1: OM!! Modern Family is HILARIOUS tonight!
2: Yznzm'zjjs
2: Zdzwo
1: Haaaa! Thanks Collin!
1: Grandpa loves you. :D
2: Lol! Sorry! He had my phone when you erected!
2: Lol! Texted!! TEXTED!! sorry dad!
1: When I WHAT!
Showing posts with label dirty jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dirty jokes. Show all posts
Jul 10, 2011
Dec 10, 2009
Dirty Football Sayings
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
Nov 29, 2009
Petting
Jeremy and Kris are walking down the street and they see a dog licking himself.
Jeremy says, 'Man, I wish I could do that!'
Kris replied, 'I think you'd have to pet him first.'
Jeremy says, 'Man, I wish I could do that!'
Kris replied, 'I think you'd have to pet him first.'
Nov 17, 2009
Wrong Service
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.
The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.
The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.
When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."
So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.
The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.
The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.
When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."
Nov 4, 2009
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Nov 1, 2009
The Wife Material
He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"
Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"
As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"
Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.
On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.
When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.
Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."
He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."
"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"
Oct 22, 2009
Magic Tricks
Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.
Oct 21, 2009
Wet Cat
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!"
Oct 20, 2009
Little Red Riding Hood
Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood, "Lift your top so i can suck your tits."
"no, she said." while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!"
"no, she said." while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fucking book says!"
Oct 19, 2009
Playing Spades
Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Oct 18, 2009
Melt the condoms
If u have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms to make a tire what would you call it?
a fucking goodyear!
a fucking goodyear!
Oct 17, 2009
Save a smile
The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%.
Suck a dick and save a smile...
Suck a dick and save a smile...
Oct 14, 2009
Oct 9, 2009
The Scotsman's Kilt
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.
Sep 23, 2009
The Blonde's Stain
A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners on the way out of the door, the lady at the counter says,
"Come again"
The blonde says,
"No it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"
"Come again"
The blonde says,
"No it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"
Sep 8, 2009
Three Phases of Breasts and Penis
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
Aug 13, 2009
Dirty jokes: Pussy and cock
Rooster and cat are going over bridge. Cat slips and falls into the river. Rooster can't stop laughing.
What is the moral of the story?
Wherever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.
What is the moral of the story?
Wherever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.
Aug 10, 2009
Who is stronger, man or woman?
Question: Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?
Answer: A woman because she lifts two mountains on her chest while a man lifts two stones with the help of a crane.
Answer: A woman because she lifts two mountains on her chest while a man lifts two stones with the help of a crane.
Aug 6, 2009
Finally I get this 6 answers
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down,make a tire,and call it aGoodyear
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come,they're wild n wet. But when they go,they take ur house n car with them
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls toscratch.AND:
Q:WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down,make a tire,and call it aGoodyear
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come,they're wild n wet. But when they go,they take ur house n car with them
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls toscratch.AND:
Q:WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Jul 31, 2009
Dirty poem: Sky is blue
The sky is blue,
grass is green,
harder the f*ck
the louder the scream,
louder the scream the better the f*ck,
give me a ring u might be in luck.
grass is green,
harder the f*ck
the louder the scream,
louder the scream the better the f*ck,
give me a ring u might be in luck.
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