Army Jokes: Singapore Dessert Soldier

Two Singaporean soldiers are talking. Tan: “Pass the tiramisu.” Lim: “Cannot-la.” Tan: “Why not?” Lim: “Against army regulations to help another soldier to dessert.”

Ah Beng Jokes: Future Tense

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.

Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"

Ah Beng Jokes: School

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Ah Beng Jokes: Parking Fine

Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

Ah Beng Jokes: Oh My God

Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! U have come again."

Ah Beng Jokes: Remarry

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng Jokes: Play football

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng Jokes: Studying

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

I e-meow U, U e-meow me

This is REALLY FUNNY!

The Malaysian Ministry of Education (MOE) are reverting back to teaching Science and Mathematic in Bahasa Malaysia.

If we do not oppose now, a lot of our young generation of Msians are going to speak and write like this soon....



Enjoy.





Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letters. Wrong time no see you. How anything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your face look? Somemore you must wear high hill kick kok shoe, hope you can wok properly wit out felling over.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working start in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his junk friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. We so drown we no go toilet but pee pees on the floor.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family. My brother eye deer also to in white the kampong head.

I only hope one day we no need write you and send litters to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup you soon. And when you got time, please few free call up to me. Good bye.....

Wormedst regret,
Ah Beng

Malaysian Education System - A Very Wise View

A Very Wise View from Datuk Dr Agoes Salim...

The objective of STPM is to pass people?

How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the exams of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed? Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?

Let me put things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:

"In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?"

The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?

So later, they found another way to ask the same question:

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."

The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"

Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:

Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."

60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Yeah!!!!.... 60% managed to pass! So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. So last year, they came out with this gem:

"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"

13% (smart students) handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", 10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and 20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".

The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course! After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. 87%!!!!!.... ........now that's pretty impressive!

So it's true. So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!

Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one.

Duh......

Typical Singaporeans - LOL

1) When lift door opens...

Aus: The one nearest will automatically hold the button for the rest to go in first, then he go is last.

SG: The people behind will squeeze from behind to get to the front, shoving and pushing to block those exiting.


2) While waiting in line to pay at cashier...

Aus: Those in front with many groceries will let you to pay first, if you got only few items to pay.

SG: Hope la... Wait in line for your turn. So what if you only queueing to pay for 1 drink can. I got a whole trolley of groceries! Tan la....


3) If you pushing a pram at a busy mall...

Aus: People will give way to you to get through the crowd.

SG: People will ignore your pram and squeeze through. If your pram hit their leg, they will turn around and give you a CB look.


4) While trying to find a lot at a busy carpark...

Aus: They will let you park first if you got children in car, especially if you got prams.

SG: Nabeh.... I come first hor. Got kids, so what? wait la, why cannot wait is it???


5) Driving along the road, trying to change lanes..

Aus: the moment you signal, they will slow down for you.

SG: The moment you signal, they will go faster beside to block your lane.


6) When calling a helpline...

Aus: "Thank you for calling Austar, your call is important to us, and we will attend to you as soon as possible. Pls hold." and then, 5 secs, someone answers..... " Sorry for holding, this is Ann, how may I assist you?"

SG: " Our system is not getting a response from the subscriber's mobile phone. Pls try again later"..... enagaged tone.. Or else, it is "All our operators are busy at the moment, pls continue to hold and your call will be answered in the next available order." After 10 minutes.... still same msg. Hang up lor.


7) At Macdonalds...

Aus: " G' Day, may I have your order, sir?....would that be all?...thank you and you have a nice day. I am glad to be of service to you today. Ta.."

SG: Eating here, or take away????? that will be $11.70. Next pls.....


8) When u bought a dress and realized wrong size. You return to exchange..

Aus: We gladly offer a full refund with no question asked.

SG: Sorry, Goods sold are not refundable!!!


9) When u call up a service company to complain about their service...

Aus: We appreciate your feedback and our company hereby offers you a $50 voucher for your next purchase. Thank you.

SG: We will be following up on the complain and will get back to you soonest..... After months, die of natural death. Pretend nothing happened.


10) Your handphone is damaged and you goes to a service center...

Aus: We will be glad to lend you a spare while your phone is being repaired. If it cannot be repaired, we will gladly replace you with a new phone.

SG: Your phone will take about 3-4 weeks for re pair. Meantime, you have no phone, but we will call you when its ready.. How to call me when I have no hp???? funny right?

Jokes: Didn't step on the shit

One day, Ah Choy & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path.
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy.
"Wat is lat ho?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng.
"Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely. "Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy.
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"
Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"
Then they smiled at each other, "Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."

Single or married

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"

Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

Jokes: Hospital Names in Singapore

Do you know why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for 'Never Come Home'. That's why business was very bad before it changed its name. ? Now CGH stands for 'Can Go Home'. So business is picking up.

Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong because SGH stands for 'Sure Go Home'!

Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name change.
It stands for 'No Use Hospital'! ?

What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good a name, no wonder so much problem.

It stands for ' Tiam Tiam Si Hospital ' and now 'Tan Teo SARs Hospital '.
So, be careful of choosing which hospital to go if anyone is unwell.

Singapore English radio station jokes

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

Jokes: English and Singlish

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)

When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.

When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)

When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)

At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!

When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)

Colour television joke

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV?"

Salesgirl : "Yes!"

Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please"

Under 18

AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean.

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah!

Making a sentence with colours

One day in a language school in Australia

Teacher : "All right, now I'd like you to make a sentence using the words GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who'd like to try?"

A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya : "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm YELLOW sunlight around me"

Teacher : "Not bad. Okay, who's next?"

Another student raised his hand. It was Ah Beng from Singapore.

Ah Beng : "I try! I try. Can aaah?"

Teacher : "No, no, not you"

Ah Beng : "Aaaiiyaaa... let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I'm stup** meeh..?"

Teacher : "Okay.. go ahead"

Ah Beng : "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN... GREEEEEN... I PINK up" and I said "YELOOOOW...."

Teacher ?.....??

Before and after marriage

Before marriage. .
Darling here.. darling there...
After marriage.
Baling here... baling there...

Before marriage. .
U DIE, i'll die with u .
After marriage.
"U die, up to u. "

Before marriage...
U go anywhere... I follow u...
After marriage. . .
U go anywhere. . up to u.
soo long married. . .
I go anywhere... better no u.!!

Before wedding
u are my heart, u are my love"
After wedding
"u get on my nerves. "

Before wedding
"u are sweet and kind just like
Cinderella"
After wedding
"u are worse than godzila"

Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Like it or not, I'm
stuck with u
After wedding
Roses are dead, I watch blue. U get on
my head, I
will sue u

Before wedding
Every dating he brings u to Shangri-La
After wedding
U want to go, he says u 'wait-la'

Before wedding
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding
Don't know whether 'katak or
biawak'