TV jokes

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Stupid stands up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Psychology graduate student

You just might be a psychology graduate student if...

...you spend more on books than on tuition.
...you actually hope your professor assigns homework.
...you get a 4 hour final with 5 questions or less.
...the words "free time" are unfamiliar to you.
...you spend Saturday morning waiting for the library to open.
...you've memorized your professors' home phone numbers.
...your professors know your home phone number.
...more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...you have ever brought a homework to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

Oral for an extra $20

An ugly guy walks into a bar and asks the best-looking woman if he can buy her a drink. She shouts, "No, I won't sleep with you, you disgusting pig."

A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she's a psych student researching humiliation.

He shouts back, "What do you mean you'll do for oral for an extra $20?"

Johnny wants to go home for Christmas

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"



..........Poor TIGER, even he's not spared by Johnny

Wait a Minute

Teacher: "How long is a minute?"

Student: "Which kind of a minute do you mean, Ma'am - a real minute - or "wait a minute"?"

Malaysian Education System - A Very Wise View

A Very Wise View from Datuk Dr Agoes Salim...

The objective of STPM is to pass people?

How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the exams of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed? Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?

Let me put things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:

"In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?"

The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?

So later, they found another way to ask the same question:

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."

The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"

Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:

Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."

60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Yeah!!!!.... 60% managed to pass! So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. So last year, they came out with this gem:

"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"

13% (smart students) handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", 10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and 20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".

The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course! After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. 87%!!!!!.... ........now that's pretty impressive!

So it's true. So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!

Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one.

Duh......

Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth

Unlawful and illegal

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"

Only one hand shot up.

'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.

"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

Same dog, same composition

Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Comb Jokes

Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'

Every part

Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'

History has no future

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why? Student: There is no future in it.

Jokes: Kill your father

Teacher: Who is called "killer"?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: For example; if you kill your father, what would you be called?
Student: Orphan

Anything to pass exam

Pretty young student walked in to her professor's office late one afternoon the day before midterm exams. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said as she leaned closer to him, stroked her hair and gazed meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispered, "I would do... anything."

The professor returned her gaze. "Anything?" he asked.

"Anything," she replied.

His voice softened. "Really? Anything?" he asked again.

"Absolutely anything," she once again replied.

He leaned close to the woman and lowered his voice to a whisper.

"Would you... study?"

Legal versus logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."