My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
Showing posts with label adult jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adult jokes. Show all posts
Mar 7, 2012
Jan 15, 2012
The Truth is 'Out There'
WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p.ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f..k knows what!
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p.ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f..k knows what!
Nov 10, 2011
Have cum for me too
1: My pleasure. Have cum for me too!!
2: LOL
1: Oh my heavens. That was supposed to be FUN. I am mortified!! I would never say that. I am sooo sorry...
2: Freudian slip LOL I got a good laugh
1: Not freudian.... Stupid fill in in iPhone!! Glad you found it funny. I am finding that embarrassing!!!
2: LOL
1: Oh my heavens. That was supposed to be FUN. I am mortified!! I would never say that. I am sooo sorry...
2: Freudian slip LOL I got a good laugh
1: Not freudian.... Stupid fill in in iPhone!! Glad you found it funny. I am finding that embarrassing!!!
Jul 30, 2011
Cumming in his cubicle
1: I can't concentrate today. I don't want to be here!!!
2: Totally. I know.
1: Is john cumming in his cubicle? The sound is driving me nuts!
2: Omg. What are you hearing????
1: Bwahaha ***humming. Not cumming. Ewww
2: Please pass the brain bleach.
2: Totally. I know.
1: Is john cumming in his cubicle? The sound is driving me nuts!
2: Omg. What are you hearing????
1: Bwahaha ***humming. Not cumming. Ewww
2: Please pass the brain bleach.
Jul 20, 2011
My husband just got head
1: Oh you know who I hate? That Andy guy on bravo who hosts those reunions.
2: I hate Oprah Winfrey.
1: I hate Guy Fieri.
2: Hahaha I could do this all day but I gotta go. My husband just got head.
2: Here! HERE!!!
1: That was hlarious. I dont hate autocorrect!
2: I hate Oprah Winfrey.
1: I hate Guy Fieri.
2: Hahaha I could do this all day but I gotta go. My husband just got head.
2: Here! HERE!!!
1: That was hlarious. I dont hate autocorrect!
May 25, 2011
Funny sex jokes
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife,'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..Finally,they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally,they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’;
The husband leans over and asks his wife,'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..Finally,they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally,they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’;
Apr 24, 2011
Funny Video; Why so small
The Lady : what bird is this...??why so small...??
the guy : This is Import from Malaysia...!!!
The Lady : didn't see before...it looks small like kids that i saw....
the guy : it it just fly to Thailand here...
The Lady : ooo fly from far away and feather already gone...this bird bang to what why ITS head already flatten ...??go away
the guy : Nooo~~~arghhh falln*
Nov 1, 2010
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED!
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Oct 26, 2010
Buy mum
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
Aug 27, 2010
Cute and Funny Chinese Cartoon
It's in Chinese. The world is coming to an end and all the celebrities are revealing their true selves on the television programme. When the last guy, the magician, shows his true supernatural power by saving the Earth, the other celebrities quickly change back to their usual fake forms.
May 25, 2010
Mar 30, 2010
Olympic sex
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
Mar 29, 2010
Hi Facebook, I got laid
Thank you too, Michael, I had a great time as well. I'm glad you enjoyed my OTHER pussy :). I must admit, I haven't had sex in a while, so getting mounted by such a strong and powerful man was a pleasant surprise after so many long months of abstinence. I hope this message doesn't scare you off, I just wanted you to know what a wonderful time I had with you. You are permanently invited to "the-love-between-my -legs"
Mar 27, 2010
Chicken and a baby
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
Mar 25, 2010
Second time
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Mar 20, 2010
Stock market and old man's dick
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
Mar 19, 2010
Hang Till Death
The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
Mar 15, 2010
Wives are funny creatures
Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Mar 11, 2010
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.'
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.'
Feb 27, 2010
We stare because we care
This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan "We stare because we care!"
Spread the slogan "We stare because we care!"
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