Dec 29, 2009
Why the sea tasted salty?
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
Dec 23, 2009
Johnny wants to go home for Christmas
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
..........Poor TIGER, even he's not spared by Johnny
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
..........Poor TIGER, even he's not spared by Johnny
Dec 16, 2009
Repeated jokes
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added : "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.
Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste!
He Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added : "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.
Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste!
Dec 13, 2009
Sinned Love
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell me all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard, and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass,
and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell me all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard, and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass,
and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
Dec 10, 2009
Dirty Football Sayings
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
Dec 9, 2009
The Disappearance
A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
But being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Dec 8, 2009
Blonde Suicide
A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.
A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope swinging.
She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
The old lady says "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the waist."
The blonde responses, "Yeah giving me trouble again, I tried that, but I could not breathe."
A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope swinging.
She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
The old lady says "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the waist."
The blonde responses, "Yeah giving me trouble again, I tried that, but I could not breathe."
Dec 7, 2009
Free money
There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.
A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.
"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."
"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."
A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.
"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."
"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."
Dec 6, 2009
Promises
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Baby, remember that blow job I promised you?"
And she blew the ashes in the patio...
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Baby, remember that blow job I promised you?"
And she blew the ashes in the patio...
Dec 5, 2009
The Husband's Wrath
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him.
They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98..
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him.
They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98..
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'
Dec 4, 2009
The Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
Dec 3, 2009
Misperception
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black guy standing next to him.
The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy fainted!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said
'Turn around!!'"
The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy fainted!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said
'Turn around!!'"
Dec 2, 2009
A Voice From Above
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,"Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,"Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"
Dec 1, 2009
The Soft-hearted Blonde
One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner.
When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"
"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.
"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.
"Absolutely," said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"
"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.
"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.
"Absolutely," said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
Nov 30, 2009
The Sick Girl
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'For the sick'."
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'For the sick'."
Nov 29, 2009
Petting
Jeremy and Kris are walking down the street and they see a dog licking himself.
Jeremy says, 'Man, I wish I could do that!'
Kris replied, 'I think you'd have to pet him first.'
Jeremy says, 'Man, I wish I could do that!'
Kris replied, 'I think you'd have to pet him first.'
Nov 28, 2009
Monica Lewinsky
There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would "go down" in history.
Nov 27, 2009
The Alcohol Test
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Nov 26, 2009
Volunteer
11 people hanging on a rope from a helicopter:
10 men and 1 woman....
the rope wasn't strong enough for all 11.. 1 had to let go. they couldn't decide who
the woman then gave a speech, " i will voluntarily let go the rope 'coz as a woman, i am used to giving up everything for my husband and kids or 4 men in general... i'm used to always making sacrifices with little in return."
all the men clapped their hands...
10 men and 1 woman....
the rope wasn't strong enough for all 11.. 1 had to let go. they couldn't decide who
the woman then gave a speech, " i will voluntarily let go the rope 'coz as a woman, i am used to giving up everything for my husband and kids or 4 men in general... i'm used to always making sacrifices with little in return."
all the men clapped their hands...
Nov 25, 2009
Satisfaction
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No'.
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian'.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No'.
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian'.
Nov 24, 2009
Holy Conversation
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang.
His wife answered and whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang.
His wife answered and whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
Nov 23, 2009
The Cause Of Death
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the
ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:
"Throw me my 7-iron!
Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the
ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:
"Throw me my 7-iron!
Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Nov 22, 2009
Tried and trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Nov 21, 2009
Bathroom help
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
Nov 20, 2009
Kittens
A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "how did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Nov 19, 2009
Bless us
A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers.
Father : "Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee."
Twins : "Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."
Father : "Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee."
Twins : "Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV."
Nov 18, 2009
The Biker
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
Nov 17, 2009
Wrong Service
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.
The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.
The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.
When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."
So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.
The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.
The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.
When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."
Nov 16, 2009
Misconception
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it helped. You should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?"
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it helped. You should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?"
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
Nov 15, 2009
The Broken Hearted Man
This guy walks into a bar and buys a bottle of vodka and sculls it down in front of the bartender.
The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".
The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he was gay."
The bartender replies, "that ain't good," just before the guy collapses on the floor in front of him.
The next day the same guy comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.
"The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong this time?"
The guy goes, "My youngest son just told my he was gay."
Once again the bartender goes "Mate, that's fucken shockin," just like before the guy collapses on the floor again.
The guy walks again the next day and buys a bottle of vodka.
The bartender goes "Mate, isn't there anyone in you're family that likes pussy?"
The guy goes, "Apparently my wife does."
The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".
The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he was gay."
The bartender replies, "that ain't good," just before the guy collapses on the floor in front of him.
The next day the same guy comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.
"The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong this time?"
The guy goes, "My youngest son just told my he was gay."
Once again the bartender goes "Mate, that's fucken shockin," just like before the guy collapses on the floor again.
The guy walks again the next day and buys a bottle of vodka.
The bartender goes "Mate, isn't there anyone in you're family that likes pussy?"
The guy goes, "Apparently my wife does."
Nov 14, 2009
The Army Of The Church
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Nov 13, 2009
One Funny Day
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes...
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes...
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
Nov 12, 2009
Conflicting Neighbors
One winter day, Adam's neighbor Joe, came up to Adam's door and started pounding on it with a great deal of anger.
Adam came to the door to see a red faced Joe screaming obscenities.
Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pissing in my snow bank!!!!!
Adam: How do you know it was my son?
Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!!
Adam: Well.. I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell you, I'm not sure what you're so fired up about, is it really that bad?
Joe: (screaming): What I'm most angry about is it's my daughters handwriting!!!
Adam came to the door to see a red faced Joe screaming obscenities.
Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pissing in my snow bank!!!!!
Adam: How do you know it was my son?
Joe: That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!!
Adam: Well.. I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell you, I'm not sure what you're so fired up about, is it really that bad?
Joe: (screaming): What I'm most angry about is it's my daughters handwriting!!!
Nov 11, 2009
Presidents In Heaven
Barrack Obama has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Obama thought that it sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks - All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said................... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Obama thought that it sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks - All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said................... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
Nov 10, 2009
Sperm bank
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."
"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.
"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"
"Open the goddamn safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank."
"Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement, it`s her husband.
"There," he says, "it`s not that fucking difficult, I told you!"
Nov 9, 2009
The Greatest Chance
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
Nov 8, 2009
The Men In Titanic
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Chinese and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped..."
Nov 7, 2009
The Golf Ball
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
Nov 6, 2009
The Wise Dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation, she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, Can your dog perform other tricks?"
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation, she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'
Nov 5, 2009
The Easter Bunny
"A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Nov 4, 2009
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Nov 3, 2009
Virgin Computer Geeks
Two computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!"
"Good choice," said the first. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!"
"Good choice," said the first. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Nov 2, 2009
Keeping The Rabbi
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
Nov 1, 2009
The Revenge
There were two high school sweethearts who dated chastely for all four years of high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast while the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
The Wife Material
He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"
Oct 30, 2009
The Arrangement
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
Oct 29, 2009
The One-Day Delicacy
A Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."
Oct 28, 2009
Oct 27, 2009
The solution
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Oct 26, 2009
The Customer
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.
At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor.
“How much do you want for that whistle?”
At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor.
“How much do you want for that whistle?”
Oct 25, 2009
The P. S. (Post Script)
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.
Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man.
Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
Oct 24, 2009
The Man, The Chicken And The Officer
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!!"
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
"Your turn!!"
Oct 23, 2009
The Skeleton In The Closet
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Oct 22, 2009
Magic Tricks
Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Oct 21, 2009
Wet Cat
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
Oct 20, 2009
Little Red Riding Hood
Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood, "Lift your top so i can suck your tits."
"no, she said." while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!"
"no, she said." while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!"
Oct 19, 2009
Playing Spades
Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Oct 18, 2009
Melt the condoms
If u have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms to make a tire what would you call it?
a fucking goodyear!
a fucking goodyear!
Oct 17, 2009
Save a smile
The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%.
Suck a dick and save a smile...
Suck a dick and save a smile...
Oct 15, 2009
My Donation
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to forget about it!!
Anybody who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!!
I told them to forget about it!!
Anybody who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!!
Oct 14, 2009
Oct 13, 2009
The Sex Partner
A Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies,
"If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies,
"If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Oct 12, 2009
The Last Virgin Blonde
A Blonde church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know 'I haven't had the flu all winter?
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know 'I haven't had the flu all winter?
Oct 11, 2009
Simple Explanation
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company.
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."
Oct 10, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: AM and PM
A man asked Ah Beng why Najib goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Najib is PM not AM
Oct 9, 2009
The Scotsman's Kilt
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.
Oct 8, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Water the Plants
Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
Oct 7, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Future Tense
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
Oct 6, 2009
To All My Female Friends & Their Men
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).
The judge told him, 'In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.'
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'
The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'
So ladies try to move a little during the game even if you're just faking it... as we all do... lol ha ha ha ... now we're busted...
The judge told him, 'In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.'
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'
The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'
So ladies try to move a little during the game even if you're just faking it... as we all do... lol ha ha ha ... now we're busted...
Oct 5, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Only the Winner
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
Oct 4, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Weather Forecast
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
Oct 3, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: How do you know?
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
Oct 2, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: School
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
Oct 1, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Parking Fine
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."
Sep 30, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: All items are missing
Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."
Sep 29, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Oh My God
Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! U have come again."
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! U have come again."
Sep 28, 2009
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the seashore."
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the seashore."
Sep 27, 2009
Men Never Listen
A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
"Oh, that's him I have on my back."
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
"Oh, that's him I have on my back."
Sep 26, 2009
The sex style
A wife gave birth to a quadruplet....
upon seeing her husband,
she gets up from her bed and slapped him shouting:
LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN YOUR DOGSTYLE????
WE HAVE A LOT OF PUPPIES NOW!
upon seeing her husband,
she gets up from her bed and slapped him shouting:
LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN YOUR DOGSTYLE????
WE HAVE A LOT OF PUPPIES NOW!
Sep 25, 2009
The Victorian Police Test
A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Sep 24, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Remarry
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Sep 23, 2009
The Blonde's Stain
A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners on the way out of the door, the lady at the counter says,
"Come again"
The blonde says,
"No it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"
"Come again"
The blonde says,
"No it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"
Sep 22, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Play football
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
Sep 21, 2009
Indon, Bangla & Malaysian
An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian Chinese are in a bar one night having a beer. The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi is obviously impressed. When he finished his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.
He says "Nyamah! In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Bangladeshi is obviously impressed. When he finished his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.
He says "Nyamah! In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Sep 20, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: Studying
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
Sep 19, 2009
I e-meow U, U e-meow me
This is REALLY FUNNY!
The Malaysian Ministry of Education (MOE) are reverting back to teaching Science and Mathematic in Bahasa Malaysia.
If we do not oppose now, a lot of our young generation of Msians are going to speak and write like this soon....
Enjoy.
Dear Ah Lian
Thanks you for your letters. Wrong time no see you. How anything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your face look? Somemore you must wear high hill kick kok shoe, hope you can wok properly wit out felling over.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working start in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his junk friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. We so drown we no go toilet but pee pees on the floor.
Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family. My brother eye deer also to in white the kampong head.
I only hope one day we no need write you and send litters to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup you soon. And when you got time, please few free call up to me. Good bye.....
Wormedst regret,
Ah Beng
The Malaysian Ministry of Education (MOE) are reverting back to teaching Science and Mathematic in Bahasa Malaysia.
If we do not oppose now, a lot of our young generation of Msians are going to speak and write like this soon....
Enjoy.
Dear Ah Lian
Thanks you for your letters. Wrong time no see you. How anything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your face look? Somemore you must wear high hill kick kok shoe, hope you can wok properly wit out felling over.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working start in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his junk friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. We so drown we no go toilet but pee pees on the floor.
Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family. My brother eye deer also to in white the kampong head.
I only hope one day we no need write you and send litters to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup you soon. And when you got time, please few free call up to me. Good bye.....
Wormedst regret,
Ah Beng
Sep 18, 2009
Small, smaller
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
Sep 17, 2009
A piece of advice while flying
After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home to Singapore.
As the plane reached cruising altitude & speed with the seat belt sign switched off,
a 6-footer man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled "HIJACK!"
Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.
Two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"
The moral of the story is:
If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever "Hi" him in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep shit!
As the plane reached cruising altitude & speed with the seat belt sign switched off,
a 6-footer man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled "HIJACK!"
Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.
Two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"
The moral of the story is:
If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever "Hi" him in the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep shit!
Sep 16, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes: New Mobile
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
"My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"
Sep 15, 2009
Ugly baby
Woman with a baby on a bus -
Driver: "What an ugly baby!"
Hurt, the woman went to another seat.
The Man next to her asked: "What's wrong, lady?"
Woman: "The driver just insulted me."
Man: "What a jerk! He should respect you! Go get his name and ID number. Come on, I'll hold your monkey for you"
Driver: "What an ugly baby!"
Hurt, the woman went to another seat.
The Man next to her asked: "What's wrong, lady?"
Woman: "The driver just insulted me."
Man: "What a jerk! He should respect you! Go get his name and ID number. Come on, I'll hold your monkey for you"
Sep 14, 2009
Brain
I met a crazy woman, And I asked her,
What is greater, heart or brain?
She answered me, laughing
"I lost my brain because of love,
But I lost my love because I followed my brain."
What is greater, heart or brain?
She answered me, laughing
"I lost my brain because of love,
But I lost my love because I followed my brain."
Sep 13, 2009
Wait a Minute
Teacher: "How long is a minute?"
Student: "Which kind of a minute do you mean, Ma'am - a real minute - or "wait a minute"?"
Student: "Which kind of a minute do you mean, Ma'am - a real minute - or "wait a minute"?"
Sep 12, 2009
Wanna Know Why Are You So Tired At The End Of Each Work Day?!!!
Have you wondered why office staffs are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees? The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around incircles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around incircles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Sep 11, 2009
Malaysian Education System - A Very Wise View
A Very Wise View from Datuk Dr Agoes Salim...
The objective of STPM is to pass people?
How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the exams of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed? Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?
Let me put things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:
"In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?"
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Yeah!!!!.... 60% managed to pass! So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. So last year, they came out with this gem:
"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"
13% (smart students) handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", 10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and 20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".
The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course! After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. 87%!!!!!.... ........now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!
Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one.
Duh......
The objective of STPM is to pass people?
How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the exams of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed? Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?
Let me put things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:
"In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?"
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Yeah!!!!.... 60% managed to pass! So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. So last year, they came out with this gem:
"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"
13% (smart students) handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", 10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and 20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".
The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course! After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. 87%!!!!!.... ........now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!
Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one.
Duh......
Sep 10, 2009
Sep 9, 2009
Communication gap
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Sep 8, 2009
Three Phases of Breasts and Penis
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
Sep 7, 2009
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
If they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Sep 6, 2009
Best Marksman
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town, and was astonished to notice evidence of the most amazing shooting.
On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.
The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The resident introduced him to the shooter.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man.
"How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the person.
"I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.
The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The resident introduced him to the shooter.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man.
"How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the person.
"I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
Sep 5, 2009
The penis and its reply
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:I do physical labor.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects ur request for the following reasons: you do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You don't always follow the orders of the management team. You don't stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You don't take initiative-u need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before your 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags..
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects ur request for the following reasons: you do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You don't always follow the orders of the management team. You don't stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You don't take initiative-u need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before your 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags..
Sep 4, 2009
I was trying to tell you
The late Smedley D. Butler, always an impulsive man, was generally careful of the welfare of his men. One time in France he encountered two soldiers emerging from the kitchen with a large soup kettle. "Let me taste that," he ordered.
"But Gen ..."
"No buts! Give me a spoon." Taking a taste, the General sputtered, "You don't call that soup, do you?"
"No, sir," replied the soldier, "I was trying to tell you, sir, it's dishwater!"
"But Gen ..."
"No buts! Give me a spoon." Taking a taste, the General sputtered, "You don't call that soup, do you?"
"No, sir," replied the soldier, "I was trying to tell you, sir, it's dishwater!"
Sep 3, 2009
Good bye, Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."
Sep 2, 2009
How do you unlock the door?
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."
Sep 1, 2009
Ghost Sex
A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience,he asks,How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Ohhhh! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"
To get a feel for his audience,he asks,How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Ohhhh! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"
Aug 31, 2009
Why office staff are always dead tired
Have you wondered why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees? The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around in circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around in circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Aug 30, 2009
One Day at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru
A Singapore family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facility, they came to visit Grandpa:
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”
“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”
“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”
“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”
“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”
Aug 29, 2009
The pilot and his wife
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security , super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Aug 28, 2009
Blind date jokes
Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his cousin.
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all nigh?"
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door.
When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all nigh?"
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door.
