My Favourite T-shirt

My wife, was always after me to go shopping with her.

Then I began wearing my favorite shirt.

She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore.

Dr. Mahathir

When Dr. Mahathir was Prime Minister of Malaysia

One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how a neighboring country can be doing better than Malaysia.

One of his aides said, I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country. Dr Mahathir thought if that was the case, Malaysia Bomoh also can, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country.

After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there were 2 things that he must do:

Bomoh: Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything. Dr M: But Why?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for 'Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks'. You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.

Bomoh: Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr M: What! why him?

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for 'A Nation Without Any Ringgit'.

Dr M: But how? This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.

Bomoh: Aiyoh, you bodoh lah! Look at your name, MAHATHIR. Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly


This one lagi best. The latest according to the trend.

Subject:
M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R

This is a new acronymn... stands for:
Must
Always
Hantam
Abdullah
Till
He
Is
Removed

What's on your monitor

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

Typical Singaporeans - LOL

1) When lift door opens...

Aus: The one nearest will automatically hold the button for the rest to go in first, then he go is last.

SG: The people behind will squeeze from behind to get to the front, shoving and pushing to block those exiting.


2) While waiting in line to pay at cashier...

Aus: Those in front with many groceries will let you to pay first, if you got only few items to pay.

SG: Hope la... Wait in line for your turn. So what if you only queueing to pay for 1 drink can. I got a whole trolley of groceries! Tan la....


3) If you pushing a pram at a busy mall...

Aus: People will give way to you to get through the crowd.

SG: People will ignore your pram and squeeze through. If your pram hit their leg, they will turn around and give you a CB look.


4) While trying to find a lot at a busy carpark...

Aus: They will let you park first if you got children in car, especially if you got prams.

SG: Nabeh.... I come first hor. Got kids, so what? wait la, why cannot wait is it???


5) Driving along the road, trying to change lanes..

Aus: the moment you signal, they will slow down for you.

SG: The moment you signal, they will go faster beside to block your lane.


6) When calling a helpline...

Aus: "Thank you for calling Austar, your call is important to us, and we will attend to you as soon as possible. Pls hold." and then, 5 secs, someone answers..... " Sorry for holding, this is Ann, how may I assist you?"

SG: " Our system is not getting a response from the subscriber's mobile phone. Pls try again later"..... enagaged tone.. Or else, it is "All our operators are busy at the moment, pls continue to hold and your call will be answered in the next available order." After 10 minutes.... still same msg. Hang up lor.


7) At Macdonalds...

Aus: " G' Day, may I have your order, sir?....would that be all?...thank you and you have a nice day. I am glad to be of service to you today. Ta.."

SG: Eating here, or take away????? that will be $11.70. Next pls.....


8) When u bought a dress and realized wrong size. You return to exchange..

Aus: We gladly offer a full refund with no question asked.

SG: Sorry, Goods sold are not refundable!!!


9) When u call up a service company to complain about their service...

Aus: We appreciate your feedback and our company hereby offers you a $50 voucher for your next purchase. Thank you.

SG: We will be following up on the complain and will get back to you soonest..... After months, die of natural death. Pretend nothing happened.


10) Your handphone is damaged and you goes to a service center...

Aus: We will be glad to lend you a spare while your phone is being repaired. If it cannot be repaired, we will gladly replace you with a new phone.

SG: Your phone will take about 3-4 weeks for re pair. Meantime, you have no phone, but we will call you when its ready.. How to call me when I have no hp???? funny right?

Neurotic, psychotic, psychotherapist links

Neurotic~someone who builds castles in the sky.
Psychotic~someone who lives in those castles.
Psychotherapist~the one who collects the rent!

Password jokes

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

computer idiot customer

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer:! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

Color printer

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

Computer can't find the printer

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Technical

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Mac letter to Bill Gates

To: Bill Gates of Microsoft
From: Mac


Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace.. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine.. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Mac



Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling Windows ?

Butterfly stroke in the soup

Irate diner: Can you explain what this fly is doing in my soup?

Waiter: I believe he's doing the butterfly stroke, sir.

The tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Pee on keyboard

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Printer under windows

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

Your left or my left?

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

What kind of computer do you have?

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

Swine flu jokes

The Turkeys have bird flu. The cows have mad cow disease.

I'm telling you, boys... unless we want to see more ham served, on thanksgiving, we're going to have to get our own disease!

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.

Growing

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Dentures in soup

Diner: Waiter! I found these dentures in my soup!

Waiter: Oh thank you, sir! Our chef has been looking for them everywhere!

Restaurant branches

Diner: How do you explain this twig I found in my rice?

Waiter: It stands to reason, sir. Our restaurant has branches everywhere.

Dead fly in soup

Angry diner: Waiter! Why is there a dead fly in my soup?

Waiter: Well, the hot water usually kills them, sir.

Be still my heart!

A 7 years old boy asks hs dad, "Why does my leg cramp and couldn't feel anything?

Dad answered,"your leg becomes numb if you lay still and don't move because blood doesn't circulate properly."

When the boy turned 19, he felt in love and experience his first heartbreak. One day, dad saw him laying still while holding his chest.

Dad asked him,"what's wrong?"

The boy answered, "I'm laying still while holding my breath. I'm trying to make my heart cramp so I could be numb and would be hurt no more;("

Doctor's Last Word

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.

'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'

'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude.But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.'

'Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand....'

'Did he hold your hand like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'

'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'

'Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'

'It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side'

'Then he kissed me...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'

'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. It means he adores you.'

'Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor... exactly like that'

'It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.'..

'Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... '

'Did you resist?'

'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...'

'Did he take off your clothes like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......'

'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.'

'Then he kissed me and put his **** inside me and had **x with me...'

'Did he do it just like what we do?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same..'

'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.'

'But then he told me that he has AIDS'

All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming, BASTAAAAARRD!!! #$@?%%^?@!#$#!!! @#$@%!&*^%?

Coffee without milk

Diner: I'd like some coffee without milk.

Waiter: We don't have any milk, sir. How about coffee without cream?

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed

Jokes: Broken doll

Daughter: Mommy, little brother just broke my doll!

Mother: How did he do that?

Daughter: I hit him on the head with it

True music lover

How to spot a true music lover?

When a girl is singing in the bathroom, he uses his ears to listen instead of using his eyes to see.

In the rain

Mother: Young man, what are you doing out there in the rain?

Son: Getting wet, Mom!

First day of school

Mother: So how was your first day of school, son?

Junior: It was all right, except for some guy called Sir who kept spoiling all our fun.

Smoking cigarettes

Father: Junior, what did I say I'd do if I caught you smoking cigarettes?

Son: Dad, if you can't remember things, you can't expect me to help you out everytime!

Unshrinkable tie

Diner: Waiter, do you realize that your tie is in my soup?

Waiter: That's all right, sir. It's not shrinkable.

Half brother

Visitor: So, young man, is this your brother?
Little boy: Yes, sir.
Visitor: He's very small, isn't he?
Little boy: Well, he's only my half-brother.

Ride a bike

Father: Son, I see you have bad grades. Didn't I tell you I'd give you a bicycle if you passed your exams? What have you been doing?

Son: Learning to ride a bike.