TV jokes

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Stupid stands up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Johnny wants to go home for Christmas

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"



..........Poor TIGER, even he's not spared by Johnny

Bathroom help

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Ah Beng Jokes: School

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Which part of your body goes first to heaven?

The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her.

Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth

First day of school

Mother: So how was your first day of school, son?

Junior: It was all right, except for some guy called Sir who kept spoiling all our fun.

Unlawful and illegal

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"

Only one hand shot up.

'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.

"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

Smart Student

A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "

Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment "Legs."

Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."

Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut

Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum

Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands

Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck

Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork

Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME

Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"

Chinese Sentence Completing

祝开心一笑

1、题目：一边……一边……

小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。

老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？


２、题目：其中

小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。

老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？


３、题目：陆陆续续

小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。

老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？


４、题目：难过

小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。

老师批语：老师更难过。


５、题目：又 又

小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。

老师批语；你的妈妈 是变形金钢吗？


６、题目：你看

小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊

老师批语：没看过


７、题目：欣欣向荣

小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。

老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！


８、题目：好吃

小朋友写：好吃个屁。

老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。


９、题目：天真

小朋友写：今天真热。

老师批语：你真天真。


10、题目：果然

小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。

老师批语：是词组，不能分开的。


11、题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。

小朋友写：先生，再见！

老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。


12、题目：况且

小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况

老师批语：我死了算了

学生是天才也

老师问学生: 人生自古谁无死... 你接下一句!

学生答: 人生自古谁无屎, 有谁大便不用纸!

老师很生气. 叫学生罚站.

隔年, 老师又问回同样的问题...

学生回答他答: 人生自古谁无 屎, 有谁大便不用纸.

若君不用卫生纸, 除非你是用手指.

老师很生气, 又叫学生罚站!

老师看见窗外下着雪, 就遗憾的说: 天上下雪不下雨, 雪到地上变成雨. 雪变雨来多麻烦, 为何当初不下雨...

学生又回复老师: 老师吃饭不吃屎, 饭到肚里变成屎. 饭变屎来多麻烦, 为何当初不吃屎...

老师当场晕倒!!!