Oral for an extra $20

An ugly guy walks into a bar and asks the best-looking woman if he can buy her a drink. She shouts, "No, I won't sleep with you, you disgusting pig."

A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she's a psych student researching humiliation.

He shouts back, "What do you mean you'll do for oral for an extra $20?"

The Biker

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

The Broken Hearted Man

This guy walks into a bar and buys a bottle of vodka and sculls it down in front of the bartender.

The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".
The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he was gay."

The bartender replies, "that ain't good," just before the guy collapses on the floor in front of him.

The next day the same guy comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.
"The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong this time?"

The guy goes, "My youngest son just told my he was gay."

Once again the bartender goes "Mate, that's fucken shockin," just like before the guy collapses on the floor again.

The guy walks again the next day and buys a bottle of vodka.

The bartender goes "Mate, isn't there anyone in you're family that likes pussy?"

The guy goes, "Apparently my wife does."

The Wise Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, Can your dog perform other tricks?"

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman."

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation, she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time.'

Ah Beng Jokes: How do you know?

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

Indon, Bangla & Malaysian

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian Chinese are in a bar one night having a beer. The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi is obviously impressed. When he finished his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.

He says "Nyamah! In KL we have so many Indon and Bangla that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

No toilet paper

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Funny drunkards

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."