When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
Aug 27, 2009
Jokes: Terms and Meanings, Definitions
MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:A place where everybody talks,nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:A place where u can relax after your strenuous home life
YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open
their mouth
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes
ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions
PHILOSOPHER:A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER: A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL:A guy no different from the other,unless he gets caught
BOSS:Someone who is early when u are late and late when u are early
POLITICIAN:One who shakes ur hand before elections and ur Confidence Later
DOCTOR:A person who kills ur ills by pills,and kills u by his bills!
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:A place where everybody talks,nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:A place where u can relax after your strenuous home life
YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open
their mouth
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes
ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions
PHILOSOPHER:A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER: A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL:A guy no different from the other,unless he gets caught
BOSS:Someone who is early when u are late and late when u are early
POLITICIAN:One who shakes ur hand before elections and ur Confidence Later
DOCTOR:A person who kills ur ills by pills,and kills u by his bills!
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
Aug 26, 2009
The Lawyer and the Banker
A lawyer and and a Banker are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that all Banker are so dumb that he could get over on them, easily. So the lawyer asks if the Banker would like to play a fun game.
The Banker is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Banker's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Banker doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Banker's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Banker and hands him $500. The Banker pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Banker up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Banker reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Banker.
The Banker is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Banker's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Banker doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Banker's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Banker and hands him $500. The Banker pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Banker up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Banker reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Banker.
Aug 25, 2009
No toilet paper
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Aug 24, 2009
Aug 23, 2009
Aug 22, 2009
Medical claim
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges RM230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from Medical Claim!"
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges RM230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from Medical Claim!"
Aug 21, 2009
Know Your Customers
A disappointed salesman of Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman, "I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman, "I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
Aug 20, 2009
Aug 19, 2009
Love the way... in and out...
Love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh and makes a creamy foamy liquid as it thrusts in and out, up and down, can't wait for the next time.
Love my toothbrush.
Love my toothbrush.
Aug 18, 2009
Swine flu - health warning
Check out below the look of a human after he was infected by swine flu a long time ago in Chinese history.
Aug 17, 2009
Aug 16, 2009
Wife-isms
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Sacha Guitry
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
- Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
- Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
- James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
- Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous
- David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Sacha Guitry
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
- Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
- Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
- James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
- Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous
Aug 15, 2009
Technology jokes
An American, a Japanese, and a Singh were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Singh felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.
When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead to be embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Singh explained,"I'm getting a FAX."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Singh felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.
When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead to be embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Singh explained,"I'm getting a FAX."
Aug 14, 2009
Prison vs. Job
IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .
AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..
IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself.
IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you
AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .
IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .
AT WORK
you have to share .
IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
Hmm? Which sounds better?
So what are you waiting for...
Kill your Boss & go to prison
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .
AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..
IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself.
IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you
AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .
IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .
AT WORK
you have to share .
IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
Hmm? Which sounds better?
So what are you waiting for...
Kill your Boss & go to prison
Aug 13, 2009
Dirty jokes: Pussy and cock
Rooster and cat are going over bridge. Cat slips and falls into the river. Rooster can't stop laughing.
What is the moral of the story?
Wherever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.
What is the moral of the story?
Wherever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.
Aug 12, 2009
Successful sons
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics & Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said, 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said, 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'
The fourth man replied, 'My son is a gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said, 'What a shame...!!! What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied, 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics & Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said, 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said, 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'
The fourth man replied, 'My son is a gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said, 'What a shame...!!! What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied, 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
Aug 11, 2009
Aug 10, 2009
Who is stronger, man or woman?
Question: Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?
Answer: A woman because she lifts two mountains on her chest while a man lifts two stones with the help of a crane.
Answer: A woman because she lifts two mountains on her chest while a man lifts two stones with the help of a crane.
Aug 9, 2009
Aug 8, 2009
MEN
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her:
'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!
I said to her:
'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED!!!
Aug 7, 2009
Song dedication
小女孩：我可以點歌嗎？
播音員：可以呀！妳想點給誰聽？
Little girl: Can I dedicate a song?
DJ: Yes! Who is this song for?
小女孩：我想點給我媽媽聽
播音員：好乖！妳幾歲？
Little girl: It's for my mum.
DJ: So nice of you! How old are you?
小女孩：我十歲
播音員：十歲？！才國小三年及是吧？妳該不會是點童謠吧？
Little girl: I'm ten.
DJ: You're only in the elementary year 3? Is the song a children's song?
小女孩：我點給媽媽聽的，不是童謠啦！
播音員：那為什麼會想點給媽媽聽？
Little girl: It's for my mum and not a children's song!
DJ: Why do you want to dedicate it for your mum?
小女孩：我媽媽很辛苦，星期一到星期五都要加班到很晚才回家，回到家還要整理家務，整理完後還要檢查我的作業，幫我復習功課，又預習功課，都要到半夜才能睡覺，很累！
播音員：哇！光聽就很累。
Little girl: My mum has a hard life. Every weekday, she has to work overtime and return home to do household chores before checking on my homework. She would help me to do revision and she can only sleep in the midnight. She's so tired!
DJ: Wow! I can feel the tiredness.
小女孩：而且星期六、日好不容易休假，媽媽都還到書局找各種練習題回來給我做，幾乎是從來不休息的，這樣犧牲休假不是很可惜嗎？
播音員：這倒是真的。妳想點誰的歌？
Little girl: Whereas, she could have rested at home, she would go to the bookshop to find assessment books for me to do. She doesn't rest! Isn't she very pitiful for wasting her rest time?
DJ: Yes, you're right. What song do you want to dedicate?
小女孩：是辛曉琪的歌
播音員：不錯喔，曲風成熟有韻味，妳媽咪一定會很喜歡而且感動，說不定會掉眼淚呢！快告訴我是那一首？我一定也會感同深受掉眼淚。
Little girl: It's a song sung by Xin Xiao Qi.
DJ: Not bad! Her songs are mature. Your mum would definitely like it and be touched. She might even tear! Quick, tell me what song is it? I would definitely cry too.
小女孩：是『女人何苦為難女人』
播音員：％＃＄！＊＠．.
Little girl: It's "Why should woman make things difficult for woman?"
DJ: ％＃＄！＊＠．.
播音員：可以呀！妳想點給誰聽？
Little girl: Can I dedicate a song?
DJ: Yes! Who is this song for?
小女孩：我想點給我媽媽聽
播音員：好乖！妳幾歲？
Little girl: It's for my mum.
DJ: So nice of you! How old are you?
小女孩：我十歲
播音員：十歲？！才國小三年及是吧？妳該不會是點童謠吧？
Little girl: I'm ten.
DJ: You're only in the elementary year 3? Is the song a children's song?
小女孩：我點給媽媽聽的，不是童謠啦！
播音員：那為什麼會想點給媽媽聽？
Little girl: It's for my mum and not a children's song!
DJ: Why do you want to dedicate it for your mum?
小女孩：我媽媽很辛苦，星期一到星期五都要加班到很晚才回家，回到家還要整理家務，整理完後還要檢查我的作業，幫我復習功課，又預習功課，都要到半夜才能睡覺，很累！
播音員：哇！光聽就很累。
Little girl: My mum has a hard life. Every weekday, she has to work overtime and return home to do household chores before checking on my homework. She would help me to do revision and she can only sleep in the midnight. She's so tired!
DJ: Wow! I can feel the tiredness.
小女孩：而且星期六、日好不容易休假，媽媽都還到書局找各種練習題回來給我做，幾乎是從來不休息的，這樣犧牲休假不是很可惜嗎？
播音員：這倒是真的。妳想點誰的歌？
Little girl: Whereas, she could have rested at home, she would go to the bookshop to find assessment books for me to do. She doesn't rest! Isn't she very pitiful for wasting her rest time?
DJ: Yes, you're right. What song do you want to dedicate?
小女孩：是辛曉琪的歌
播音員：不錯喔，曲風成熟有韻味，妳媽咪一定會很喜歡而且感動，說不定會掉眼淚呢！快告訴我是那一首？我一定也會感同深受掉眼淚。
Little girl: It's a song sung by Xin Xiao Qi.
DJ: Not bad! Her songs are mature. Your mum would definitely like it and be touched. She might even tear! Quick, tell me what song is it? I would definitely cry too.
小女孩：是『女人何苦為難女人』
播音員：％＃＄！＊＠．.
Little girl: It's "Why should woman make things difficult for woman?"
DJ: ％＃＄！＊＠．.
Aug 6, 2009
Finally I get this 6 answers
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down,make a tire,and call it aGoodyear
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come,they're wild n wet. But when they go,they take ur house n car with them
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls toscratch.AND:
Q:WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down,make a tire,and call it aGoodyear
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come,they're wild n wet. But when they go,they take ur house n car with them
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls toscratch.AND:
Q:WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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