Give up seat

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

If you love someone, Set...

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....


THE NEW VERSIONS.....


Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Statisticians :
If you love someone
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.

MBA :
If you love someone
set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Finance expert :
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

Cold

"My doctor told me to take something for my cold."
"What did you take?"
"His Coat!"

Satellite dish

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.

One kiss and forever

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

Share worries

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Turn him around

Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Funny Meanings

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

Funny Sex Poem

Roses are red
Lemons are sour
Open your legs and give me an hour
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Father Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Would Never Happen If The Rubber Hadn't Torn!!
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You don't multiply
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fill you with cream
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy Style & 69
Just for fun
Or getting paid
Everyone likes getting laid
roses are nice
violets are fine.
i'll be the six
if you be the nine.
roses are red
violets are blue
condoms will rip
now watch you get screwed

Ways to turn down unwanted Men

Man “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man “Is this seat empty?”
Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman “It’s in the phone book.”

Man “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man “What sign were you born under?”
Woman “No Parking.”

Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman “Do not Enter”

Man “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman “Unfertilized”

Man “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy
Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”

Man “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?"

Greatest problem

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Changes in X-ray

Bob to X-ray technician after swelling some money:
"Do you see any change in me?"

Impossible wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold ‘a genie’ appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for… a good man.”The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see that map again…”

Good sense of humor

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Fortune

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Dinner

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

Hurts everywhere

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific.”
"The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Owe, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

Marriage certificate

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

A letter for Mum and Dad

A father & mother passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.......

Dear Dad & Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real happiness with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the this happiness Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together... Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days, is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad & Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters 'PTO'. Hands still trembling, and slight pain in the chest her father & mother turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad & Mom , none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

Positive outlook

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH POSITIVE OUTLOOK

Open a new file in your PC

Name it as "BOSS"

Send it to the "RECYCLE BIN"

Empty the RECYCLE BIN

Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete BOSS permanently?

Answer calmly, "Yes" and press the mouse button firmly...

Feel better?
Have a nice day!!!

Ladies, don't marry a programmer

Husband (Returning late from work) "Good evening, dear...logging in.

Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad Command on File Name

Wife: But I told you in the morning!

Husband: Syntax Error, Abort

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found.

Wife: Give me your credit card I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation, Access Denied

Wife: Do you love me or do you love your computer, or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters

Wife: It was a great mistake tha I married an idiot like you!

Husband: Data type mismatch

Wife: You are useless

Husband: It's by default

Wife: What about your salary?

Husband: File in use...try later.

Wife: What is my value in the family?

Husband: Unknown Virus

24 hours to live

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Works best when jerked

What's gets longer when pulled,

Fits between your boobs,

Inserts neatly in a hole,

And works best when jerked?






A SEATBELT

Impossible wish

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”

The man said, “OK, I’ll try to think of a really good wish.”

Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,” know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”

Catholic gasoline

Sister Mary, who worked for ahome health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can & buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, & walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas & spotted the bed pan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas,& carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street, one of them turned to the other and said: "IF IT STARTS, I'M TURNING CATHOLIC."

Don't stop

After 45 yrs of marriage, couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he hadn't in sometime. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, he caressed her shoulders & began moving down . Slowly he worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock & down her leg. Proceeding up her inner thigh, he stopped at the uppermost position of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

Aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "honey, that was wonderful, why did you stop?"

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

'

"I found the remote" he mumbled.

Can't pee out

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room & approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick". he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated & said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room & say things like that".

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong & I told you", he said.

The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear".

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone".

The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly & asked, "Yes?"

"There is something wrong with my ear" he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't pee out of it! " he replied.

25 pounds at birth

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cellphone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks.. like i said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino".

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weighs now?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled, concerned & a little bit suspicious, "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born".

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambaca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....



















"WE HAD HIM CIRCUMCISED"

Rubber gloves

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Large and almost constant erection

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

When I was 3 years old

One day my mom was out & my dad was in charge of me & my brother who is 4 years older than I am. I was maybe 3 & a half years old & had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift & it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news & my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea & lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing.

My mom waited & sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy & she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Mothers know