New answering system at the clinic

They just installed a new answering system at the clinic. It asks anyone suffering from obsessive/compulsive disorder to press one repeatedly. If he or she is paranoid, press two but don't look behind you. If you have multiple personalities, have your alter ego, Mr. Pretzels, press three, four and five. And, if you have a self-esteem problem, don't waste our time.

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'

Olympic sex

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

Hi Facebook, I got laid

Thank you too, Michael, I had a great time as well. I'm glad you enjoyed my OTHER pussy :). I must admit, I haven't had sex in a while, so getting mounted by such a strong and powerful man was a pleasant surprise after so many long months of abstinence. I hope this message doesn't scare you off, I just wanted you to know what a wonderful time I had with you. You are permanently invited to "the-love-between-my -legs"

Paranoid

What does a paranoid have in common with the all-knowing master of time space and dimension that secretly controls all of our lives?

Right, like you don't know.

Chicken and a baby

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?

Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

Second time

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!

Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Free bus ride for breasts tapping

A young hot girl was using a mobile phone that has a bus pass feature. Since her hands were full and that her phone was hanging near her breasts, she simply moved her breasts near the detector. The auntie who queued up behind the hot girl thought by putting her breasts on the detector, she would get a free bus ride.

(網易)「我已經貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」湖南長沙、株洲等 地的民眾，現正流行「嘟」手機付款坐巴士。近日一段短片在網上廣泛流傳，只見一名衣着 性感的年輕女子，將手機掛在胸口前，然後將胸部靠近巴士的嘟卡機付款。一名婦人見狀有 樣學樣，但將胸口怎麼貼近嘟卡機都沒有反應，車上隨即爆出一陣哄笑。這段長 47秒的短片，點擊率已超過 170萬。短片在一輛巴士上拍攝，一名穿低胸緊身衣的性感女子，上巴士時，因兩手均拿 着東西、而手機又掛在頸上，無手刷卡，於是將胸部靠近刷卡機，嘟一聲後便進入車廂。她 身後的一名婦人見狀，於是有樣學樣，也直接將胸前手機貼近嘟卡機，但連「撞」兩次都沒 有反應。巴士司機要求婦人嘟卡，但她不耐煩地回應：「我都貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去 ，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」司機解釋年輕女子用的是可「嘟」卡付款的手機，但是該名婦人不 依，還滿臉鄙夷地回答：「那是甚麼牌子的手機啦？聽都沒聽過，我用的還是『蘋果』手機 呢！」網民大讚該片段搞笑，但是也有網民質疑它的真實性，認為可能是廣告片。

Stock market and old man's dick

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?

Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!

Hang Till Death

The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.

The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"