I don't need sex
because my manager fucks me everyday.
Showing posts with label employee jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employee jokes. Show all posts
Mar 5, 2010
Nov 22, 2009
Tried and trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Nov 16, 2009
Misconception
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it helped. You should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?"
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it helped. You should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?"
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
Sep 12, 2009
Wanna Know Why Are You So Tired At The End Of Each Work Day?!!!
Have you wondered why office staffs are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees? The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around incircles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around incircles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Apr 4, 2009
Jokes: Damn funny staff memo
Probably suits the AIG in America.
To: All Staff,
As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the next big wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:
a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already serialised them.
b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.
c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.
d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.
e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them expiry date: Dec 2009).
f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.
g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.
h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.
i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.
j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.
k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.
l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.
m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.
From: Chief Financial Officer
To: All Staff,
As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the next big wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:
a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already serialised them.
b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.
c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.
d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.
e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them expiry date: Dec 2009).
f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.
g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.
h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.
i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.
j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.
k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.
l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.
m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.
From: Chief Financial Officer
Feb 21, 2009
Salary Increase
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
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