Olympic sex

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

Hi Facebook, I got laid

Thank you too, Michael, I had a great time as well. I'm glad you enjoyed my OTHER pussy :). I must admit, I haven't had sex in a while, so getting mounted by such a strong and powerful man was a pleasant surprise after so many long months of abstinence. I hope this message doesn't scare you off, I just wanted you to know what a wonderful time I had with you. You are permanently invited to "the-love-between-my -legs"

Paranoid

What does a paranoid have in common with the all-knowing master of time space and dimension that secretly controls all of our lives?

Right, like you don't know.

Chicken and a baby

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?

Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

Second time

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.

Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!

Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?

Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Free bus ride for breasts tapping

A young hot girl was using a mobile phone that has a bus pass feature. Since her hands were full and that her phone was hanging near her breasts, she simply moved her breasts near the detector. The auntie who queued up behind the hot girl thought by putting her breasts on the detector, she would get a free bus ride.

(網易)「我已經貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」湖南長沙、株洲等 地的民眾，現正流行「嘟」手機付款坐巴士。近日一段短片在網上廣泛流傳，只見一名衣着 性感的年輕女子，將手機掛在胸口前，然後將胸部靠近巴士的嘟卡機付款。一名婦人見狀有 樣學樣，但將胸口怎麼貼近嘟卡機都沒有反應，車上隨即爆出一陣哄笑。這段長 47秒的短片，點擊率已超過 170萬。短片在一輛巴士上拍攝，一名穿低胸緊身衣的性感女子，上巴士時，因兩手均拿 着東西、而手機又掛在頸上，無手刷卡，於是將胸部靠近刷卡機，嘟一聲後便進入車廂。她 身後的一名婦人見狀，於是有樣學樣，也直接將胸前手機貼近嘟卡機，但連「撞」兩次都沒 有反應。巴士司機要求婦人嘟卡，但她不耐煩地回應：「我都貼了兩下了，你還不讓我進去 ，搞甚麼啦？真是的！」司機解釋年輕女子用的是可「嘟」卡付款的手機，但是該名婦人不 依，還滿臉鄙夷地回答：「那是甚麼牌子的手機啦？聽都沒聽過，我用的還是『蘋果』手機 呢！」網民大讚該片段搞笑，但是也有網民質疑它的真實性，認為可能是廣告片。

Stock market and old man's dick

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?

Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!

Hang Till Death

The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.

The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"

Wives are funny creatures

Wives are funny creatures.

They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks

and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Letter to god

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:


Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna