I have one crime story tell you......
There are 5 friends living in a room. Their name are: Crazy, Fool, Brain, Somebody and Nobody.
One day Somebody killed Nobody, and Brain was in bathroom. Crazy called police.
Crazy: Sir, Somebody killed Nobody.
Police: Don't you have Brain?
Crazy: Brain was in bathroom.
Police: Are you Crazy?
Crazy: Yes, I am.
Police: You really fool.
Crazy: No, sir Fool's reading.....
Can you see it?
Dec 31, 2008
Dec 30, 2008
Dying of AIDS
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor after an examination, sighed & said, "I have some bad news,you have cancer & you'd best put your affairs in order". The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself & walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, & we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer, let's head to the club & have a martini". After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs & more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends were aghast & gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over & whispered, " Momma, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, & you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS".
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone".
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS". The friends were aghast & gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over & whispered, " Momma, i thought you said you were dying of cancer, & you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS".
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone".
Dec 29, 2008
A calm & respectable lady went into the pharmacy & walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide".
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big, he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill you husband. That's against the law, I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen, absolutely not, you cannot have cyanide".
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION".
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big, he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill you husband. That's against the law, I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen, absolutely not, you cannot have cyanide".
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION".
Dec 28, 2008
Better Sex
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later]
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but *I* think your wife's a way better lay."
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later]
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but *I* think your wife's a way better lay."
Dec 27, 2008
It takes an Italian to make a woman feel like a woman
On a recent trans Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die", she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, reviled, at the desperate woman in front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark hair & hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle toward the woman, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves
He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest.
She grasps.....
He whispers: "Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die", she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, reviled, at the desperate woman in front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark hair & hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle toward the woman, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves
He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest.
She grasps.....
He whispers: "Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
Dec 26, 2008
Getting Hard
A young man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Dec 25, 2008
Matchstick
One day, a matchstick feels his head damn itchy so he scratch it furiously and suddenly *POOF*, his head burst into a flame! "Blah Blah Blah!!", he started cursing. He was then admitted to the hospital. So now, guess what he became when he was discharged the next day?
Cotton bud - Whole head bandaged
Cotton bud - Whole head bandaged
Dec 24, 2008
Christmas Eve Joke
3 men died on Christmas eve & were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates, "In honor of this holy season", Saint Peter said, "You must each posses something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".
The 1st man fumbles through his pockets & pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle.", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.
The 2nd man reached into his pocket & pulled out a set of keys. He shook them & said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The 3rd man started searching desperately through his pockets & finally pulled out women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow & asked, "And just what to do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols"
The 1st man fumbles through his pockets & pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle.", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.
The 2nd man reached into his pocket & pulled out a set of keys. He shook them & said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The 3rd man started searching desperately through his pockets & finally pulled out women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow & asked, "And just what to do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols"
Submarine Sinks
There's one hundred people weighing 100kg each in a submarine.
Why did the submarine sink?
Because submarines are meant to be submerged.
Why did the submarine sink?
Because submarines are meant to be submerged.
Dec 23, 2008
Ten Ants
An ant knocks the door of a HDB flat.
House owner opens the door. "I want a place to stay", said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner.
Ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this ant to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow that ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continued i.e ant brings in one more ant and owner agrees for it.
On one fine day, the ant brought in tenth ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth ant also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".
Now the question is Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth ant came in?
Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants)
House owner opens the door. "I want a place to stay", said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner.
Ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this ant to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow that ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continued i.e ant brings in one more ant and owner agrees for it.
On one fine day, the ant brought in tenth ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth ant also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".
Now the question is Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth ant came in?
Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants)
Dec 22, 2008
Perm Hair
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So, Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, ok!"
So, Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, ok!"
Dec 21, 2008
Dec 20, 2008
Dec 19, 2008
Latest Christmas Carol for 2008
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town
It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!
Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.
Dec 18, 2008
Bear Hunter
A man was hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bears on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose, the bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible & so the man, who had never been particularly religious prayed, "God if you will make this bear a Christian, I will be happy with whatever you give me for the rest of my life". The bear was no more than 3 feet away when it stopped, looked up the sky and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partak, Amen".
Dec 17, 2008
Searching for a Husband
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
Dec 16, 2008
30 Years Younger Wife
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!
..the husband became 92 years old.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!
..the husband became 92 years old.
Dec 15, 2008
Bachelors
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner.
One friend asked, "It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?"
The friend replied, "Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!"
One friend asked, "It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?"
The friend replied, "Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!"
Dec 14, 2008
Comparative Study: Appraisal and Resignation
In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors & failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements & success.
In appraisal u may need to cry & beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation u can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying u didn't meet the expectation, u don't have leadership qualities, & u had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say u are the core member of team, u are the vision of the company how can u go, u have to take the project in shoulder & lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after u put the resignation.
So, if u want your appraisal, submit your resignation immediately.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements & success.
In appraisal u may need to cry & beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation u can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying u didn't meet the expectation, u don't have leadership qualities, & u had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say u are the core member of team, u are the vision of the company how can u go, u have to take the project in shoulder & lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after u put the resignation.
So, if u want your appraisal, submit your resignation immediately.
Dec 13, 2008
Future Family
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
Dec 12, 2008
The Idiot, Philosopher and Mathematician
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven
Dec 11, 2008
Getting Married
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighbourhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom, I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls... you're NOT his son!!"
With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom, I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls... you're NOT his son!!"
Dec 10, 2008
Smart Student
A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
Dec 9, 2008
New to His Post
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel, hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
Dec 8, 2008
Modern Love Letter and Reply
Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years...
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
Dec 7, 2008
Irresistible to women
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."
POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!
He turned into a box of chocolates.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."
POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!
He turned into a box of chocolates.
Dec 6, 2008
Impotency
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. You want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. You want to see the Doctor about impotence, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
'No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours.'
Dec 5, 2008
Snail wins Bee
蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶，蝴蝶却嫁给了蜗牛。
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
Dec 4, 2008
Dec 3, 2008
Duck and Crab Race
鸭子和螃蟹赛跑,一起到达终点，难分胜负，
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
Dec 2, 2008
Frog Couple
兩只青蛙相爱了，结婚后生了一个蛤蟆，
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
Dec 1, 2008
Man and his Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
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