Choked on penis

1: Lmfao

2: That made me laugh so much

1: I just choked on my penis
1: Pretzel*** WTF

2: LMFAO!!!!!!

1: Lmfao dammit iPhone 4

Say I love you

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?

To see if you really mean it!

Wrong Service

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"

So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.

The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want some service" states the drunk.

The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.

The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table.

When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"

The drunk replies, "Give it time, Lady, give it time."

The Greatest Chance

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.

"What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

The Wife Material

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.

Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

The Scotsman's Kilt

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more.

Small, smaller

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Three Phases of Breasts and Penis

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

The penis and its reply

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:I do physical labor.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects ur request for the following reasons: you do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You don't always follow the orders of the management team. You don't stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You don't take initiative-u need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before your 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags..

Please come in to my room

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Take a picture

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, then I can always look at them.

Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

No BMW, no house, no million dollars, no 7 inches penis

A gorgeous lady sitting alone in the bar, a guy approached her...

Guy: Hi! can i have your Mobile phone number?

Lady: If you have a BMW, a house in Palm island, a million dollars bank accounts and a seven inches PENIS which I'm yours, ...you don't have? ... so... my answer is NO.

Guy: Yeah, I don't have any of those... I have a VIPER, i own an island and I have a billion dollars bank account and excuse me! ... I won't cut my PENIS three inches short, just to have your number!!!

Not long enough

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his shoulder, he keyed in .......

P

E

N

I

S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer response was:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH