳不會造成問題 .
妳的前任老公 .......David
Jun 17, 2009
The Rooster
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm, The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we 've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm, The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we 've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Jun 16, 2009
Mafia Godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Jun 15, 2009
Jokes: The heart transplant
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.
The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.
Which do you want?"
After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
"It was easy," explained the patient...
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.
The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.
Which do you want?"
After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
"It was easy," explained the patient...
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
Jun 14, 2009
Life and Death Matter
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
Jun 13, 2009
Beating the competitors
It's about a shop owner's worst nightmares coming true because a direct competitor moves into the shop right next door to him.
To make matters worse, within just a few hours this new guy has put up a huge sign that says "We Offer The Best Deals"
The next day it get's worst...
Our shop owner arrives to find yet another competitor moving in to the empty shop at the other side of him - And this guy is painting a big sign on his window that says "We Offer The Lowest Prices".
Clearly the shop owner is worried to death, he's about to be forced out of business and lose everything he has so he spends all morning racking his brains to find a way to turn things to his advantage...
Finally it comes to him
Next day he's outside the shop bright and early, and he proudly unveiled a big new sign over his front door.
It read, "Main Entrance"!
To make matters worse, within just a few hours this new guy has put up a huge sign that says "We Offer The Best Deals"
The next day it get's worst...
Our shop owner arrives to find yet another competitor moving in to the empty shop at the other side of him - And this guy is painting a big sign on his window that says "We Offer The Lowest Prices".
Clearly the shop owner is worried to death, he's about to be forced out of business and lose everything he has so he spends all morning racking his brains to find a way to turn things to his advantage...
Finally it comes to him
Next day he's outside the shop bright and early, and he proudly unveiled a big new sign over his front door.
It read, "Main Entrance"!
Jun 12, 2009
Sex Toy
Fred and Ethel had been married for 20 years, but Ethel had finally gotten sick and tired of one of Fred's strange habits.
Every time they made love, Fred insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years Ethel felt this was ridiculous, and figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw Fred was using a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
"I'll explain the toy," Fred says, looking her straight in the eyes, "if you explain the kids."
Every time they made love, Fred insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years Ethel felt this was ridiculous, and figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw Fred was using a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
"I'll explain the toy," Fred says, looking her straight in the eyes, "if you explain the kids."
Jun 11, 2009
Hooker and Taxi Driver
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Jun 10, 2009
Jun 9, 2009
Email jokes
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Jun 8, 2009
I'm not a gynecologist, I'm a dentist
A women goes to a dentist for tooth extraction, Doctor tell her 2 lie down and gets ready with tools.
The lady lifts her skirt.
Doctor says," I'm not a gynecologist, I'm a dentist !!"
She says "I want to get my hubby's tooth removed!"
The lady lifts her skirt.
Doctor says," I'm not a gynecologist, I'm a dentist !!"
She says "I want to get my hubby's tooth removed!"
Jun 7, 2009
Net BUZZ: Why one wife now chooses to shop alone
HERE's proof of what can happen when a woman drags her highly disinterested husband or boyfriend along when shopping. This letter was sent by a British hypermart to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs Murray,
While we thank you for your valued patronage and use of our store layalty card, the manager of our store is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of just some of the offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:
- 15 Jun: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
- 2 Jul: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at a fiver-minute intervals.
- 14 Aug: Moved a "Caution - Wet floor" sign to a carpeted area.
- 4 Oct: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror to pick his nose.
- 3 Dec: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
- 18 Dec: Hid in a clothing rack and yelled, "Pick me, pick me!"
- 23 Dec: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, then yelled very loudly: "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Store manager
- Spotted by Derrick Soo
Jun 6, 2009
Father of many and his collar
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father".
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar".
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father".
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar".
Jun 5, 2009
Boss n Secretary
Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.
His secretary walked up to him and asked: "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your gate?"
Boss was not smart enough to understand, so he went back into his office looking a bit puzzled !
When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up.
He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, then boss finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, He said: "When you saw the gate open did you see my BMW parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said: "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Kancil 600cc with 2 flat tyre".
Boss went back to his office mumering ................. Nabeh !
His secretary walked up to him and asked: "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your gate?"
Boss was not smart enough to understand, so he went back into his office looking a bit puzzled !
When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up.
He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, then boss finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, He said: "When you saw the gate open did you see my BMW parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said: "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Kancil 600cc with 2 flat tyre".
Boss went back to his office mumering ................. Nabeh !
Jun 4, 2009
Computer screen saver jokes
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Jun 3, 2009
5 years old won't get pregnant
..in a kindergarten class, a little gurl ask: ma'am! do 40 years old get pregnant?
yes! the teacher said.
Gurl: How about 20 years old?
Ma'am: YES
Gurl: How about 5 years old?
Ma'am: NO!
( a little boy whispered to the gurl )
Boy: SEE! I told you not to worry.
yes! the teacher said.
Gurl: How about 20 years old?
Ma'am: YES
Gurl: How about 5 years old?
Ma'am: NO!
( a little boy whispered to the gurl )
Boy: SEE! I told you not to worry.
Jun 2, 2009
No BMW, no house, no million dollars, no 7 inches penis
A gorgeous lady sitting alone in the bar, a guy approached her...
Guy: Hi! can i have your Mobile phone number?
Lady: If you have a BMW, a house in Palm island, a million dollars bank accounts and a seven inches PENIS which I'm yours, ...you don't have? ... so... my answer is NO.
Guy: Yeah, I don't have any of those... I have a VIPER, i own an island and I have a billion dollars bank account and excuse me! ... I won't cut my PENIS three inches short, just to have your number!!!
Guy: Hi! can i have your Mobile phone number?
Lady: If you have a BMW, a house in Palm island, a million dollars bank accounts and a seven inches PENIS which I'm yours, ...you don't have? ... so... my answer is NO.
Guy: Yeah, I don't have any of those... I have a VIPER, i own an island and I have a billion dollars bank account and excuse me! ... I won't cut my PENIS three inches short, just to have your number!!!
Jun 1, 2009
Internet password jokes
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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