Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
Mar 30, 2010
Mar 29, 2010
Hi Facebook, I got laid
Thank you too, Michael, I had a great time as well. I'm glad you enjoyed my OTHER pussy :). I must admit, I haven't had sex in a while, so getting mounted by such a strong and powerful man was a pleasant surprise after so many long months of abstinence. I hope this message doesn't scare you off, I just wanted you to know what a wonderful time I had with you. You are permanently invited to "the-love-between-my -legs"
Mar 28, 2010
Paranoid
What does a paranoid have in common with the all-knowing master of time space and dimension that secretly controls all of our lives?
Right, like you don't know.
Right, like you don't know.
Mar 27, 2010
Chicken and a baby
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
Mar 25, 2010
Second time
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Mar 22, 2010
Free bus ride for breasts tapping
A young hot girl was using a mobile phone that has a bus pass feature. Since her hands were full and that her phone was hanging near her breasts, she simply moved her breasts near the detector. The auntie who queued up behind the hot girl thought by putting her breasts on the detector, she would get a free bus ride.
(網易)「我已經貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」湖南長沙、株洲等 地的民眾，現正流行「嘟」手機付款坐巴士。近日一段短片在網上廣泛流傳，只見一名衣着 性感的年輕女子，將手機掛在胸口前，然後將胸部靠近巴士的嘟卡機付款。一名婦人見狀有 樣學樣，但將胸口怎麼貼近嘟卡機都沒有反應，車上隨即爆出一陣哄笑。這段長 47秒的短片，點擊率已超過 170萬。短片在一輛巴士上拍攝，一名穿低胸緊身衣的性感女子，上巴士時，因兩手均拿 着東西、而手機又掛在頸上，無手刷卡，於是將胸部靠近刷卡機，嘟一聲後便進入車廂。她 身後的一名婦人見狀，於是有樣學樣，也直接將胸前手機貼近嘟卡機，但連「撞」兩次都沒 有反應。巴士司機要求婦人嘟卡，但她不耐煩地回應：「我都貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去 ，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」司機解釋年輕女子用的是可「嘟」卡付款的手機，但是該名婦人不 依，還滿臉鄙夷地回答：「那是甚麼牌子的手機啦？聽都沒聽過，我用的還是『蘋果』手機 呢！」網民大讚該片段搞笑，但是也有網民質疑它的真實性，認為可能是廣告片。
Mar 20, 2010
Stock market and old man's dick
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
Mar 19, 2010
Hang Till Death
The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
Mar 15, 2010
Wives are funny creatures
Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Mar 14, 2010
Letter to god
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Mar 13, 2010
Important facts of life
VERY IMPORTANT FACTS from your Financial Adviser.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men!
Mar 12, 2010
Spaghetti Jokes
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until t he child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until t he child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Mar 11, 2010
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.'
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.'
Mar 10, 2010
Mar 9, 2010
Daddy Call
'Hello?'
'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
***Brief Pause***
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
***Brief Pause.***
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy'
And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that
you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
he's dead.'
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool ?? We dont have a swimming pool !! Ah, is this 486-5731 ??'
No, this is 486-5713.... .
'SORRY WRONG NUMBER !'
'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
***Brief Pause***
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
***Brief Pause.***
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy'
And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that
you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
he's dead.'
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool ?? We dont have a swimming pool !! Ah, is this 486-5731 ??'
No, this is 486-5713.... .
'SORRY WRONG NUMBER !'
Mar 8, 2010
Mar 7, 2010
Ah Beng, you want chocolate?
Ah Beng is a bus driver; one day got this old folks home ‘pao’ his bus for a day trip to Pulau Ketam.
Sitting right behind the driver’s seat is Grandma Sue and from his rear mirror Ah Beng can see that Grandma Sue is happily munching away…
In the middle of the road trip, Grandma Sue tapped Ah Beng on his shoulder and asked him…
Grandma: ‘Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?’
Ah Beng: ‘Tenkiu ah ma… yes I want!’
Then Ah Beng also happy happy munching peanuts… about 20 minutes down the road, Grandma Sue asked Ah Beng again…
Grandma: ‘Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?’
Ah Beng: Tenkiu ah ma… yes I want!’
To make the story short, this goes on for a few more times then Ah Beng finally asks Grandma Sue…
Ah Beng: ‘Ah ma ah!... you don’t eat peanuts one meh?’
Grandma: ‘No… no eat! Ah ma boh teeth la!’
Ah Beng: ‘Aiks! Boh teeth then why ah ma buy peanuts leh?’
Grandma: ‘No choice leh! Just now that 7-11 is out of chocolate so ah ma kena buy this peanut chocolate lor! Ah ma lick the chocolate around the peanut and the peanut give you eat lor!’
Sitting right behind the driver’s seat is Grandma Sue and from his rear mirror Ah Beng can see that Grandma Sue is happily munching away…
In the middle of the road trip, Grandma Sue tapped Ah Beng on his shoulder and asked him…
Grandma: ‘Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?’
Ah Beng: ‘Tenkiu ah ma… yes I want!’
Then Ah Beng also happy happy munching peanuts… about 20 minutes down the road, Grandma Sue asked Ah Beng again…
Grandma: ‘Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?’
Ah Beng: Tenkiu ah ma… yes I want!’
To make the story short, this goes on for a few more times then Ah Beng finally asks Grandma Sue…
Ah Beng: ‘Ah ma ah!... you don’t eat peanuts one meh?’
Grandma: ‘No… no eat! Ah ma boh teeth la!’
Ah Beng: ‘Aiks! Boh teeth then why ah ma buy peanuts leh?’
Grandma: ‘No choice leh! Just now that 7-11 is out of chocolate so ah ma kena buy this peanut chocolate lor! Ah ma lick the chocolate around the peanut and the peanut give you eat lor!’
Mar 6, 2010
Ah Beng was on his way home in the MRT train when the MRT tunnel collapsed and he was trapped inside the train amongst the rubble..
When the SCDF finally dug deep enough into the rubble and reached Ah Beng nearly 3 weeks later, Ah Beng was already dead.
A subsequent autopsy revealed that Ah Beng was initially alive and had completely no body injury but eventually died of prolonged period of thirst and hunger.
However, there were bags of food (including biscuits) and drinks in Ah Beng's hands when he was found dead in the MRT and they have not been touched. A receipt found on Ah Beng's dead body revealed that Ah Beng went shopping for food and drinks before taking the ill-fated MRT train.
So why did Ah Beng still die of thirst and hunger when he had food and drinks with him in the train?
Scroll down for answer…
"No food and Drinks allowed on the Train, Fine $500"
When the SCDF finally dug deep enough into the rubble and reached Ah Beng nearly 3 weeks later, Ah Beng was already dead.
A subsequent autopsy revealed that Ah Beng was initially alive and had completely no body injury but eventually died of prolonged period of thirst and hunger.
However, there were bags of food (including biscuits) and drinks in Ah Beng's hands when he was found dead in the MRT and they have not been touched. A receipt found on Ah Beng's dead body revealed that Ah Beng went shopping for food and drinks before taking the ill-fated MRT train.
So why did Ah Beng still die of thirst and hunger when he had food and drinks with him in the train?
Scroll down for answer…
"No food and Drinks allowed on the Train, Fine $500"
Mar 5, 2010
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