In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing the battery of my camera..
Showing posts with label animal jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label animal jokes. Show all posts
Aug 8, 2013
Jan 5, 2012
Old hunter's checkup
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Dec 4, 2009
The Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
Dec 1, 2009
The Soft-hearted Blonde
One evening a blonde went to seafood restaurant for dinner.
When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"
"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.
"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.
"Absolutely," said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
When she saw the tank where they kept the lobsters she asked a waiter, "Why are those creatures in that tank?"
"They are the lobsters we serve our customers!" answered the waiter.
"You mean you're going to kill them," said the blonde.
"Absolutely," said the waiter.
The blonde was so upset that she immediately left, drove to a nearby convenience store, purchased some hefty bags and returned to the restaurant to accomplish her covert mission.
Taking pity on the poor creatures, she waited until the moment was right, and snatched all of the lobsters from the tank, threw them in the bag, and hightailed it out of the restaurant.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
Oct 21, 2009
Wet Cat
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
Sep 25, 2009
The Victorian Police Test
A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Jul 4, 2009
How thing changes
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."
Jun 10, 2009
Dec 20, 2008
Dec 18, 2008
Bear Hunter
A man was hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bears on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose, the bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible & so the man, who had never been particularly religious prayed, "God if you will make this bear a Christian, I will be happy with whatever you give me for the rest of my life". The bear was no more than 3 feet away when it stopped, looked up the sky and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partak, Amen".
Dec 9, 2008
New to His Post
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel, hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well, sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no woman. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we keep Dolly, the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but, I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down, and has wild, passionate sex with the camel. When he has finished, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ..... They usually just ride the camel into town.....that's where the girls are."
Dec 5, 2008
Snail wins Bee
蜜蜂狂追蝴蝶，蝴蝶却嫁给了蜗牛。
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
蜜蜂不解：他哪里比我强？
蝴蝶回答：人家好歹有自己的房子，哪像你住在集体宿舍。
Bee is wooing butterfly but butterfly marries snail.
Bee asks in amazement: In what way is he better than me?
Butterfly replies: He has his own house, unlike you, sharing accommodation with others.
Dec 4, 2008
Dec 3, 2008
Duck and Crab Race
鸭子和螃蟹赛跑,一起到达终点，难分胜负，
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我，我一出总是布，他总是剪刀。
Duck and crab finish in the same position in a race.
The judge says, "You will play scissor paper stone to see who's the winner."
Duck raises his voice and scream, "Bastard! You are plotting against me! I can only show 'paper' and he will always show scissor!"
Dec 2, 2008
Frog Couple
兩只青蛙相爱了，结婚后生了一个蛤蟆，
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
公青蛙见状大怒说：贱人，怎么回事？
母青蛙哭着说：他爹，认识你之前我整过容。
Two frogs fall in love and get married, and after which, they give birth to a toad.
The husband frog, in anger, asked, "Bitch, what's happening?"
The wife frog cried, "Actually, I have gone for plastic surgery before knowing you."
Dec 1, 2008
Man and his Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
Nov 29, 2008
Sorry, I can't respond to emails today
Sorry, I can't respond to emails today. Something has crashed on my computer, and the mouse is missing.
Nov 27, 2008
Oct 17, 2008
Don't be over smart
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the Side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise; the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The person sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him; he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfathers words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said........................
Guess What????????
................................................
.........................................
..................................
.............................
.......................
...................
.................
........
......
'You think only you have a grandfather?!!!'
He looked up and to his surprise; the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The person sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him; he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfathers words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said........................
Guess What????????
................................................
.........................................
..................................
.............................
.......................
...................
.................
........
......
'You think only you have a grandfather?!!!'
Oct 16, 2008
Believe
An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water.
“Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
“As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back.
The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water.
“Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
“As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back.
The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive
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