Best Mother-in-law Joke

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

You Got Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



You got Male (mail) !

Bee joke

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered,

I'm loving it

In Memory of all those who love their bosses !

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."

学生是天才也

老师问学生: 人生自古谁无死... 你接下一句!

学生答: 人生自古谁无屎, 有谁大便不用纸!

老师很生气. 叫学生罚站.

隔年, 老师又问回同样的问题...

学生回答他答: 人生自古谁无 屎, 有谁大便不用纸.

若君不用卫生纸, 除非你是用手指.

老师很生气, 又叫学生罚站!

老师看见窗外下着雪, 就遗憾的说: 天上下雪不下雨, 雪到地上变成雨. 雪变雨来多麻烦, 为何当初不下雨...

学生又回复老师: 老师吃饭不吃屎, 饭到肚里变成屎. 饭变屎来多麻烦, 为何当初不吃屎...

老师当场晕倒!!!

The Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the "after-life" with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than Men*

No Speakah De English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig' she retorted indignantly,
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives'.

'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'

Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names

Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)

Confusing Chinese Names

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

Apartment Rent

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:


Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:


Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

Hired Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the GAY guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o 'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around
Two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Philosophy Gone Wrong - The Grasshopper and the Ant

Once upon a time, there lived an ant and a grasshopper. The grasshopper does nothing else but jump around and play. On the other hand, the ant is so hardworking, looking for food all day long and storing them in it's nest.

Looking at his hardworking friend work so hard, the grasshopper asked, "Hey, Ant! You don't have to relax ah? Always busy one. Come and play with me lah."

To which the ant replied, "I can't lah, I have to store all these food."

"Haiyah! Relax lah. Why u bother storing all these food? When u hungry just go find lah." the grasshopper replied.

"Eh,cannot lah. I have to standby for the coming winter season. Then I no need to panick mah. I think u oso better standby u know," the ant advised his friend.

"Where got time...I go play better. U wanna store food u go ahead lah. I will look for someone else to play with me ok.. bye!" And hop goes the grasshopper.

The Ant is a hardworking guy... oops i mean insect. Not like the grasshopper. But as days, weeks, months go by, the winter still has not come yet and the ant is still seen searching and storing food.

The two friends happen to meet again. "Hey Ant! U stil haven't finished storing food ah? Last time all the food go where liao? So fast finish already ah?" asked grasshopper.

"I got keep but all overdue liao. So cannot eat anymore. All because winter not here yet. Now i have to go and look for new food." sighed the ant.

"But ant ah.. U dun mind i ask ah.. Did u ever have a thought that Singapore where got winter one?" asked the grasshopper again.

"AHHHH????!!!!!" the ant was shocked!

Moral of the Story:

The moral of the story is whatever u do better think properly first. Dun anyhow hantam only... :) Sometimes we get too busy in life and following our routine too tightly but most importantly, work towards where you wanna go in your life, what is it that you want, is that what you REALLY want, what's your dream, are you moving towards your dream? If it's not, dun just keep on working hard n keep on hantaming only just because someone in your life tells you that this is the way and just
because everyone else is doing it !!

Don't just keep on working hard with no direction ....... focus in the direction of your life not your work.
Plan your life, Live life cool. :P

Jim and Mary Story

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I've good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

Morale of the Story - What you see in a person may not necessary be in that person. Never judge a person just by one correct deed. You may be into big trouble.

Funny Phrases

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect...... So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

Don't be over smart

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the Side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and to his surprise; the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The person sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.

While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him; he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfathers words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said........................

Guess What????????




................................................

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......



'You think only you have a grandfather?!!!'

Believe

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water.

“Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

“As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back.

The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive

Drunk wife

A woman went on a girls' night out, promising her husband she'd be home by midnight. The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, she went home. Just as she got in the door, their clock started up and cuckooed three times.

Realizing her husband would surely wake up, she cuckooed like the clock nine times more hoping she could fool her husband into thinking it was 12 midnight. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick and witty solution.

The next morning the husband asked her what time she got home. "Midnight," she said. He didn't seem pissed at all, which made the wife think she got away clean. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." The wife asked why. "Well, last night," said the husband, "our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table, and farted."

Bra size

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

Business & Marketing Logics

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!' That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.' That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.' That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich 'Will you marry me?' That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich, I want to marry you.' That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback