Why office staff are always dead tired

Have you wondered why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees? The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:

1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around in circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire

NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!

One Day at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru

A Singapore family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facility, they came to visit Grandpa:

“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.

“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.

“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.

“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”

“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”

“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”

“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”

The pilot and his wife

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security , super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Blind date jokes

Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all nigh?"

"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."

That night Bob knocks at the girl's door.

When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Jokes: Terms and Meanings, Definitions

MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:A place where everybody talks,nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:A place where u can relax after your strenuous home life
YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open
their mouth
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes
ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions
PHILOSOPHER:A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER: A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL:A guy no different from the other,unless he gets caught
BOSS:Someone who is early when u are late and late when u are early
POLITICIAN:One who shakes ur hand before elections and ur Confidence Later
DOCTOR:A person who kills ur ills by pills,and kills u by his bills!
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

The Lawyer and the Banker

A lawyer and and a Banker are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that all Banker are so dumb that he could get over on them, easily. So the lawyer asks if the Banker would like to play a fun game.

The Banker is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Banker's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Banker doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?

Now, it's the Banker's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Banker and hands him $500. The Banker pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Banker up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Banker reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Banker.

No toilet paper

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Comic: Don't cover. Otherwise we both have to die!

Why human has two hands

Why woman has two hands?


Why man has two hands?

Medical claim

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges RM230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from Medical Claim!"

Know Your Customers

A disappointed salesman of Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...





First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And then these posters were pasted all over the place

"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should had!? said the salesman, "I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"

Comic - Bruce Lee

Love the way... in and out...

Love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh and makes a creamy foamy liquid as it thrusts in and out, up and down, can't wait for the next time.

Love my toothbrush.

Swine flu - health warning

Check out below the look of a human after he was infected by swine flu a long time ago in Chinese history.

Come to work happy

Wife-isms

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Sacha Guitry

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
- Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
- Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
- James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
- Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous

Technology jokes

An American, a Japanese, and a Singh were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Singh felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.

When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead to be embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Singh explained,"I'm getting a FAX."

Prison vs. Job

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..


IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself.


IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.


IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .


IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .

AT WORK
you have to share .


IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.


IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.



Hmm? Which sounds better?

So what are you waiting for...

Kill your Boss & go to prison

Dirty jokes: Pussy and cock

Rooster and cat are going over bridge. Cat slips and falls into the river. Rooster can't stop laughing.

What is the moral of the story?

Wherever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.

Successful sons

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics & Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said, 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said, 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied, 'My son is a gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said, 'What a shame...!!! What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied, 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

More shit

The lower status you are in, the more shit you get

Who is stronger, man or woman?

Question: Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?

Answer: A woman because she lifts two mountains on her chest while a man lifts two stones with the help of a crane.

H1N1 Song

MEN

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Song dedication

小女孩：我可以點歌嗎？
播音員：可以呀！妳想點給誰聽？

Little girl: Can I dedicate a song?
DJ: Yes! Who is this song for?

小女孩：我想點給我媽媽聽
播音員：好乖！妳幾歲？

Little girl: It's for my mum.
DJ: So nice of you! How old are you?

小女孩：我十歲
播音員：十歲？！才國小三年及是吧？妳該不會是點童謠吧？

Little girl: I'm ten.
DJ: You're only in the elementary year 3? Is the song a children's song?

小女孩：我點給媽媽聽的，不是童謠啦！
播音員：那為什麼會想點給媽媽聽？

Little girl: It's for my mum and not a children's song!
DJ: Why do you want to dedicate it for your mum?

小女孩：我媽媽很辛苦，星期一到星期五都要加班到很晚才回家，回到家還要整理家務，整理完後還要檢查我的作業，幫我復習功課，又預習功課，都要到半夜才能睡覺，很累！
播音員：哇！光聽就很累。

Little girl: My mum has a hard life. Every weekday, she has to work overtime and return home to do household chores before checking on my homework. She would help me to do revision and she can only sleep in the midnight. She's so tired!
DJ: Wow! I can feel the tiredness.

小女孩：而且星期六、日好不容易休假，媽媽都還到書局找各種練習題回來給我做，幾乎是從來不休息的，這樣犧牲休假不是很可惜嗎？
播音員：這倒是真的。妳想點誰的歌？

Little girl: Whereas, she could have rested at home, she would go to the bookshop to find assessment books for me to do. She doesn't rest! Isn't she very pitiful for wasting her rest time?
DJ: Yes, you're right. What song do you want to dedicate?

小女孩：是辛曉琪的歌
播音員：不錯喔，曲風成熟有韻味，妳媽咪一定會很喜歡而且感動，說不定會掉眼淚呢！快告訴我是那一首？我一定也會感同深受掉眼淚。

Little girl: It's a song sung by Xin Xiao Qi.
DJ: Not bad! Her songs are mature. Your mum would definitely like it and be touched. She might even tear! Quick, tell me what song is it? I would definitely cry too.

小女孩：是『女人何苦為難女人』
播音員：％＃＄！＊＠．.

Little girl: It's "Why should woman make things difficult for woman?"
DJ: ％＃＄！＊＠．.

Finally I get this 6 answers

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down,make a tire,and call it aGoodyear

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come,they're wild n wet. But when they go,they take ur house n car with them

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls toscratch.AND:

Q:WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Talk after sex

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

The Brilliant Mathematics

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

My grandma is smart

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Genie grants the wish

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Please come in to my room

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."