The Sick Girl

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'For the sick'."

Petting

Jeremy and Kris are walking down the street and they see a dog licking himself.

Jeremy says, 'Man, I wish I could do that!'

Kris replied, 'I think you'd have to pet him first.'

Monica Lewinsky

There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would "go down" in history.

The Alcohol Test

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.

He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.

After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,

"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

"She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

Volunteer

11 people hanging on a rope from a helicopter:

10 men and 1 woman....

the rope wasn't strong enough for all 11.. 1 had to let go. they couldn't decide who

the woman then gave a speech, " i will voluntarily let go the rope 'coz as a woman, i am used to giving up everything for my husband and kids or 4 men in general... i'm used to always making sacrifices with little in return."

all the men clapped their hands...

Satisfaction

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No'.

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian'.

Holy Conversation

A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the evening.

One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang.

His wife answered and whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

The Cause Of Death

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.

He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the
ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:

"Throw me my 7-iron!

Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

Tried and trusted

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Bathroom help

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Kittens

A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "how did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Bless us

A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers.

Father : "Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee."

Twins : "Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."

The Biker

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

Wrong Service

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"

So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.

The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.

The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.

The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.

When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"

The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."

Misconception

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it helped. You should try it too!"

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.

The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.

"I see you followed my advice?"

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

The Broken Hearted Man

This guy walks into a bar and buys a bottle of vodka and sculls it down in front of the bartender.

The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".
The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he was gay."

The bartender replies, "that ain't good," just before the guy collapses on the floor in front of him.

The next day the same guy comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.
"The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong this time?"

The guy goes, "My youngest son just told my he was gay."

Once again the bartender goes "Mate, that's fucken shockin," just like before the guy collapses on the floor again.

The guy walks again the next day and buys a bottle of vodka.

The bartender goes "Mate, isn't there anyone in you're family that likes pussy?"

The guy goes, "Apparently my wife does."

The Army Of The Church

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

One Funny Day

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes...

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

Conflicting Neighbors

One winter day, Adam's neighbor Joe, came up to Adam's door and started pounding on it with a great deal of anger.

Adam came to the door to see a red faced Joe screaming obscenities.

Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pissing in my snow bank!!!!!

Adam: How do you know it was my son?

Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!!

Adam: Well.. I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell you, I'm not sure what you're so fired up about, is it really that bad?

Joe: (screaming): What I'm most angry about is it's my daughters handwriting!!!

Presidents In Heaven

Barrack Obama has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You are on my list but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Obama thought that it sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.

He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks - All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.

In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said................... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Sperm bank

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."

"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.

She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.

She takes the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.

"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"

The Greatest Chance

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.

"What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

The Men In Titanic

The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.

So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.

To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.

To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.

To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.

To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.

Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:

"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."

The Golf Ball

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

The Wise Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, Can your dog perform other tricks?"

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation, she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'

The Easter Bunny

"A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Virgin Computer Geeks

Two computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!"

"Good choice," said the first. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Keeping The Rabbi

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

The Revenge

There were two high school sweethearts who dated chastely for all four years of high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast while the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

The Wife Material

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.

Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"