A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants.
Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Showing posts with label old man jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label old man jokes. Show all posts
Feb 20, 2012
Jan 5, 2012
Old hunter's checkup
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Nov 9, 2009
The Greatest Chance
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
Aug 30, 2009
One Day at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru
A Singapore family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facility, they came to visit Grandpa:
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”
“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”
“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”
“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”
“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”
Jun 29, 2009
Not yet, it's his turn to use the teeth
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Jan 5, 2009
Can't pee out
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room & approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick". he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated & said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room & say things like that".
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong & I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear".
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone".
The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly & asked, "Yes?"
"There is something wrong with my ear" he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it! " he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated & said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room & say things like that".
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong & I told you", he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear".
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone".
The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly & asked, "Yes?"
"There is something wrong with my ear" he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it! " he replied.
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