Have you wondered why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees? The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:
1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around in circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck
14. Shooting arrows
15. Fighting fire
NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!
Aug 31, 2009
Aug 30, 2009
One Day at a Nursing Home in Johor Bahru
A Singapore family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Singaporean facilities were too expensive so they had to put him in a nursing home in Johor Bahru. After a few weeks in the JB nursing facility, they came to visit Grandpa:
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”
“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”
“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a Singaporean living amongst Malaysians.” said his daughter.
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, grandpa says with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here… he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is an ex-Chief Justice in there… he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Hakim Besar’!”
“There’s also a dentist here… 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth in 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doktor’!”
“And me… I haven’t had sex in 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Singaporean’!”
Aug 29, 2009
The pilot and his wife
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security , super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not- see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Aug 28, 2009
Blind date jokes
Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his cousin.
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all nigh?"
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door.
When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all nigh?"
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door.
When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
Aug 27, 2009
Jokes: Terms and Meanings, Definitions
MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:A place where everybody talks,nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:A place where u can relax after your strenuous home life
YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open
their mouth
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes
ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions
PHILOSOPHER:A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER: A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL:A guy no different from the other,unless he gets caught
BOSS:Someone who is early when u are late and late when u are early
POLITICIAN:One who shakes ur hand before elections and ur Confidence Later
DOCTOR:A person who kills ur ills by pills,and kills u by his bills!
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:A place where everybody talks,nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:A place where u can relax after your strenuous home life
YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open
their mouth
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes
ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions
PHILOSOPHER:A fool who torments himself during life,to be spoken of when dead
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER: A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL:A guy no different from the other,unless he gets caught
BOSS:Someone who is early when u are late and late when u are early
POLITICIAN:One who shakes ur hand before elections and ur Confidence Later
DOCTOR:A person who kills ur ills by pills,and kills u by his bills!
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
Aug 26, 2009
The Lawyer and the Banker
A lawyer and and a Banker are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that all Banker are so dumb that he could get over on them, easily. So the lawyer asks if the Banker would like to play a fun game.
The Banker is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Banker's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Banker doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Banker's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Banker and hands him $500. The Banker pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Banker up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Banker reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Banker.
The Banker is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Banker's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Banker doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?
Now, it's the Banker's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Banker and hands him $500. The Banker pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Banker up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Banker reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with Banker.
Aug 25, 2009
No toilet paper
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Aug 24, 2009
Aug 23, 2009
Aug 22, 2009
Medical claim
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges RM230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from Medical Claim!"
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges RM230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from Medical Claim!"
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